Stealing food

Hazard, I think many people here got offended with your choice of words. I never think of my children eating what is in the house as "stealing". Yes, I get irritated if they eat what I have planned for another meal, but unless I tell them that, or have the food labelled as such, I think anything in the refrigerator is fair game for any family member. It isn't "my" food. It belongs to the family. A better term to use is "hoarding". My daughter also hoards food, as do many children from a neglectful or abusive background. And, you know, I would too if I didn't know where my next meal would come from. You need to manage it. Let him know that food is available. We kept a box in the refrigerator with snacks that my daughter could have at any time. No one else was allowed to eat the food in her box, that way she knew it was always there. And she checked it constantly and in the middle of the night, she ate from it. I would never think of that as her stealing from me. You need to get to the root of the hoarding issue. It usually is about survival or control. What diagnoses does he have? That will let you know the reason for this behavior and how to treat it. You can't treat it without knowing why. Good luck.

Boy, I feel like a mean, stupid mom right now because I understand exactly what the original poster is talking about and it bothers me as well. I do have a shelf that is open game for all kids to eat whenever-however, I have two kids I do have to monitor as they would eat everything and leave nothing for anyone else. I'm not made of money and I find that disrespectful to the other members of the family so I don't allow them to do this. I also get angry when my sons look at porn. Keeping them off the computer is an issue. (And by the way, the original posters son was on the teachers computer-not like she can control that) As for the door alarm, put it back. He had an opportunity to not have it and showed he needed it. While I don't monitor all my teens, I do have one that is not allowed to wonder freely at night as his behaviors do not indicate an ability to be safe. I have another who steals everyone's stuff. He doesn't have free movement of the house at night either. As for the psycho-path question? I think it's valid(maybe not based on the behaviors but maybe based on his history and other issues) A lot of the behaviors my kids do are normal but sometimes they do them repeatedly and with such intensity that it is no longer "normal". I understand the anger and I am happy that this mom handled it calmly and reasonably and vented her anger here.

Perhaps you could fill a back pack with the foods that he likes? Instead of a shelf in the kitchen, this would be only his. Then he'd have his food in his room and you could fill it as he starts to run low. Have him take it everywhere with him so he always has it and he'll "know" he has food. It doesn't sound to me like you like him very much, which is fine. If he's exhibiting behaviors you don't like, is there a chance you can have him moved? I think if he senses you don't like him, or think he's a psycopath, he'll probably act worse just to get to you or push you farther away. It also sounds to me like he's been in the system for quite a while. There's no way the SW's wouldn't know this about him, perhaps you didn't ask for specifics on his behaviors in order to make an educated decision in taking him? I wish you luck in this. I hope that you can see that he's not doing this TO YOU...it's a means for survival for him...try not to take it so personally.

There is no way I am going to fill a backpack with his favorite foods and allow him to keep it in his bedroom. 1) he would eat the ENTIRE thing in one sitting and be sick all over the place and 2) I do not relish the idea of little critters joining him in his midnight picnic. I spent over an hour on the phone asking questions about his history BEFORE my husband and I discussed taking him in. This child has been institutionalized for the past three years and HAS HAD NOBODY TO TEACH HIM RIGHT FROM WRONG. Furthermore, since this incident occured, he and I have had several conversations to talk about how he does not have to steal ANYTHING while he lives here, all he has to do is to ask...which he does.....all without me ever accusing him or having to let him think what my opinion is about the whole issue. No, I do not like some of the behaviors this kid is exhibiting but I do believe this young man has hope. He is willing to learn better habits, he is eager to please and is learning to get along better with others. The ONLY reason I took the foster parenting classes and became licensed is that I want to adopt my nephew who lives in another state and will be moving with us as soon as school is out for the summer. Our case manager knows this and has known this from the beginning. We are fostering THIS particular young man as a short term placement before he is adopted to another family who are finishing up their paperwork. BTW, I would never let him know I asked the THERAPIST about him being a psycopath.....give me a break~ **************[font=Arial][font=Arial]A hiker was walking along a rocky path on chilly winter morning when he came upon an injured snake lying on a rock. The pathetic creature was half frozen and in desperate need of first aid. Now, the hiker was familiar with poisonous snakes, he knew the danger involved in trying to help the injured creature, but against his better judgment the outdoorsman decided he would help the snake, who would surely die within hours if he wasnt cared for. So the hiker wrapped the snake in his own jacket, carried him home, laid him by the fireplace and slowly nourished him back to health. Each day he would bring food to the snake and they would share time together. It gave the man great pleasure to have helped this poor creature, and feeling the snake must be grateful for having been rescued, he convinced himself unlike other snakes, this one would never harm himҗafter all, he had saved the poor creatures life. One day the man came to bring the now-fully-recovered snake its daily ration of food and water. But, to the kind hikerҒs surprise, when he sat the food down, the snake bit him on the hand. Knowing that this was a deadly, poisonous snake, the poor man knew death was only moments away. As he lay on the floor, gasping for breath, the dying hiker looked upon the snake and asked "But why? I helped you, I nourished you, I trusted you. Why did you do this terrible thing to me?" The snake replied "Oh foolish, foolish man. You knew I was a snake when you picked me up!" [/font][/font]

