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Hello,
I am a 21 year old female adoptee from Russia. I was adopted when I was a few years old and I have traveled back a few years ago to meet my birth mother, grandmother and half sister.
I am writing because I am seeing a pattern with intimate relationships, but I do not know if I am classified as avoidant or fearful.
I am a VERY social person. I get along with others at work, through college, and in general social relationships. I am a likable person with a lot of friends and others come to me for advice or simply to talk about problems. I enjoy being around people. Although I have a lot of friends, I have a few very close friends. These are friends who have mostly stood the test of time and shown me that they can be trusted.
The issue that I am having is with my romantic relationships. I have been been dating my boyfriend for six months and things were going great, but then all the sudden the same feeling of unhappiness crept over me like it always has in the past. He is a wonderful man, not perfect (I don't expect him to be), but overall a good person. I feel that I have reached a point where I can not break through a barrier to be closer to this person. At this point, I start to sabotage the relationship with snarky comments and nit picking over small things. It hasn't gotten too bad, but that's why I'm writing. Because I know how I am.
Originally told him I didn't want a relationship, but he was very persistent and I ended up making the decision to date him. I enjoy being in the relationship, but now that I have reached that barrier I can feel myself getting emotional and angry. Having someone get too close to me really freaks me out and I don't react well to it.
I know a lot of these feelings could be due to past abandonment issues. A part of me will start to sabotage the relationship first, so that he will end up breaking it off. I don't want it to get tot his point. I am 21 years old and I really thought I was ready for a serious relationship. I thought I was over the way things were in past relationships.
I am very comfortable with who I am. But having someone close to me makes me very self conscious, jealous, and distrustful. These characteristics are not a part of the person I am on a daily basis. I really hate who I become when in a relationship.
I don't know if anyone can relate to this, or if anyone has any advice. I feel like therapy would be beneficial (However, I'm still on my adoptive parents insurance plan, and I really don't want to have to admit any of these things to them). My unresolved issues with my adoption have never troubled me until I reach this point in an intimate relationship. I want to once and for all deal with these things, or I feel I will never be happy in one.
Has anyone else had these issues?:confused:
Therapy might help...and legally, they can't get why you are being seen from the doctor, unless you sign a waiver saying they can discuss your diagnosis/treatment with them. They may get the paperwork showing you've been to the doc, may be able to see what type of doc, but should NOT be able to get anything more.
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Sarah,
I had issues with trust in romantic relationships when I was young (a bit younger than you are now)...the best I could explain it was once "they" started to care then I was done - "they" hadn't done anything wrong. I just couldn't trust they wouldn't leave me now that I knew they were really starting to care, and I couldn't risk being left, so I left first. I didn't put two and two together for a long time re being adopted but eventually I stopped having that harsh reaction. I still have the fear of them leaving though - it all circles back to I wasn't worth fighting for / keeping by the very person who should have had my back - that "love" obviously isn't enough, etc., etc., etc.. It takes time, acknowledgement, thinking, being brave, being scared, having more lived experiences to base and erase your reactions on.
If you think talking to someone will help, then do that. If you think being an active member on the forum, and talking (or venting) will help, do that. Do both. Just don't pretend all is well, because sooner or later they will need to come out. It's perfectly natural.
Kind regards,
Dickons
"it all circles back to I wasn't worth fighting for / keeping by the very person who should have had my back - that "love" obviously isn't enough, etc., etc., etc.."
When I first read that I thought "get out of my head!" I used almost those exact words this past weekend...the guy I've been dating and I were having an issue, and I was trying to make him see how I see things...I am less important than a college education, alcohol, marijuana, various exwives/girlfriends, basically anything. I feel I am nothing. (College ed was birth parents, all the rest was ex bfs or husbands).
Thank you for the replies!
Dickinson, you said you eventually just stopped having those harsh reactions. How long did that take you? I really just strongly correlated these two issues the past few days. Once I did, it has made more sense as to why I am acting in a certain why. I explained some of this yesterday to my boyfriend after I got angry over something stupid again. He is very receptive and is understanding where I am coming from (as best as he can). He is as supportive as I can ask someone to be. However, at times this is still not fair to him. A part of me wants to withdraw spending time with him so I don't get annoyed or angry over something. I'm not a person who yells and overall we really do have a good relationship. I can just feel these emotions and feelings are on the back burner and they are triggered by certain things.
I am a very happy person who really loves life. I have come to a point in the past few months that I have been very comfortable with who I am and the decisions I make. I feel like I am transitioning into adulthood. However, when these emotions popped up I feel like I've backtracked. I feel like the removal of my boyfriend would result of me not having to deal with these feelings of being adopted. I didn't understand my behavior the past few days and why I did not want to see him or be close to him anymore. It's finally clicking now at least.
I always thought I was a very good communicator (I am) except when it comes to feelings. Part of the reason it's so difficult for me to communicate how I'm feeling is because I'm not totally sure I fully understand it.
