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It's hard to dissolve an adoption. Sometimes, if you can find another family willing to adopt, it's easier. Tough to do that with a teenager. Many states will charge you with neglect if you try to just outright dissolve. Might try getting in touch with ADN through [url=http://www.radzebra.org]Home[/url] to find other parents dealing with situations like yours.
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Going through painful time with dissolution of severely emotionally disturbed child due to violence and anger issues. Any good advice on how to proceed?
I have a 12yo in pre-adoption placement since June 1.
He was matched with me from MARE Michigan Adoption Resource Exchange. I met him in Aug 2006, and was aware that he was in a residential treatment facillity, He was 11 then, and had made progress after being there for 2 years. The thing is, is that he had been sexually abused at age 5, and had allegedly had acted out with his younger brother back in 2002, he about 7 at the time. He was placed in foster care in 2003 because his mother was doing drugs and had abused him and his brother and neglected them. He had been placed in 2 other foster homes since then in which the last one, the foster parents decided to adopt his younger brother and not him, due to his destructive behaviors back then.
He was then put in a residential facility.
After a long wait to get him out of residential and only visiting with me on weekends, he was finally placed with me on June 1. I thought that was great news!!
I am also a licensed foster parent since 2004. I foster boys ages 5-12.
I had plans to adopt 4 boys in the next 2 years and continue fostering with the 12yo being the oldest.
Here's the situation. I had accepted a foster child age 9 in May that had sexually abused his own younger sister in the past. The caseworker and I agreed that since the 9yo had acted out with girls, he would be best placed in home with all boys. Later that month, at one on my 12yo adoptive son's visits, the 9yo foster child had sexually acted out with him without my knowledge. There were 3 other foster boys in my home in which two had walked in on the activity. None of the boys told me about this. I found out when one of the witness children had got in a fight with the 9yo foster child at school and the social worker heard about the situation at my house during the fight, and CPS was notified. The result was that all of the foster children were moved from my home pending an investigation. That happend on June 6, just after the 12yo was placed by court order, so they could not remove him. The 9yo who allegedly started this was placed in a residential treatment center.
According to CPS (Child Protective Services), both boys were acting out with each other and both of them had admitted it, and she recommended that I only foster boys older than him, and no child shall share a room with him.
I just couldn't believe that he would do this and I was in denial, and then I remembered the situations in his past.
By July, my agency agreed with the CPS worker and gave the same recommendation. Only children ages 14-18, not share a room with my 12yo, and not accept children with history of sexual acting out.
So now, I can't foster, or adopt younger children and do not wish to foster or adopt older children.
The 3 other local agencies made the same recommendation.
The adoption won't be final until about December or January. I just don't know what to do? I like working with younger children, but if I try to disrupt this adoption, I will have trouble adopting children in the future.
I have grown very attached with this child, but I'm hoping that he will be better off in a different home that can accomodate his needs, and if I can't adopt again, then I want to still foster for a long time.
Please Help!!!!
Advice Please!!!
garry9700
You need to decide you can parent this child as an only child without resentment or you need to not parent him.
Do not let fear that you won't get another placement guilt you into keeping a child you are not ready to parent. Guilt does not make a good foundation for a relationship.
And people do foster and adopt after disruption.
It will be very, very hard with this boys history for him to find a placement willing to take him. He does need treatment for his sexual issues. They won't just disappear.
You are in a very painful position. I hope you can find some peace in whatever decision you make.
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I've never been where any of you have. I've never adopted an older child. I just wanted to offer support and prayers. I can not imagine the pain you go through. One poster said she doesn't love her son. I feel you do love him, or else you wouldn't be trying to do what is best for him and your family, that's JMHO.
((((((hugs to all)))))) You are all in my prayers.
I think you've already answered your own question in your heart. If you really want to parent/foster younger boys, it would seem there's no way you'll be allowed to do this by keeping the child you have now.
I'm familiar with the pain in your decision. We had a son we'd adopted who'd been in our home for over 5yrs and he sexually assaulted/ and attempted to sexually assaut other children--- we refused to allow him to live in our home due to the dangers he presented to our children. It was heart-wrenching in many ways; but not when it came to protecting our children.
