Food for thought

I do agree to a certain extent...I don't know if I think that a person should be able to specify sex, etc....but I do know there are some circumstances (if you had 4 boys already) where I can understand, although I would say international adoption is best for this, or foster. I do respectfully disagree about race/health problems. :) I know, having a sister who is AA and has quadraplegic cerebal palsy, that there ARE differences when you are multicultural family, not BAD differences at all (as a matter of fact they can be beautiful!!), but there is certain things that you have to be ready and comfortable with (even more so with a child who has special needs). Like stares, questions, culture, etc etc, I think most families that are multicultural will agree. It's not always about if you are "comfortable" with the opposite race, its about if you are ready to deal with some of the aspects that comes when raising a child of a different race and especially one with special needs.... I hope this makes sense and doesn't sound like I think multicultural families are wrong or worse in ANY way....I LOVE my family and my sister with all my heart, I am just not naive to the fact that there is issues (wether we like to admit it or not) that will have to be faced (of course this is true when adopting any child)!! Oh, and in no way am I calling you naive or calling you out..... :o

Oh and I agree, Tracy, your daughter is just beautiful and i LOVE that picture!!! :) That smile could melt stone!!

I have to disagree. Sometimes being open to any race or health problem will just not be a good thing for the child. What if your family wouldn't accept a biracial/AA child? What if your lack of experience made it hard to raise a child with autism or down's syndrome, for example? I strongly think that sometimes we have to restrict our choices for the good of the child. Frankly, I can't imagine that an AA or biracial child would be welcome in my family, even if I really wanted to be open to more races - and I can't imagine what it would feel like to feel rejected by a part of the family as you grow up. To come back to the subject, I think that there isn't really a difference between infertility or secondary infertility. In both cases, it just sums up to the fact that you want a child, but can't have one. It doesn't really matter if you already have a bio child, in the end you can't have a new baby all the same. I don't think you have to be 'diagnosed' infertile either, if you want a child but can't seem to be able to have one naturally, it's just the same thing really - the want to have a child in the end, and not being able to. To come back to the original poster, I am personally really annoyed and irked by people who claim they want to give a homeless baby a home and decide for a CC baby. I really think it's pretty hypocrit, seeing as CC babies are really the last ones that have a hard time finding a home. I'd rather they just said they want to adopt a baby without trying to make themselves look good. Mostly, I would think that if they really wanted to help a child, they would not pick the most sought for kind. About whether only infertile people should adopt, well, I'm pretty torn also. I don't think there is anything wrong with adopting when people want a child and can't have one safely, whether it's because of secondary or primary infertility, health issues, or hereditary worries (like I said above... all the same to me). But I have to admit that it bothers me when people who could have a child easily decide to adopt, especially CC babies. First, I don't understand it either, not because it's a second choice, but because it's so much work, and you have to reveal yourself so much that I don't understand why someone would do it if they didn't have to. Second, if I was able to conceive, it would never occur to me to adopt a CC baby when so many people can't have children, and have no other way to parenthood. I just couldn't. I do think it's different for mixed race babies or older children of course, as lots of them really need homes, but with CC babies I would just feel like I'm stealing someone's opportunity to be a parent, when I could have chosen another path. Just my opinion though.

Thanks for the compliments! We love her so much and we get so warm and fuzzy when she smiles. Now that smile has four teeth that popped in the last few weeks. I don't feel I took a baby away from anyone. We got Drihan within 2 weeks of signing with the placement agency and we were chosen by the agency not the b-mom as she wanted them to chose. And the fact that within 2 weeks we were presented with 4 situations and we were top on the list tells you how small the wait list for AA babies was/is. People always tell us that she is lucky to have us and we tell them no, we are the lucky ones. She has made our family complete and is a totally spoiled princess by all of us, the way it should be :D

TraceyK, the first time that picture popped up, Elijah was sitting on my lap. He smiled and reached toward the screen. If you ever decide you want to go the " arranged marriage" route, let me know! :)

Hmm, a younger man. I'll have to talk to her about it. I warn him though, she bit her big sister the other day for fun :woohoo:

If a couple has bio children already & wants to adopt, for whatever reasons they have, should they really ONLY be able to adopt an older child or special needs child? How would that affect the family? The children already in the homw if that is ALL that they can adopt? KWIM?? I think that's terrible. If that was the case, it would destroy the dreams of many. It may possibly SEVERELY limit the number of prospective parents. I personally, would NOT have adopted if those restrictions were put on me. Why should I be punished for having a bio child? That's how I would take it- as a punishment. Like I mentioned early, it is all in the Birth parents decision what type of family she/they want for their child. We were told by our facillitator that just by having a bio child, could lower our chances. Thankfully, our daughter's bmom didn't care. In fact, she and her older children LIKED the fact we had a son. They wanted to give him a chance to become a "big brother." I don't know, I just think I would feel pretty low if I was told because I have bio children I couldn't adopt a newborn again. Yep, I would take that pretty hard. Personally, I would have been open to an older baby (up to a year). But our facillitator only dealt with newborn open adoption. I have LOVED every single minute of being with my daughter from the "beginning."

Tracey...just have to comment that your daughter is obviously a girl after my heart...lady bugs!!!!!

