Our 2nd private adoption has failed. She seems to want only the good visits, etc., but nothing of the daily ups and downs that come with raising her son.
But, even after a month, I don't really care about her! I'm angry, sad and in a way wish we had never started this process. I have made myself be rational and caring for her for too long, neglecting how I feel. I had hoped this pain would ease,
Why does is seem that us "good people" always come out on the short end of the stick? I can't physically have kids and while it hurts, the potential of adoption made that OK. I don't care how I become a parent, I just want to be one.
We now find ourselves stuck. We're good people with good jobs, family, etc. We just don't have the $20,000 or so needed for agency adoptions even though we have fairly better than average income to raise a child. It doesn't seem right or fair that something that is supposed to be natural is so far out of our reach. The two private adoptions were answers to our prayers.
Thanks for giving me an outlet to let some of this hostility and sadness go. It's hard, but it's also obvious that private adoption is not something we're looking into any further (only closed or semi-open from now on, if we're lucky)
Please feel free to vent and let out some of your hurt here. That is why we are here. I'm so sorry for you because it is demoralizing to have to go through this. You are right that it seems that adoptive parents have no real rights.
"it's also obvious that private adoption is not something we're looking into any further (only closed or semi-open from now on, if we're lucky)"
We also attempted a private adoption and I personally can not recommend it to anyone. The only route I can recommend after what we have been through is an agency which does not allow the adoptive parents to even see the infant until after appopriate papers have been signed and time limits allowed for. That is not in the best interest of the child - but neither is it in the best interest of the child to have them ripped from one family and then placed with another after bonding has occurred.
As far as the "(only closed or semi-open from now on, if we're lucky)" I know there are a LOT (probably the vast majority on this site) who feel that to have a closed adoption is harmful to the child - but in MY experiences it can be worse for the child under certain circumstances and adoptive parents need to be the ones to make the decision as to what is best for their child - NOT the courts, NOT the birth parent - but the parent who loves and raises the child from day one, staying up all night with them, tending to them when they are sick, knowing their personalities and vulnerabilities - adoptive parents know their children and what is best for them.
I'm glad when open adoptions work out - and I had wonderful dreams of one big happy family with all of us staying close - but the fact is there are times that this situation is not in the best interest of the child - and when the courts take away the adoptive parent's right to decide that then they MAY HAVE inadvertently created a terrible situation for the child.
Again, "(only closed or semi-open from now on, if we're lucky)" I absolutely agree - it needs to be up to the adoptive parents. There are many people here who will disagree and that is fine - they have not been through what I have been through and it is difficult to understand without my experiences.
"Why does is seem that us "good people" always come out on the short end of the stick?"
Because so many of the courts give birth parents FAR more rights than adoptive parents - and it seems adoptive parents rarely even figure in - the bparents can and do change their minds and the time periods are unfair in some states.
My prayers are with you.
