Another failed adoption and a BAD day!

I've stayed away from the forum for a while because I wasn't quite sure how my next posting would go. I can only imagine some of the responses I may get, but I gotta let it out and people will feel how they feel. Our 2nd private adoption has failed. To make a long and painful story short, we had been told by the bmom that she had chosen us as the parents for her baby. After several weeks of spending time with her and talking to her, which is what she said she wanted, she quit returning our calls. Later she told us she was "leaning towards another family because they were closer". Not that she had decided to parent (which would have been easier to accept), this other family is physically closer to HER. . Quite selfish! She seems to want only the good visits, etc., but nothing of the daily ups and downs that come with raising her son. I realize many of you may be saying, "Well, you should have known she could change her mind. It's within her rights to do so" etc. All of this is true and not lost to us when this whole process started. But, even after a month, I don't really care about her! I'm angry, sad and in a way wish we had never started this process. I have made myself be rational and caring for her for too long, neglecting how I feel. I had hoped this pain would ease, but with mother's day watching my husband fall apart because all the other men at the store were with their kids shopping for mom while we dealt with this. Then the due date passed and now father's day on the horizon. This may not be the place for a major pity party, and I really do hold myself together than this, but today has got to be one of the worst days. I've held it in too long. Why does is seem that us "good people" always come out on the short end of the stick? I can't physically have kids and while it hurts, the potential of adoption made that OK. I don't care how I become a parent, I just want to be one. We now find ourselves stuck. We're good people with good jobs, family, etc. We just don't have the $20,000 or so needed for agency adoptions even though we have fairly better than average income to raise a child. It doesn't seem right or fair that something that is supposed to be natural is so far out of our reach. The two private adoptions were answers to our prayers. Ok, I'm done crying and my pity party is over. Thanks to those of you who have responded to earlier posts and offered great advice. Good luck to those still in the process. Thanks for giving me an outlet to let some of this hostility and sadness go. It's hard, but it's also obvious that private adoption is not something we're looking into any further (only closed or semi-open from now on, if we're lucky)