Parenting: Not for everyone.

Hello Yes I have stated that some people are not meant to parent. I know that it is very unpopular statement to make, However I back it up by saying let us all look at the children in foster care system, because of systemic abuse. Parents who are drug addicts. I know of one girl who lost custody of her two children because she would not get off the drugs, and not leave her violent drug abusing (dealing ) boyfriend. Therer came a point when CAS said enough is enough, and now she has no children, oh yeah she is still with the guy. Was she meant to parent? Other parents just ignore thier children, could care less, do thier children not deserve better. Also there is the teenage girl. Parenting is a HUGE responsibility, and if you are not up to the task, why does the child need to suffer?

hello and goodbye,Good examples. I wish there were a test of some sort that gave us an indication whether we are or aren't the sort to have children. That would be handy.Too late for me. lol. Anyway, I don't think people should feel bad if they aren't cut out to be parents. Judging from all the adoptions going on, there are plenty who are and want to be. Another posted about people who "can be" parents if forced. I don't know how true it is, that you can if you WANT to be. Wouldn't you resent the child, if you felt you HAD to be a parent.Anybody got any expertise in this?dmca

On another message board, I read how someone talked two young women out of giving thier children up for adoption. I ask this, is she always going to be around for them when times get rough? Is she going to be a babysitter for them when they want to go out? Help clothe, feed and give shelter to the children? How arrogant.

Oh great...talked two young women out of an adoption plan. Is this person -- who clearly isn't part of those women's families -- going to sit up with the babies when they are sick, pay for college, drive the kids to soccer practice? Of COURSE not. My own son was kept by his birth mother who clearly wasn't ready or capable of parenting. Ten months later, after he was neglected, possibly abused and abandoned, we adopted him. He'll be dealing with the consequences of his early months for the rest of his life. If that person wasn't initmately acquainted with the women, their families and their lifes, she should have kept her big nose OUT of it! Robin

I agree.... some people are meant for other things, responsibilities, and not for parenting!!! This is NOT bad, but apparently part of the BIGGER PLAN! My HEART is ALWAYS with the children. The parents (most of the time) have choices, but the children DO NOT! Luckily, there are people that want to love and raise these children. It would be wonderful if there where parents for EVERY CHILD!!! Blessings..................

thanks njnative, I think you are right, giving too specific a choice by us ( virtual amateurs, most of us) is not the way to go. I suppose we can say, WE (I) FEEL because of my experience and hope to heck, that the women in this position will be in contact with professionals. ( Adoption agencies? SW? etc)Something to think about.dmca

The person who talked the young women out of relinquishing, is very angry about her own adoption issues. She is very anti- adoption, and how it effects the b mother only. Talk about tunnel vision.

Boy Robin can i relate! My son was given up and his bmother was forced by her sister to come get him back from the parents she left him with after they had had him for several months, she came back for him, just to please her sister and bailed on him again leaving him at her mother inlaws, who in turn bailed and called the people that he had been previously left with, who in the meantime had adopted an infant and couldn't handle any more children. The sister wrecked havoc in many lives, the parents who felt obligated to take the child back even though they were not equipped to handle him just to save him from getting abandoned yet again, the bmother who has been arrested numerous times for drugs and had her other children taken away and most importantly MY SON, who doesn't understand why he had one mother (that he doesnt remember) that left him, another set of parents that couldn't keep him and now at 6 wondering if these new parents who have him will keep him. There may be some bad adoptions out there but come on, there's some great ones too. People who do not want to be part of the solution need to butt out and quit messing up lives! And before anyone may jump to conclusions, i'm not talking about anyone on this forum:)

you know, some young mothers THINK they can raise the baby and find out they were wrong. AGain, I can't blame them, can you? My daughter in law thought she could ( poor child) but she was so young, we pretty much had the responsibility of my grandaughter. I must say here, I HAVE NEVER REGRETTED THAT.I wish, again, there were some kind of test we could let the mothers take, to find out , or give a good indicator, if they would be good mothers or should think about adopting, but, I don't know of any.Yeah, "butt out" seems to be the answer BUT, BUT, BUT, adoption and pregnancy of young women seems to be a family thing, not just a personal one.For instance, if I had not cared one way or the other about my daugher in law, perhaps she would have relinquished my grandaughter. She would have seen herself with no support physically or mentally. Get my drift?My son, was just as young as the mother of the baby and while he gave her physical and later monetary,mental support, he could not "pick up the slack" of parenting , so to speak.Thank heavens for parents who adopt and families that can help and young women who realize that they cannot mother. Bless them all.dmca

