Relationship question to adoptees

LLLAPHoping...you are entitled to your opinion, but I'm sure you didn't mean to include me in your "every adoptee". I have no desire for any kind of relationship at all. Never have.__________________JPDakota Amen to that. Do not want to know, do not want to search & would really really be P-O'd if anyone was poking into my business to "find" me.

to those who arent willing to meet birthmom.....whats your main reason for not wanting to meet her....just curious....what was the relationship like with your adoptive parents.....did they influence you in anyway?

[FONT=Verdana] I’m 24 and never had the desire to contact / search for birthfamily. I never felt like I was abandoned, or that I didn’t fit in with the family that adopted me or felt there was something missing in my life. Growing up I rarely even thought about being adopted. It was only when I got into my late teens that I started to think about my birthmother what heritage she was, [my parents thought maybe Irish but they weren’t 100%] What she looked like, if she ever thought about me, did she have other children if so did they know she gave a child up. However it wasn’t like every day, it was mostly few times a year, particularly on mother’s day , or my birthday. Though sometimes i think of her more, more now as i just recently came across a folder with some of my adoption/foster papers, that did answer some of my questions.

My parents they didn’t influence me one way or another, they always said if I ever wanted to search that they would be supportive. Now if my birth mother or any birth siblings were to look for me and find me I might consider some sort of contact. I don’t know it be something I wouldn’t know till it happened.

My feelings for bmother are mixed, I respect her for having me and I’m thankfully for that. Other times I hate her but not because she gave me up. Because I have some learning disabilities, and my mother thought I had a type of autism - Looking at list for possible signs of autisms there were quite a few I was able to check off. I didn’t start talking till I was 2 [developmentally delayed] even after that I rarely spoke to people outside my family. Bmother had drug problems very likely my LD’s ,possible slight autism was due to who knows what drugs she took while I was in her womb. Then again I’m thankfully that I didn’t have more severe/harsh problems. My grandmother actual thought at one time I had some sorta of FAS, that was not the case thankfully.[/FONT]

since you asked....it just is not important to me. I have a family, the one I grew into a person with & I am very very comfortable in that family. No my parents did not influence me in any way. I'm not sure how long a person can be "infuenced" not to search if they want to in their heart of hearts. I have never wanted to. No special reason except that I'm happy with the family I've got & it's right FOR ME to feel that adoption is final, the family is permanent, I've grown my history & bonding & am living my life as, how I believe adoption intends. That is MY personal opinion & it suits me. I've never felt adopted, still don't & who I look like or talk like or walk like or hate mushrooms, like etc,... has never been of any concern. I am me. I really have no feelings one way or another toward biologically related persons. Unless I find out they are hiring search people & detectives & otherwise "looking" for me. Don't mean to offend anyone, but that just gives me the CREEPS. I never used to think about anyone searching for me until I came here a few months ago. I had nightmares about it. If bio relatives feel in their "heart of hearts" to search for me, I guess I should try to see their urgency, but I'm pretty sure I would be too angry to rationalize. I'm a private person & I don't want to be searched for & don't want to be found.

Kudos to you for your honesty. These are real lives and real families (adoptive ones). I have seen the value of this discounted so many times. Friendships can develop between bparents and adoptees if everyone agrees, but they will never replace the relationship of a mommy or daddy that "raised" the child. That is the magic of adoption. I'm sad to say you don't hear of that often enough. The magic of adoption, something that turns a tragedy into a better situation. I have adopted friends and being adopted is just a part of who they are, they are not loved less by their parents because they don't have the same dna. I also think it is sort of funny that some of them do look similar, maybe because of environmental factors. Being raised by a family would definitely affect your character and your character reflects in some of your physical features. Anyways, here's one to adoptive families. You don't often get enough credit. The argument that you hear about not feeling treated well by adopted parents is heard ten times more often from children of bio parents. It is not a given that they would have been treated somehow better because the parents were biological. In fact, it is likely that circumstances being what they were things would have been worse. Anyways, my whole point is to say congratulations to most adoptive parents who have given every bit as much love to their children as is possible. And congratulations to their children who love them back.

Wow, I see you're new here. There are a lot of reasons why bmoms relinquish. In my case I was 18 and alone and in university. The upshot is that I felt like I couldn't give my son the life he deserved to have. I wasn't raped, but bdad was no longer in the picture. I did have this information in his file, he grew up knowing (and kudos to his aparents for telling him) that he was loved, but given up because I was so young. I also wrote him a letter when he was born that he received when he was 18. Of course there is always a risk or thought that someone could leave again. I'm terrified that he'll exit my life. The best thing was when I met him ftf he said 'you're stuck with me now'. He's stuck with me too! If he does need a break at some time though, at least I know what I know about him and am grateful.

