Marriage

I feel that I need to add that your experience, hello&goodbye..that is what i thought it was for all adoptees, including the son I had. I thought about him and prayed for him pretty much daily over the years, but it really never occured to me that I would be someone he'd seek out, other than possibly formedical info, which i think should be an automatic service the placing agency does anyway..so when one of my daughters saw his b-date posted, etc..I was more shocked, surprised than anyone. He'd had a decent life..not nearly as good as yours, i don't think, and yet he'd been searching for years. he had thought of me often during the years.that surprised me, it really did. Does he have some pains due to adoption...yes..it's a hard pill to swallow that someone who should have wanted us didn't take us. He said to me in anger once that a mommy doesn't leave her baby..any hurts there, do you think??? All the fairy tales in the world won't take that gut feeling away, they can cover it up, but it's there for some of us..we can't deny the possibility in all fairness to those that still feel pained in some way. That wouldn't be fair nor compassionate. And yes, we are still inreunion since 8/02. He has family members who feel the way you do, so I do understand your frustrations.

Dear hud18son,I, too, applaud you on trying to understand what might be affecting your husband. Given that he behaved this way prior to meeting his birth mother and that your hubbie responded positively when you reassured him that you won't reject him, it sounds like some of the core issues [url="http://www.adopting.org/silveroze/html/lifelong_issues_in_adoption.html"]http://www.adopting.org/silveroze/html/lifelong_issues_in_adoption.html[/url] in adoption might be impacting him. Perhaps the following web site might also be helpful [url="http://www.bensoc.org.au/parc_search/partnersads_fp.html"]http://www.bensoc.org.au/parc_search/partnersads_fp.html[/url] I'm not married yet but I do recognise that once things get really close to the vulnerable me, whether it be relationships, work, etc; I do have a tendency to clam up. And I also do recognize that ultimately we can only do our best with what we have and know now. If the other person is truly unwilling to work with you, there's only so much you can do, other than know deep in your heart that you're doing all that you can.

I just wanted to add my own PERSONAL opionion....I am an adoptee who was recently (in the last year) reunited with some birth family members. About 5 months into the reunion everything really started to sink in. Never got the chance to meet my b mom, new family members, dealing with A-family etc. It all started to become very overwhelming. I started having depression, anxiety, guilt......you name it. I turned to this site to see if anyone else had maybe experienced what it was that I was feeling. BINGO! I just can't say enough about what this forum has done for me. Talk about validation. I know some are quick to say that you can't group all adoptee's and their issues together. While there may be some truth to that there is also no denying that adoption does cause many of us to have life long issues. When I started researching the effects of adoption I was startled. I felt like I was reading about my own life. When I read some of the posts on here I am amazed that so many others feel exactly like I do. Rejection is probably the #1 thing we adoptees fear. I never really recognized that in myself until I really sat and thought about my life. It can have a lot of power over how we live our lives. It can get to the point of......Do you love me? Why do you love me? Am I doing a good job at work? Are they going to fire me? Am I being a good mother? A good friend? ON and ON. We start to question everything. I'm sure some people will say that other people (non adoptees) fear rejection too, and I know that. I'm just saying that it is magnified for us. Has your husband been on this forum? I think it would be great for him to read through these threads. There is always something to relate to, and if anything, it could be reassuring to know he's not alone.I think it's great that you are so supportive in trying to understand why he is acting the way he is. Maybe it is his job, but then again, it could be all relating back to adoption.

Cmara, Thank you for your share. I have lived in a family full of people who just cannot understand why I can't just 'pick myself up by my boot straps' and move on. It is nice to be at least in a forum where people do understand. I am one of those adoptees who may never find the bmom or any of that family....rumor has it I may have an older brother...can you imagine...2 people older than me, who I may look like! I met one of her friends once who said I looked just like her. But she was old and couldn't read, so she couldn't write me and she would be in her 70's now. I don't have enough information to find her and everyone that knew her is really old or not on the planet anymore. About being married. I was married twice, once in my teens for four years ( I have two lovely sons...who look like me..and him) and once in all of my 20's. Both of them have large families. It's amazing to be around so many people that share looks and traits, etc. Kind of frustrating too at times. When we do the Holiday dinner things, my son's dad's family has so many family activities thru-out the holidays, and then....there is me. Time with a large family with all the cousins etc, caries much more weight in an invitation than dinner at mom's. and it is just us. Well, I am coming off sad. Guess I shoudl have had more children. But, here I am at 50. How do I find other adoptees in Sacramento, Ca? Couldn't we make our own family? Maybe I will make a thread and ask. Do you guys have any suggestions?

