New Forum: Disruption Support
Disruption is one of the hardest topics to talk about in adoption. Those who choose to disrupt are sometimes faced with insurmountable situations that lead them to make such a drastic decision.

This forum is created to support those who need the most support, adoptive parents who choose to disrupt.

This forum does come with some guidelines - this isnt a place for bashing ones decision - the decision to disrupt is hard enough and the guilt associated with having to make that decision is already there - attacking ones character or ability to parent will not be tolerated on this forum at all!

Everyone is welcome to participate - but you must do so in a respectful manner!
I recently went through a disruption, a little boy aged 4, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I had reached a point where I could`nt continue, I just wanted to do the right thing for him, I wanted to do the best for him Idid everything my case worker asked of me and I worked with them in the preperation of him returning to his foster carers, I am just a bit puzzled by something my case worker asked me,and I wonder If anyone could help me on this one, she asked me if I would de-registar myself she wants me to write a letter to write a letter to the adoption panel doing so,she said she and her team could no longer support me.Could anyone enlighten me on this Iwould be most grateful.
I don't think I am allowed to post what I'd tell that SW without getting banned.

You owe them nothing. They can no longer support you? Doesn't sound like they ever did. Sorry you had to go through this without being supported. I would not write the letter.

Glad to see this forum. Disruption is the painful part of adoption no one wants to talk about.
lucyjoy said...
I don't think I am allowed to post what I'd tell that SW without getting banned.

You owe them nothing. They can no longer support you? Doesn't sound like they ever did. Sorry you had to go through this without being supported. I would not write the letter.

Glad to see this forum. Disruption is the painful part of adoption no one wants to talk about.

Thankyou for that advice, I shar'nt write the letter I feel so much better for getting that off my chest as I have had no one to turn to on this, I feel as though she's been blaming me I already feel so guilty even though I know I have done the right thing, thanks for that.
Maddy-

Please know that Lucy gave you wonderful advice. She is a great resource for so many of us on these boards. Remember that you did the right thing for you and the boy. Keep coming back for more support.
Disruptions ...
... can be more painful than anyone understands until they are in the middle of one.

Our family experienced two - one disruption a month before finalization of a sibling group when the children's needs became beyond both our abilities and capabilities to obtain the necessary mental health services and a second one after finalization when the child turned violent towards himself, others and family members ... resulting in hospitalization, residential treatment center services, out of home therapeutic foster care and step back up into group home and his subsequent asking the courts to release him from us for reunification efforts with a 1/2 sister ... long story but one that has turned out the best for all ... doesn't mean without sadness but for the best.

Anyways - I would like to offer my support for anyone experiencing this - sometimes it just helps to know you are not alone and you can ask a question without judgment ...

Looking forward to this forum's expansion as the need arises and to assist with both those contemplating disruption (and maybe even help it from happening if possible) as well as those in the middle of one or afterwards as many don't come to post during such difficult times.
Lucyjoy DID give great advice.....and to say that it sounds like your agency never supported you in the first place....is an understatement!!!!

Our family has adopted seven times. Three of these seven were through the system and older child adoptions. (The other four have been infant adoptions and two are already grown; two are pre-schoolers and doing very well.)

One of the older adopted children has lived in a residential facility for most of his life and has little contact with our family. He suffers from severe reactive attachment disorder. While still adopted....if he'd have had to stay in our home, we'd have gone through disruption, because we weren't going to put the other kids in harm's way.

The other child was actually disrupted after being arrested for illegal and assaultive behaviors towards other younger children. Though adopted for many years; and a complete shock to us; after many months of court battles and refusing to bring this kid back into our home, we were allowed to TPR without being charged with anything.
The other older adopted child will soon be adopted by relatives...which has been a 'God thing'....but certainly NOT what we had ever wanted in our family. Still, as crazy as it sounds, we would like to adopt another infant.
It is that last statement that I feel will insult some people. There are already people in the system who have told the one son (who was arrested) that 'disruptions are NEVER the fault of the child, they are ALWAYS the fault of the adoptive family." REALLY???????

Well, I suppose that we could have placed our remaining children in harm's way...could have installed video cameras and monitors in HOPES that he wouldn't assault our children? Never. Never.......for us, this just wouldn't--couldn't seem right and totally unfair to the younger children.

So....don't sign any such paperwork admitting (in a sense) that YOU did something wrong. I daresay that few systems actually prepare their parents for some of the nightmares that often occur with older child adoptions. And.....clearly, if something goes awry, I've yet to see where the system came in to protect the innocent children already in a family. Instead, they try to guilt the adoptive family into going through nightmares for everyone.......while saying, "You should have known! After all....this child WAS abused!"

I'll get off of the soapbox for now. Please feel free to pm me if I can be of any help to you...or just to vent. Our family has certainly been through the wringer, and if we can save any other family from going through the mire that we have--or finding some short-cut through it all because of something we've been through....it will be worth it.

