Pathological liars: what makes them lie?

I am sorry you are going through all of this. It is sad that we are the ones who want to have a loving relationship with our children but we are the ones who get beat down. Is it a test? Who knows? Is it right? IMO..NO. Actually I read your other thread and had to look at your profile to make sure we were not talking about the same daughter because my daughter does so many similar things. I don't know why they do this to us. I am currently in a time out from my daughter; you may should consider the same. Do I still hurt? Yes. But I hurt even worse while listening to her tell her lies and more lies. I hope you will talk more...it helps me too to see I am not alone.

There are two types of liars in this world. One is the liar who lies in order to gain favor with someone, the other is pathological and will lie about inconsequential things like what they had for breakfast... The latter requires medication and therapy and soul searching, something most pathological liars will never do... It's impossible to have a meaningful relationship with any kind of liar, though. Everything that comes out of their mouths is questionable. You never know when maybe this time they're telling the truth, but, probably not... You begin to suspect that everything they say is peppered with half-truths at best. Eventually, it goes in one ear and out the other, like was pointed out in another post. I'm sorry that you all are going through having to deal with these liars in your life. My family has accused me of lying about something that happened 26 years ago, and I have never been a liar as an adult (I have always admitted that I lied as a kid, who didn't?!) It's a shame that the children that you were separated from for so long have re-entered the pictures as liars. I'm sorry you're having to go through that. Hugs, Tammi

Hey, I can handle little white lies (I personally don't do it) because I thought well, she just wants us to like her. But she and her husband both tell lies about everything. I mean everything. They stretch the truth about who they talk to and what was said: the simpliest things that there is no reasons to lie about. No matter what we do for them, they badmouth us...and everyone is seeing it...not just me.

I have no idea why people lie. As already stated here, it may be to do with insecurity, with the need to gain approval or obtain something from someone. I try to be as truthful as I can with everyone. however, sometimes it is necessary to either say nothing or to tell a "white" lie rather than hurt or offend someone. Yes, I know, "truth is truth". However, not everyone can handle the "unadulterated truth" straight away. I know that many adopted people say they want to hear "the truth" but, when they get it refuse to believe it. Perhaps this is because that "truth" is too overwhelming, doesn't fit in with their preconceptions of how they would like things to be or seems to threatening. I don't know. Of course, this can make things very trickly. How do you tell the truth to someone who is not yet ready to accept it? Perhaps one could say "I'm happy to discuss that with you, but I don't feel it's the right time quite yet"? At least you wouldn't be lying and you might also be ensuring that the other person doesn't receive information they are unable to handle. I don't think that you need to be a Christian in order not to tell lies. Most religions and/or philosophies consider them to be bad. However, if we told the unadulterated truth all the time, there might be a lot more people out there feeling hurt or upset.... A tricky question to answer!

I don't think that you need to be a Christian in order not to tell lies. Most religions and/or philosophies consider them to be bad. " Precisely. There are many non-religious people who never lie and plenty of religious ones who lie all the time. Religions don't have a monopoly on ethical behavior. Robin

Good point...Robin! But why do people lie...when there is no need? why is it some prefer to be in the middle of a hornets nest all the time...? Is it playing the victim role?

Dear Mamabee,I think this is a great topic for discussion! I wanted to share a few thoughts/observations about liars. I believe some people tell lies because they refuse to recognize their truth as reality. i.e. the reality isn't near as nice looking to them as that lie they just told. Some people lie to avoid feeling cornered about their feelings. i.e. that someone is pinning them down about their behavior/feelings and they're being led somewhere they really don't want to go by being put on the spot to talk about it. They'd rather lie than to have to go there. There's people who lie because of bad experiences they've had with telling the truth. i.e. They go all spiney like thistles and fall into protection mode because of their experiences in the past. The times they trusted someone else with the truth, the repercussions were unfair, ugly or they were maligned by that person for having shared that truth. They think, my honest feelings just aren't safe to share with that individual. Then some people will lie with wicked intentions in mind. i.e. Everything that comes out of their mouths may be no more than their cruel game of a planned manipulation. They plan the game, play the game and they leave you hurt because you trusted them and that was their actual intent and reason for lying in the first place. Then there are those who lie to protect others from a reality they feel others may not be able to handle. i.e. with no malice in mind, and with the intent of not hurting someone else, they may color the truth some, enhance the overall picture or just not disclose the entire truth to protect that other person from what they'd deem harmful information or a sorrowful outlook. I agree with what Pinakitha said, and I also feel that sometimes the issue isn't always so black and white. If all deceit is wrong, we couldn't get away with any much-needed surprise parties, so I believe it's all about the motivations within the heart. I wouldn't consider myself a liar but I would keep back some truth to protect someone else. It all has to do with intent. There are those in life who have been deeply hurt by hearing too much information. Say you were protecting someone else's secret and were cornered by another person about it, would you tell it or do a side-step of the issue to avoid breaking someone else's trust? Like she said, a tricky question. It certainly requires a deep stare at the situation. A great rule of thumb is in treating others as you'd like to be treated. I prefer the truth. I can usually deal with it if it's staring me in the face. Is all lying wrong or do we make room for the motivations of the heart? The problem with lies of a malicious intent is that they will come back to bite you............bet on it.Karma can be a great teacher.