While not all adoptees are insecure or have had problems that affect their life from it, I thought I'd share about my husband.To start with ,it was on his fortieth birthday that he found out that he was not the child of his supposed father, that they had lied to him. That was bad enough.Later after the tears and shock wore off, and we talked, he could tell ( and so could I) why he was the way he was.His need or his life to over compensate to his parents, attempting to be "good enough" for them. His insecurities, because of the way he was treated as a youngster .He left the only life he knew , with his grandparents in the dominant parental role, in England, when his "father" ( who wasn't) returned to England to find the war bride he left behind and his son ( born before my husband).Then was treated as a "stepchild" by both mother and stepfather ( alcholic) with no explanation given.As an adult, he never felt " good enough".anybody else experience this?Later the poo poo hit the fan when it all came out into plain view ( his sister younger was the product of another man/father) and his natal mother refused ( and does to this day) to name his natal father.Upshot? He was so fed up with his clearly disfunctional family that he hasn't spoken to his mother for years and years ( 12 or so) or his siblings for about 9 years.Says, it is the happiest time of his life, to be "out of that mess".HIs stepfather over the years made it so plain how he felt about my husband as a youngster, and the last statement his stepfather gave to one of HIS son's wife was " I hate going to visit ( in our city) because every time I do, it reminds me of how ****** (husband) ruined his life. Of course THAT statement got back to my husband immediately.We had a rough marriage, I can tell you. Me with my horrendous childhood and him with his. lol.Love is the funniest magic there is. The things we can get over and get through with love, like our marriage.any other stories?dmca

I'm adopted as well but I do find the way your husband is speaking to you quite shocking. I understand he may be hiding hurt but I find his words really quite rude.OK he is trying to get you to push him away because he is familiar with it.He is dealing with hurt, but what about the hurt he is causing you? Maybe you should say to him 'I know you are hurting, but your words are hurting me too'. Can he not verbalise his pain to you?If your therapist isn't working and you've given it some time, maybe try another. I know adoptees react differently, these are just my thoughts for now.I am also interested that he changes when you say 'I am not rejecting you and I am here for you'.Good luck

I am also the wife of an adoptee. We are also having problems. He is angry at his birth parents for giving him up. He finds it difficult to get close to anyone in fear that they will leave him. He drinks to hide the pain and sadness he has from being adopted. It is really affecting out relationship. He is very anti social and withdrawn. Sherri

My husband was also adopted and "yes" we definitely have lots of problems that I believe all stem from his feelings about himself because he was reliquished. You should also read the follow up book to "Primal Wound", "Coming Home To Self", it addresses issues that adult adoptees deal with. My husband is abusive.

I will get the book, thank you. My husband has been abusive too. Verbally and once he punched me in the eye. He is constantly breaking things around the house. I don't have any wedding pictures hanging up anymore. I think I can agree it is from being adopted. He doesn't have any trust in me. Always thinking I am going to leave him for someone else (being abandonded at birth )

Sherri,It is good to help yourself understand but you need to do more than that if your husband has hit you and is destructive. Your safety should come first. Unless your husband is willing to get help it generally will escalate and we don't want to hear that that has happened. Please think about getting help for yourself.

After my husband hit me, I left him for a week. I went home and things were good for about 2 weeks and then he started drinking again. About 6 weeks later I left again and returned home about 2 weeks ago. I looked up some information on the internet about negative effects of adoption on an adoptee. It is amazing the similarities of the symptoms to my husband. I gave the information to him and he agrees he has an issue with being adopted. I want him to see someone about it but he just wants to help himself. Things have been good so far, he isn't as withdrawn and moody. Time will tell how well he is helping himself to deal with his post adoption issues.

After my husband hit me, I left him for a week. I went home and things were good for about 2 weeks and then he started drinking again. About 6 weeks later I left again and returned home about 2 weeks ago. I looked up some information on the internet about negative effects of adoption on an adoptee. It is amazing the similarities of the symptoms to my husband. I gave the information to him and he agrees he has an issue with being adopted. I want him to see someone about it but he just wants to help himself. Things have been good so far, he isn't as withdrawn and moody. Time will tell how well he is helping himself to deal with his post adoption issues.

Sherri,That is a start. Glad to hear. But, just a small piece of advice from someone who is living with a recovering alcoholic. I have yet to see anyone help themselves completely. They usually need guidance to help them find the causes and yes the effects of what they are doing. If you would like a little bit more info pm and I would be glad to talk with you. Take care of yourself.

I know he needs help from someone other than myself. I just need him to agree and to realize that he needs help. Either from AA or counselling. I don't know how to do that.

I am a male adoptee, almost 13 years married with 3 children. It wasn't until the birth of my first son that I began thinking about my bio-fam. My relationship with my wife, kids, adopted family, etc would best be described as distant. About 6 weeks ago I picked up Nancy Verrier's "The Primal Wound" and couldn't get through 15 pages without breaking down. My wife and I were in a rocky place. She came home from work one day and we got into a fight (over yet another insignificant thing I'm sure -- I don't remember). In the middle of the fight I broke down and blurted out ... "I need to find her! (speaking of my b-mom). The notion had hit me like a ton of bricks earlier that day -- I had a hole the size of California in the middle of me and I was expecting my wife to fill it. She simply couldn't. This may sound pretty messed up, but every day as I waited for her to come home, I was really subconsciously waiting for my b-mom to come home to me. And every day when I realized it was 'just my wife' and 'not my b-mom' I'd get angry. I have since begun the search for them and with the assistance of CFS it is likely that sometime in the last week my b-mom received a letter telling her I was interested in making contact. What she and CFS don't know is that this morning I found out who they (I have a half-brother and 3 half-sisters) are. However, I'm going to let the letter work on its own before making any other moves. I don't know if your husband is anything like me, but the last six weeks have been a major breakthrough for me. I hope this gives you some sense of support.