Wow, I'm just floored by some of the reactions you seem to have to this boy that you've posted in the threads. It must be very difficult to handle the behaviors/emotions that this boy is dealing with. But, you don't seem to like him at all and as you've stated you got licensed to foster just to foster your nephew. You've mentioned that you could care less if he comes to your house, you're only his foster mother, and he's only there for a short time. (sorry to post info from another thread, but it's all related). Even if it is for a short time he still deserves to be with someone that at least cares that he is there. It doesn't sound like you're doing this for the money, but I really do question why you've even allowed him to be placed into your home at all. I also don't think anyone is "just" a foster mother. She is a very important person in a child's life even if it is temporary as are foster fathers. Sorry, but I do hope that if this boy does stay with you that it is for a VERY short time. It doesn't seem to be a good fit for anyone involved. I don't get the reference to the story about the snake. Are you saying that even if you were to care for this child that it doesn't really matter because in the end he is just a snake?

Sorry about the snake story, I was cutting and pasting it into an email for someone else and my lights, computer, etc. went out. When I got back online, it was pasted there and now I cannot edit the post.

[font=Times New Roman]I dont need to know someone personally to feel that they donҒt care about someone based on the many comments you've made about him - which I referenced in my previous post. Foster care isnt just about providing shelter, food, and clothing to a human being. Hopefully everything will work out to be in the best interest of the child and maybe give you an opportunity to feel the joy that many people experience from helping someone in need.[/font]

I love the snake story. I'm going to have to use that.

I just wanted to put my 2 cents in and hope that I dont' offend anyone...I have no means to We had a 14 yr. old girl placed with us and she did the same thing. She would get up at night drink out of the milk jug, take food to her room (which she wouldn't clean up), fix acual meals for herself and no one else-That is what upset me. I tried to teach the little ones that there was a time to eat and a time to snack, but it's hard when you have a troubled teen who is probably doing this because of emotions. I did question her about it and she was very understanding about my concern. We talked with her theropist and such and it did start to slow down. SHe is a wonderful young lady but unfortantly like alot of foster children this is a way to express emotions. Maybe he is just hungry. Take in consideraiton his age. I now have a 3 yr old foster son who was in a situaiton at his biomom's house that he didn't know when his next meal would come and he had to fend for himself. He gets up several times a night and gets food out of the fridge and anywhere he can. He will take food off of other peoples plates even. He is getting better b/c we are working with him to try to help him understand that he will get fed here, but it is so hard for a 3 yr. or any foster child to understand. These kids are trying to suvive because that's all they know to do. Things could be worse. I wouldn't call it stealing in my opion after all we take these kids into our home were they need to be loved and cared for. The food in my house is for everyone, and I know it's upsetting when you have something planned and then it's gone. Maybe talk to him about it. I with you all the luck.

OK, I've been raked over the coals enough! Stealing is the WRONG WORD to use, I'm sorry I did NOT know the politically correct word to use here on this forum. Horading, survivial or whatever.... In my world, if you take something without permission, it is stealing. But I will never use it again on this board, I promise. The boy is getting therapy, he is improving, we have long conversations about what is right and what is wrong behavior. I only want him to grow up and be a responsible, law-abiding member of society and NOT to abuse, neglect or molest his own children. I originally came here to get some support and/or ideas about how to deal with this issue since this is my first foster child and I had NEVER had this happen with my own children. Since it has turned into a "flame the newie" issue, I think this will be my last post on this board. Good bye and God bless

I am sorry you did not get the support you needed. I certainly understand the frustration you are going through with this young man. I have had many foster teen boys. Some of the boys have come to us with issues we had never heard of let alone know how to deal with. I don't know how anyone can expect a new Foster parent to know how to deal with these situations . I assume this is why you came asking for help. This is your first foster child and he is a difficult one. Don't beat yourself up, and don't listen to negative talk. I see a lot of judging, but not a lot of suggestions in those judgement posts. It sounds to me like you are handling the situation wonderfully. You are communication with him in a positive manner, you are addressing the issues in Therapy and you are asking others for help. Some of these kids are difficult! I don't think anyone should critisize without walking in your shoes. I thought a couple of my boys where as difficult as a kid could get, I know I was wrong because now I have J... Another oppurtunity for me learn. Hang in there and if there is anything I can help you with please PM me.