Please do keep in mind that I did not read this entire post. So in no way, shape, or form is this about anyone here.The main people in my life that lie all the time, even when it is totaly uncalled for is my sister D and her sons (my nephews C & H). Here is my theory on it, I repeat MY theory so please do not flame me here. D is a crank addict. At this time I do believe she is clean but she has been "clean" many, many times before so I can not be sure. Her oldest son C is an alcoholic and son H is a recovered heroine addict. They lie all the time. I think it started to cover up their addictions and has gotten to the point that is all they know how to do. D would tell the most outrageous stories but I believe she really thought them to be true. I do not get mad at them anymore as I am afraid that all the chemicals have somehow altered the way that they see situations in life.

Wow Songbird--are you an instructor or something? I really appreciate what you wrote...I am sure it can apply to all liars..whatever their motives may be. Yes, I know what you mean when the truth can sometimes be harmful to the listener...what I usually do when I know something that may hurt someone I love...is try to avoid the situation. Unless I am point blank asked...I will go out of my way to not hurt that person. You know the old saying, if you can't say something nice...don't say anything at all. Stephanie---I feel for you with your family. I know it is difficult. My husband has a sister that has had drug problems as well as theft issues...therefore we choose not to socialize with her. We love her but until she/they change their ways...you can't trust them...you can't believe them...and they will steal you blind to satisfy their addictions. What I have a real issue is showering someone with love and affection but they are still willing to look you in the eye and bold face lie...lie over the silliest of things. But lie, nonetheless. Why? Have these people been so violated that this is the only way they can be? Is it just easier for them to lie rather than tell the truth?

Hi, I am new to this site and was interested in your topic. I am an adoptee so will look at it from the other side. Maybe your daughter lies so you wont find out the truth about her upbringing. Maybe she has had to lie all her life to get by and feel like she belonged somewhere. Dont get me wrong I dont think lying helps at all but some people get so used to lying they forget what the truth really is. I have reunited with my bmum 8 years ago and of course I wanted her to know I had a wonderful childhood. I dont lie to her but do withhold certain things so she wont get upset. I always believe liars get caught out because they cant remember everything they have said and will slip up. So maybe its your daughters way of dealing with things. Hope it gets better for you as you sound like a great mum. All the best.

Thanks for writing Archy4004. I appreciate your point of view. I don't understand why she would feel the need to lie especially when I told her of my past...and some of the foolish things that I did. Anyway, it does help to hear adoptees opinions...maybe it will help me to understand.

Hi mamabee, I had a fantasy about my bmother (for many years) and how my reunion with her was going to be. When we did make contact and she asked for a photo of me now I sent a photo taken before I put on quite a bit of weight. In my fantasy everything had to be perfect and I didnt want to spoil it by sending her a photo of me at that time. I was ashamed of myself even though we did meet not long after and she didnt care about my size at all. Does your daughter lie about her childhood ? It has taken me 8 years to open up to my bmum and she is so understanding. I guess some people keep a barrier up and your daughters is to tell untruths. Regards Sharyn

Sharyn, to be honest, I do not know what truths she has ever told me. I mean it will be 2 years in July since we have reunited...but so many things she and her husband have told me have been proven lies. She said she had a good life(childhood)...I know she was a cheer leader...but then she will say that she didn't have a good relationship with her aParents...but then she will say how they were always there for her and gave her whatever she wanted. She has been married 3 times and she lied about ever being married once...even though she had a child when we met her. She will tell my family one thing and then another something else...all can be very frivilous lies...lies for no reason whatsoever. Every time I turned around she was starting some kind of dramatic trouble. I finally couldn't take it anymore and stood up to her...my mistake because since January, she has informed my oldest..she want's nothing more to do with me and they are moving back to their home state. However, this week, I found out she wants to have lunch with my husband on thier b-day (they share the same b-day). Of course, my husband is not going but she does these things to hurt me...and I don't understand why. I desperately appreciate any insite you may have on this.

Mamabee, she sounds very angry and confused. Did she search for you or other way around? I was disappointed that my bmum did'nt look for me but when we did reunite she said she was the one who gave me away and did'nt want to disrupt my life, she had no rights. Sometimes finding our bmum's and having a relationship with them can be confusing. Maybe she did have a good childhood and her aparents were good to her but maybe they didn't give her the emotional support she craved. That was my issue, I had a good upbringing, grew up on a farm and never wanted for anything but never had any emotional support. So when I met my bmum I said I had a great childhood (which I did) and its only now I'm struggling with my emotions that I realise my aparents werent there for me really. I keep a barrier up with my bmum and I don't know why. We have alot in common but I have so many ups and downs. My aparents dont support me with my bmum so I don't really know how to deal with it. Sometimes having a break really helps, we can sit back and really think about what we want. Your daughter needs to treat you with respect, you are both adults and if she wants a relationship with you has to be honest. I find writing my feelings down really helps, write her a letter explaining how you feel and how much the relationship means to you and ask how she feels. You can work through it, you sound great, she should realise how lucky she is. Good luck.

Sharyn, I felt the same as your bMum about not having any rights, but my oldest daughter looked for her and found her. It took me three days to get up enough nerve to talk to her (didn't feel worthy) but I finally did and she seemed a dreamchild to me. I was so happy. I have another thread called Who am I and what do you want from me...I wish you would go read it... I did write my daughter a letter...it was a little more forward than I usually did but I couldn't take it anymore...how she was treating me so disrespectfully...I practically begged her to start showing me that she cared for me instead of always telling me what I needed to do to improve our relationship...I told her I just needed her to show me she really cared about me. The next thing I hear she wrote my oldest a letter telling her she never wanted to be anywhere I was again...and she hasn't. She lives less than five minutes away and I never see her or speak to her (or the grandkids). It makes me so sad and I am desperately trying to figure all this out...but many here say a time out is needed. I just wished I understood her and why all this had to happen...we had so much love to give her....