I think the last thing we want to for someone to "legislate" who can do what when building their families. I live in a country where universal health care pays for abortion but any other family planning, including fertility treatments and adoption, is basically upto the people who "suffer" infertility to figure out how to pay for it. Although this is not a discussion about abortion that is an example of the frustration I feel in the "legislation" of what is available to me as I consider how to grow my family since I seem unable, after 7+years of trying to conceive/carry/birth a child. That the government gets to make this discriminatory decision on my behalf is incredibly frustrating. So I would never want them or anyone else to say "these are your only options" to someone who may feel called to adopt a child, regardless of how the rest of their children joined their family. So no, I wouldn't agree with limiting the adoptive choices of those who are able to have bio children. Of course, those adopting who can have bio children has the potential of affecting those waiting as infertiles. I am sure that it increases wait times as the number of families waiting to adopt increases. I would hope that there would be some consideration for that out of courtesy. But I sure wouldn't expect it. We were open to "any adoption plan" when we started the process of adoption, but narrowed it to domestic infant adoption based on what we wanted for our family. I sure wouldn't want to be the one to take that choice away from someone else who might see that as a way to bring more children into their family. We work with an agency that encouraged waiting families to focus on the adoption rather than TTC while adopting. But they don't say "you can't do fertility treatments", and they sure don't kick you out if you happen to find out you are pregnant. You go on hold until you are ready to consider the adoption possibility again or not. That seems like the fair way to do it. They are concerned that if you are infertile that you are doing the work to deal with issues surrounding that. Bottom line... I think we get into alot of difficulty when we start saying "you can't do this because"... I would rather the options be for everyone as I would like all the option open to me. It is after all, what we talk about alot here... choices.

Tracey, Elijah learned how to walk 2 weeks ago. Today just for fun, he walked all the way across the living room and hit Paul on the head with the remote control. Laughed like a little psycho when he was done! Boy I had a hard time not laughing! Elijah is the youngest of 6, so he knows all about self defense! Here are a couple pics.....Let her think about it!

I agree that the "mix" of cultures may not be best for each family. I am Native American (on the rolls), so I *shouldn't* have a hard time getting a placement, be it from CC or NA. I am not open to AA or biracial at this time because members of my family are older. PLEASE do not get me wrong...none of us are racist...HOWEVER, the N word DOES come up sometimes in casual personal speak (with the older members of my family), and I wouldn't want to subject my child to the racial slurr when even though it wasn't MEANT to be racist (that is just what AA folk were referred to back in my older family member's day). They never "threw" the N word at an AA, but in speaking among each other it was like "you see that N over there, he's a preacher and doing good"...stuff like that...it was never said in hostility, at least not in my family during my time of growing up. But, how many times have we CC's had to try to laugh off being called "Honkies" or "White Trash" by AA's? I'm sorry, sometimes the "double standard" of "I can call you this, but you CAN'T call me that", just irks me. You know what I mean? ANYWAY, off that soap box, my grandmother does slip. She's 89 for pete sake, the N word does slip out. Not often, but it DOES happen. But, that is one of the reasons we chose not to accept AA or bi-racial at this time. That may change...God this is morbid...once some of the older one's "aren't here" anymore, but right now, even though the N word would NOT be said in "jest", it still wouldn't be good to subject my child to.

Kristi, Sorry, but if they are using the N word in that context, then they ARE racist. I respect your view that you feel like adding a child of color (AA/biracial) to your family would be detrimental to the child but I guess I also question how this is also seen as normal and no one confronts the behavior. Kindly reminding grandma often that AAs are no longer called N's but black or African American, would go much farther to educate than ignoring it. I have 4 bio sons and we decided to adopt for #5 (a girl) but I guess I don't fell like we "took" a child away from another home. There were times when moms would comment to the SWs that we had children already and they chose couples without children. But dd's firstmother chose us BECAUSE we had the boys. She said she always wanted older brothers. She knew that dd would be the princess. It just feels as though if someone feels like the waiting pool would become shortened once you take couples out of the mix that can conceive, then it seems as though there's an insecurity issue. Why would couples that can conceive be seen as a threat anyway? Infertile couples never threatened us. I always knew that eventually someone would see our family as the jewel it was (not overly special, just different) and place with us.

I don't think I understand what you mean.

My gramma was the sweetest lady on the planet. Once when she was 90 she made the remark that " When my hair is wet, it puffs up into little "N curls." Now, keep in mind that my gramma loved everyone,she never met a stranger and had no hate in her entire body,she was just VERY uneducated in that respect. I gently told her " Gramma, that word is very offensive and hateful, please don't use it." To her credit, she apologized. This was long before Elijah was born. I had never heard her use that word before and I never heard her use it again. Regardless, it is not an acceptable term for ANYONE to use and they need to be called on it. By the same token, I don't like ANY slurs against any religon, race or sexual orientation. They are unacceptable from anyone. Some terms I hear on TV depicting white people are also offensive. All racial/religious/sexual slurs are stemmed in ignorance and/or hate and shouldn't be tolerated. period.

Oh no...we've definitely crossed the line here. I am NOT going to get mean...but even though I did NOT need to explain further, I guess I will being you just called my GRANDMOTHER racist. She is 89, a stroke victim, with congestive heart failure and is a recent amputee. Some days, she's SHARP in the head, some days, she's NOT so sharp...depending upon how well the oxygen is working that day. She KNOWS that it's not right to call AA's that...and as soon as it slips, she realizes it and excuses herself. BUT, I'm not going to adopt a child that could be subject to that accidental slip that could realize what that word USED to mean. I say USED to because you hear AA's calling themselves that ALL THE TIME. So, if they think it's so bad, they need to quit calling themselves that!!! But anyway...there's the whole story. NO she's not racist like I said before. I do not mean to be defensive...but that just felt like a personal blow to someone I've cherished for all of my 32 years (enough to where I am her ONLY caregiver, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week). If I took your post in a way NOT intended (like I said, to me it just felt like a personal blow), then it's all good...but I did feel I needed to explain further, just in case.