I am responding to your post about your 21 year old birthson. I met my birthmom when I was 19 years old. It was difficult. Your son may have a picture in his head of what he thnks his birthfamily looks like/acts like. I am not trying to sound negative, but his dreams may fade. Mine did. I always pictured my birthmom as a small petite woman, and I was wrong. When he comes around and you two do meet, ask him prior how he sees his birthfamily. It may be a little helpful for both of you. Give him some time, to adjust to knowing his birthfamily. One thing you both have to remember is that, yes, you are family, but you aren't. He is going to have 21 years of resentment/confusion/regret/etc. You have to be there for him as his friend. I know it is hard to seperate a friendship from being a parent. My birthmom has been reminded of this several times. Best of luck

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]Well, I am a birth mom and my sons are 18,16, and 15.....and the reason I put them up for adoption is no simple one. I was abused physically, mentally and emotionally. I truly loved their father and I wanted to have a family, but....apparently he didn't, although he said he did. He wanted, drugs, street life, and everything that wasn't good for me or my 3 boys, so I had to think, what am I going to do for my boys, what's in their BEST INTREST. Thats the key word. Not my best intrest and not anyone elses, but theirs. I didnt want to lose my boys, I love them so very much....but I didn't want them to have to struggle, to suffer, just because of my mistakes and selfishness. I had no right. Then, you might ask, well why did you get pregnant, well, because I wanted a family and so did he, I thought. He was a very good actor, the Bdad.:hissy:well, i just wanted to explain a little of what happened and the reason why...will be back later[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT]

talk about a long time........I am finally back ....I have had alot of health issues and because of that I have geered away from the blog for sometime now. I just wanted to say, that, we are all blessed to have this forum and if nothing else it helps me to know that there are others Bmoms out there that know what I am going through. Just a thought.....The decisions I have made in the past have completly changed my future and from here who knows where I am going. Love you all rch4hvn: :hypno: :thanks: :thanks: :thankyou: :hypno:

I know this is an older thread but at age 21, I had no desire or need to find my bmom. The thought terrified me and I was really worried about hurting my aparents. I had a great childhood and family but I still did not feel complete. I pushed all this deep and I did not have the desire until I was 38 years old. Now I want to know her, meet her and be a part of her life somehow. I think it's so different for everyone.

Hey all, I am 43 years old adoptee, the state took me away from my mother when I was around a year old. Amom has disowned my children(doesn't acknowledge them as her grandchildren), but yet has a great relationship with my asister and her kids. Back to the subject at hand I would want to have as much of a relationship with my birthfamily as they wanted to have. I have been searching for over 20 years now and keep hitting deadend in my search for them. Lenny

Lenny...I wish you were my Bson......You sound like just what I need...I wish you the Best of Luck

Well, for my dh, it was his bdad he wanted to meet. Not his bmom, ever. It was his one hesitation to registering for his adoptive information, having to ever deal with her. He discovered she passed away a few years before he registered, and has no regrets about not registering sooner than he did. Has nothing at all to do with his amom, she yammered at him for YEARS to search. He's met six half sibs, and extended family on the maternal side. Keeps in contact with 4 people. He really wanted to contact his bdad. Especially once we had our bio kids. Partly for medical info, but what he wanted most is to be able to tell his bdad, "I turned out ok. I'm someone you could be proud of." Unfortunately, his bdad passed away a few months before we finally found a family member. For me, I met my bdad and bbro as a teen. Was raised by mom and sdad. I haven't seen them or contacted them in a decade, and am perfectly good with that, and have no intention of doing so ever. I couldn't and wouldn't be the fantasy they wanted me to be. I loathed the feeling that I somehow 'owed' them a relationship because we had a genetic bond. They were strangers who looked like me...that's all.

Adoptee here who has never had a desire to find, know or have any kind of relationship with bmom. Five years ago I was in need of medical information so that is the ONLY reason why I searched. Ironically I discovered my bmom was really a maternal aunt but she had already passed away by the time I found her. Even still when I search I had no desire for anything more than this information I so deperately needed. I won't even go into the resistance I was met with from the biosibs who I knew all my life. It took another family member not involved to get my medical information. I do not think it is fair or accurate to say that ALL or EVERY adoptee wants a close relationship or any relationship with their bmothers. I certainly didn't and don't and if I never knew that my bmom was actually an aunt it would not have made any kind of difference to me. In the years I have been involved in this adoption search and reunion community I find that there is usualy one side (either the bmom or adoptee) that had such high expectations of a relationship and wants more than the other party is able to or is willing to give. I think whoever intiates the search should allow the person to feel as if they have some type of control and that the ball is n their court. To me, anything beyond that is borderline stalking. I have witnessed too many triad member unable to accept that whoever they have found is for some reason unable or not willing to fufill their expectations. This is what leads to the big let down in these reunions. Another thing to remember that though a bmom and adoptee may share the same DNA they are basically strangers. A bmom might still envision their bchild as the baby they relinquished while the adoptee has no memory whatsoever of them. The reality is that that baby is now an adult with thought and feelings of their own. On the same token an adoptee might envison a bmom as waiting with open arms for the baby they once relinquished. This is not always the case. Life goes on and people change. Bmom go one to have subsequent children and families. All of these factors can and will sometimes place constraints on a relationship. My best advice is to take things slow and try to respect the person you have found. Also,young men are usually not as interested in reunion as are women. My abrother had the oppurtunity to get his non id when I recieved mine and he refused. His words were "For what? I don't know these people? Why would I even want to know them?" and he still feels this way. EZ

Since he's male, young and in college I would recommend just sending him a note, telling him who & where you are, how to contact you if he so desires, offer to provide any and all family and medical information he may ever want or need, and then tell him you will completely back off. That's not stalking, it's consideration. He may want to know about you, but he may not. One cannot make a choice if there is no choice to make. So, give him a choice. Let HIM decide what he wants to do - make it clear that if he EVER wants to contact you in the future he will be more than welcome to do so, and if he decides he does not, then you will respect that decision. One thing that birthparents (at least mine) don't seem to get is, the adoptee has NO CONTROL over this situation whatsoever. When it comes to the reunions, we should be given the right to set the pace.