I understand your worry you'll never be able to parent again......but as lucy stated, resentment isn't a good element in raising children. Also, as Lucy said, this child needs to be in an environment to help him with his issues.........ones which I don't think can go away with weekly therapy.
If the system should give you grief about disrupting this placement, using the points that you had him in your home for this time (which, BTW, one month really isn't that long); it should also be pointed out that you're realizing HIS needs aren't being met by being in your home, etc. (Those 'points' the system loves to bring up, can always be considered on the flip side too, KWIM?)
The system needs foster parents desparately. You've told them what you'd like to do in terms of parenting and what you wished to raise in your family. If the CHILD had had issues that weren't being met, the system would have had NO problem in removing him from your home, KWIM?
Just because the problems exist within the child, himself, is no reason YOU should have to change your entire life/environment to accomodate his needs.
I would disrupt this placement, give yourself some time to wait and recover;---I would be very surprised if you're NOT given another placement within a short time.
Sincerely,
Linny
As an MSW myself I know how hard it is to disrupt.... you feel like it puts your professional credentials at stake and any CPS involvement will hurt. However, what I have found is that when people hear how much we have done and how hard we have worked to save these terribly hurt children, the sacrifices and the tears.... they applaud us for our compassion. Many peopl ehave said they wish they could have done everything that we had done for a child in need but they never have! Hang in there! You know in your heart you have to protect the other children!
I was online looking for someone who might "get" my adoption situation. I have been judged by so many who have never walked a minute in my shoes. My 13 year old adopted daughter has been in RTC for over two hundred days. They have determined it is not safe for my other adopted daughter to have her return home. She will return to state custody in February. It is a heartbreaking situation. I love her, but she has sexually, emotionally, and physically abused my other child and she has no vested interest in changing. She refuses to participate in therapy and I just don't know where else to turn. Maybe I just needed a place to put this out there. I hate this, it is not what I ever thought could happen. I was told if I loved her and supported her enough, she would be able to live in a family. If love could cure her, she would be cured a million times over.
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annied
I hate this, it is not what I ever thought could happen. I was told if I loved her and supported her enough, she would be able to live in a family. If love could cure her, she would be cured a million times over.
Whoever told you that love was enough was a liar. I hate to be that blunt -- but I've known too many young, inexperienced, naive workers who tell this to parents that are adopting. If love is enough, then maybe those young, inexperienced, naive workers (who fall for the manipulation) should adopt the kids themselves.
I so feel for any of you on this thread. We did not finalize on an adoption of two older girls and, although it pains me to think their lives will never get better now (they're still in foster care and not doing well), I know that whether we had adopted them or they went back to foster care -- the outcome would have been the same. The only difference would have been that they would have torn our family apart to get to where they are now. It's sad -- it's not OUR FAULT -- I seriously fear for our society when all these kids age out of the system and no one has truly been able to make it better. The cycle continues . . . .
Thank you, your words mean a lot. You are right, this child has and is tearing our family apart. I feel tremendous guilt that this child I was supposed to love and protect is not able to accept it. We will have a meeting with social services on Friday to decide what to do and where to go next. I am supposed to explain how we got to this point. I am writing it in a letter as I fear I will leave stuff out. I plan to end with your exact sentiment--would you be willing to have this child in your home with your children?
On a plus note, I have another adopted 13 year old and she is recently began to blossom into the young lady she is meant to be.
Again, thank you. It is difficult to find people who "get it". There is so much judgement by people who have no idea what my life has been like. You gave me a sense of calm today. I am glad I stumbled onto this forum.
Thank you,
Annie
Feel free to PM me, Annie, and let me know how you're doing. This may be the hardest thing you've ever done. Then again, maybe months from now, you will look back and know it was the BEST thing you've ever done.
Blessings,
Josie
joskids
Feel free to PM me, Annie, and let me know how you're doing. This may be the hardest thing you've ever done. Then again, maybe months from now, you will look back and know it was the BEST thing you've ever done.
Blessings,
Josie
Thank you so much Josie. I feeling quite nervous about this meeting today. I have such mixed emotions. It will be a tough day!