I think what you have done, is become part of the solution. You are right, some just can't do it. Some just choose not to do it. Either way, if, as in my sons bmothers case, you choose not to do it and obviously can't, stick with that choice, don't be railroaded into going back and disrupting a child's life long enough to please someone and get them off your back, then when the coast is clear, dump the child and hit the road. My son will have to deal with what his bmother did probably for the rest of his life. He has been bounced around more times than a beachball and he didn't deserve that, no one does. His bmothers sister had good intentions but it wasn't what was best. She is now raising 2 of the other kids, one other one is still being bounced around and then my son is home with us, a family that will love and cherish him forever, whether it's 'convenient' or not.

I hear you, the children are the victims in this, with no say in the matter. We have to protect them, even if that means protecting them from their parents. It's a pity some parents have to learn the hard way. It must be terrible for them later in life, just as it is terrible for the infant early in life.dmca

If only every potential parent had to examine motives, prove capability and work as hard as adoptive moms and dads do to bring children into their lives. Far too many kids are considered "accidents", but I've never heard of an accidental adoption.

When we were adopting, our social worker told us we would be surprised how many adoptions of toddlers and older children she has handled. Here's the scenario she says she sees all too often. Young women get talked out of an adoption plan by friends and relatives, who all swear they will help her raise the child. The father swears he will be there for her and the baby. They throw her baby showers and make a fuss over her. Really young moms focus on the cute little clothes and think the baby will be sweet and easy, like a doll.Baby is born and the fuss continues for a while -- but not for long. Then reality sets it. Sleepless nights, no more going out, constant responsibility. Baby outgrows all the adorable clothes, starts to walk and talk and learns to say NO. The friends and relatives who swore to help are not around much. The birthfather can't support the mother financially or emotionally. He may have moved on entirely and be involved with other women. In many of these cases, the social worker said, the pattern that happened with my son begins. The birthmother starts leaving the child for the evening with a relative -- and doesn't come back for three days, or even a week. She runs out of diapers and formula, can't buy baby clothes and the situation gets progressively worse. The end result is that the child gets neglected and bounced around from relatives to friends, to another set of relatives. Often, the child is ultimately taken by social services. In our case, thank goodness, a relative delivered an ultimatum when the baby was 9 months old. Either come get your child and take care of him, or I will call social services. The relative finally suggested an adoption and the birthmother agreed to it. We thought this was not a very common thing, but according to the social worker, it is all too common. And it's so hard for a toddler or older child to adjust to a whole new life. I would NEVER try to talk anyone out of an adoption plan. The woman knows what she can handle and what she can't. And I would never offer to help with raising the child unless I meant to follow thru.

sadly these young girls years from now may look at the circumstances differently, as they would as they matured, but it does nt mean they could parent at that critical time. Why do the children have to wait for the parent to grow up? How is that fair? Yes regret hurts, but sometime one needs to take the selfless mature step for all those concerned.

I just read on another site how one b mother said "Oh how I wish I would have went on welfare" Honestly how does this help the child by put to a disadvantage right from the start. When I had my first son, a young girl clearly not capbale of looking after herself, let alone another human being ( she walked the halls in her underware after giving birth, remember the garments and stuff you had to wear!) she was proud to proclaim that her duaghter's crib was a cardboard box, and she wasn't kidding. She wouln't bottle feed, and yet would not breastfeed either. Needless to say she was being sent home without her daughter, I always wondered what happened to her, she did get to keep her daughter, but at what cost to the child?.