Most Sincerely,

Linny
thinking about disruption
We are starting the disruption process now. We adopted our son from Russia. He's 8. He's only been here for 4 1/2 months now. I know this is a short time so please don't bash me as I am writing this with tears and great sorrow. We were prepared for issues. I read tons of books on attachment and talked to other adoptive parents, but I can't go on like this. He has severe behavioral issues that are not getting better. We've been seeing an attachment therapist. He is so defiant and hits and bites me. He's mean to my husband and I. We also have a bio daughter who is 8. This has really been hard on her. He hits her and screams at her. She has changed so much, she's seems so sad. She stays in her room most of the time. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so guilty all the time. I don't love him, actually I get anxiety when he comes near me. My husband is barely ever home anymore because he can't deal with it. I just think he would do better in a family with no other children or a family where he will be the youngest and a family that is strong enough to parent him, because I'm not and its not fair to him. Thanks for listening
Cynthiab:
No one should bash here! I can completely understand where you are coming from...and no one who has ever parented (or tried to parent) a child such as you have (and we've had) has no right to try to judge. (((HUGS)))

Are you finding that in your area/state, disruption is something that can be done? Was your adoption finalized? I ask, because years ago, trying to find the route in disruption, was unknown...and parents were totally bashed for even thinking it. Now, there are some options in some places.

If I may ask, what is the opinion of your attachment therapist? In our case, she felt that she/we had gone as far as we possibly could.

Please feel free to pm me if I can be of any help.

Sincerely,

Linny
Cynthia....so sorry this is happening!

Do you feel you have all the resources necessary to help you make this decision or where to go from here? Sometimes a different therapist can help, or maybe you need some respite care to at least get a break right now while you decide what to do? There is help out there whatever decision you make.

Have you checked out the [url=http://www.radzebra.org]Home[/url] site? You might also pm Zebramom who can direct you to resources in your area.
So sorry
Linny said...
There are already people in the system who have told the one son (who was arrested) that 'disruptions are NEVER the fault of the child, they are ALWAYS the fault of the adoptive family." REALLY???????

So....don't sign any such paperwork admitting (in a sense) that YOU did something wrong. I daresay that few systems actually prepare their parents for some of the nightmares that often occur with older child adoptions. And.....clearly, if something goes awry, I've yet to see where the system came in to protect the innocent children already in a family. Instead, they try to guilt the adoptive family into going through nightmares for everyone.......while saying, "You should have known! After all....this child WAS abused!"

Linny


Linny - you are right about where blame is placed. Where is the blame on the people who abused and neglected thesechildren to the point where they may be unsalvageable? NOT in any way to mean that there is not hope - only that in so many cases children are abused/neglected to the point that they are unable to heal. Why don't we, as a society, place the blame where it squarely belongs?

I agree - don't sign any paperwork admitting fault and I would turn around and question the SW or system that did not provide appropriate information and assistance.

I am soooo sorry about this.
I know and understand what your feeling!
I understand about disruption,I went through it Fall 2005, very hard thing for me to go through, I had allegations against,went to court,and finally got cleared!

But a year later,and trying to move on, and finding the inner peace inside me and my marriage,and deciding not to let my dream of a family die,and calling several agencies,I finally got one to listen to me, I have a recent approved home study,and can adopt out of state!
There is hope to get through a disruption!
Regards,
Beagle
THANK YOU, Beagle for posting this!!!!!!!! Smile

I say this, because even though we were not charged with anything; and many people have told us (and we know) that we did the right thing, we are still awaiting to hear from our original agency as to whether they will continue to work with us after all of this!
We had to write a detailed letter; had our counselor write a letter for the agency; and the agency caseworker came out to our home to assure that the perp was not living with us (even though the dissolution was done through the state's offering!?!?!?). (BTW...our cw'er is wonderful...)

We are supposed to hear something by the end of this week. I hope so. We know of a few more agencies....but ones that do private adoptions are based much farther away than our very rural area. Still, it has to do with 'clearing our name' so to speak; even though it is only the agency (and not the state) that is questioning this.

We'll see. But, just reading your post reminds me that if they say 'no'.......there are still other options for us.

Thank you....and I hope your baby/child finds you soon!

Sincerely,

Linny
There is Hope Linny!
Linny,
There is hope,alot of agencies wouldn't talk to me because I had a supposed scandal,newspapers and media really blow a situation blown it out of proportion! I finally had to go a couple of houes out of my area. I just kept talking to agencies unitl I found one that would answer me. I went through my list of questions and then I get to question of disruption support,no one had answers except this one. So I am pleased.

Right now Im happy with them,but I still don't let my guns down. I know red flags in child profiles I have been reading,the type of services mental in my area,and certain types of behavior I will accept.

But for disruption I have came along way,Im passing on my advice that someone gave me,Put it in the past,and move on with your future! I know it's hard,but through my situation a year later, the hurts does somewhat diminished!
Any questions,need support,pm me!
Beagle
Is anyone out there?
Hi- I'm looking for support for a potential dissolution of an adoption of a son I adopted 8 years ago as a 5 year old. He is now 13 and taking 95% of my parenting time, while the other 5 kids vie for the remaining 5%. I was widowed 4 years ago, and doing this alone has become too much at times. I am also pursuing my MSW so a CPS neglect charge would not be a happy thing right now... any thoughts?
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