God Bless,
Annie
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Hello,
I am sorry for your pain. I am a survivor of a dissolved adoption. I am not here to judge, as each story is different. What I can say is, in the 1960's criteria was different-the system failed to support adoptive parents. I was a baby born at 23 weeks-lived in hospitals for a year-went to loving foster parents until I could be considered viable for adoption-bonded with them, was removed after a year from my "mommy & Daddy" and put in to a family with three biological children, an overwhelmed mother with no support from the system or her husband, an absent father and no bonding occurred. In fact, anytme a man younger than grandpa age came in the house I cried until I threw up. So I was put in the sunporch in a playpen. My first memory was being told "I hate you". I had some learning disabilities, but outgrew them and am very intelligent. I was the scapegoat, the outsider and yes, abused physically and mentally. Come to find out years later..my adoptive mother wanted to give me back soon after, but adopted Dad did not want to. So I lived in an environment where I was excluded, family members were not to talk to me for long periods of time. I could go on...but why- I was a good kid. At 15 it ended with a short conversation with adoptive mom saying she had never loved me and I had to go. My adoptive father asked me why I did not run away and make it easier on them (after "spanking"me)? I was flown across the country at 15 to people I did not know. My aparents were trying to give me back to the state. Caring people took me in for 4 years. Do aparents ever get over the pain and lack of support-no and my heart goes out to the ones who really tried. Do the adoptees who could not be loved because they were not blood ever get over the pain-no. Reunion with blood relatives-they often do not want you either. So my heart goes out to all. The system fails sometimes. We all live with the pain. Today I am working toward advocacy for Foster Youth and adoptions at risk of dissolving/mediation-it is my only message. My prayers go out to all who live with the broken dreams. The pain brings you to your knees, the only answer is to rise up and make the system better for all. Birth parents, adoptees and adoptive parents.
God Bless
I'm wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation, or could put me in touch with someone who has. We adopted a sweet little 5yo boy with FAS from Eastern Europe at the beginning of the summer. He is sweet, but he is a LOT to handle. We have three other kiddos (all bio), and we found out last month that we are pregnant - surprise! Our little Russian is very, VERY hyperactive and is a big handful. He is very disruptive (not on purpose, he just is who he is), very loud, not a good sleeper, and just requiring a ton of attention. Please understand, we are giving him as much as we can - but I am very fearful of the future, especially with a new baby on the way. We are in the process of having our son evaluated for services at the local school, and they hope to have him going to special needs preschool/kindergarten next month. Mentally he is about age 2, though he is potty trained. He doesn't really speak, and he cannot seem to answer yes or no questions (like, "Do you want a drink?" - he will simply repeat the last word or two that you said).
He is a very sweet boy, but his special needs are more - much more - than we were expecting or than we feel prepared to handle. We ARE trying, hard. We care for him very much, and we want him to have a good life.
Is there anyone else out there that has considered disruption simply because they feel that perhaps they aren't the best family for the child they brought home? Our little guy turned out to be a year younger than we thought he was when we got to meet him; he also turned out to be WAY more delayed developmentally/mentally than we were prepared for. This is not to say that he fell short of our expectations - I don't mean to imply that, as a friend said of adoptive parents, we were looking for a cute puppy and he wasn't cute enough (he is actually very cute!!) - it's simply that we don't feel equipped, particularly as we have several other children, none of whom have SN, and now have another on the way. We thought we could utilize resources, get help, etc etc but this little child is a handful. I am not blaming him, and I do not want to give up on him, but I feel like I am not equal to this task. And frankly, with a new baby coming, I don't want to be.
I know that sounds terrible. I feel horribly guilty. I don't know for certain that we want to disrupt, and if we did we would find a family who wanted our little guy and was experienced with his SN and felt more than equal to helping him have a fantastic life.
It's just that everyone I see talking about disrupting, or who has done it, has a child that has RAD or has threatened or even harmed them or their other children. That isn't the case with us, we simply feel that we may have been the means for him to come to a better life, and that we may not be his final stop.
Does anyone have a similar situation, or know of someone that I could talk to? We are doing our best here, and it is not that we just want to "get rid" of him or dump him onto someone else... we genuinely feel that another family may be better for him, in addition to feeling 110% overwhelmed as we contemplate the next year or so of our own lives.
I am honestly scared to even post this, it is a brief enough post for what is a very complicated, heart wrenching issue for us. I know how people get harrassed for disruptions when there is actual danger to them or their children involved, and I fear what we might meet if we end up deciding to find our newest addition a new home. I really hope someone can help me out here.