I guess how I'm wondering, do I cool it on this relationship until I figure these things out? Or do I continue with it? I have a habit of not wanting anyone close to me to see me at my worst.
Sarah -
I can't tell you which way to go. Your way of responding by getting angry, is different than my way of leaving first. I don't even think my way was the right way, but it was all I could handle doing at the time. I was also younger than you are now so not as mature. Your maturity recognises that it's a problem - I wasn't there yet...
Have you ever seen any trust exercises for couples - google should give you some. Perhaps trying those to break the barrier or give you the answer you seek?
Another is looking for articles on how to over come trust issues for adoptees - it is a common thing...then write your feelings and rip the paper up into shreds so you know you can say your darkest fears and feelings.
As to how long it took me - I'm old so best guess looking back is that it took 2 or 3 boyfriends. But mine were quick - date a short while and bam - gone. I don't know perhaps in the space of a year? I think you are different than I am so your timeline will be different than mine - my fear never totally left but now I have tools that work for me to tamp it down and put it into a perspective that is based on reality. Now, I would choose to do things differently - to try ways to figure out what my feelings are trying to tell me - instead of running away.
You are aware and also willing to dig deep - you came here and came back - that's a great starting point. You will be way ahead to work through this now - whatever that looks like - with or without your boyfriend.
Only do what you want to do - that is the best rule of taking advice from others. If it feels right, then try it but listen to your gut.
Kind regards,
Dickons
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Hi Sarah,
Yes, I definitely have so many issues with dating.... I actually won't even date someone unless I am pretty sure that it can't possible work out, so I find someone where the situation is complicated, e.g. we want different things in the future, at different points in our lives, etc. When I first start dating someone, I refuse to believe that they really like me, I have so much anxiety over it. I always think the guy is secretly trying to end it it, but that he just hasn't told me yet. Then when things are going really well, I get really happy and excited, which is then immediately followed by me wanting to end the relationship immediately. I constantly have urges to sabotage the relationship. In the past, I have sabotaged A LOT of them. In my current one, I have learned to stop doing it and even if I feel all of the feelings, I just deal with it. It helps that my current relationship is extremely laid back and we don't spend a lot of time together. I feel like it is helping me because I need to take things this slow so I can get used to the feelings.
Things that helped me:
Therapy
I'm also a therapist so I literally do therapy on myself and identify all of my negative feelings and then try to figure out what is causing them and then develop more positive thoughts.
The book: "Reinventing your life" - by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko - Specifically the chapter called the "defectiveness lifetrap." --- This book definitely changed my life and its really cheap on amazon!!
The book: "Adoption Healing: A Path to Recovery" by Joe Soll ---- This book was also really helpful and he specifically talks about how people in their 20s have difficulties with relationships.
I'm sure you could even ask a therapist to use these books in therapy. You can do some of it yourself but it is a lot more challenging and it depends on how much work you are willing to put in and if you can be somewhat objective with your issues.
Thanks for the reply! Your post is very helpful. It's funny you mentioned therapy. I am doing a field practicum internship in order to graduate and my professor brought up that topic that therapy would be beneficial to me because she can see I have difficulty expressing my feelings.
I'll check out those books and this was the final push for me to finally call that therapist. Thank you!
Thanks for the reply! Your post is very helpful. It's funny you mentioned therapy. I am doing a field practicum internship in order to graduate and my professor brought up that topic that therapy would be beneficial to me because she can see I have difficulty expressing my feelings.
I'll check out those books and this was the final push for me to finally call that therapist. Thank you!
Hi Sarah,
I was resistant to therapy in the beginning because I went before and I didn't talk about anything important so it didn't help. This time, I tried to be more honest and it definitely helped more. The books definitely helped me to "use psychology on myself" because therapy for one hour once a week can only do so much and you have to really work on the situations when they happen and apply the skills. I've also been trying to be more honest with friends/family members and in relationships so that people can help me because I realized it's so much more difficult to hold everything in.
Even after as much as I've learned, it is still a challenge with relationships but it is getting easier with practice :)
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I read the posts in this thread, and with sadness I can relate to this situation, but not because I'm an adoptee. I had a 2 year relationship with a woman (age 61 and I'm 63) who is adopted. How much of her problems are related to adoption? I have no idea. Her history:
Married at 18 to an abuser
Divorced him, but had a son
Married 10 years later and he turned out to be an alcoholic
Divorced him and later had a 7 year relationship with another alcoholic
Her adopted mother is 98 and is most likely a narcissist. Her mother has never expressed love and has treated her horribly. Now the mother is coming to the end of her life, and the daughter is in the role providing aids and herself to care for the mother (does that mean she is not abandoning her mothere, or is still try to seek her accepatance?)
I entered the scene 2 years ago after a guy dumped her after a year of intense dating, where he expressed undying love for her. She was devastated.
Our relationship was terrific. She said over and over how comfortable she and I were together. "We can talk about anything".
But seemingly sudden to me, after nearly 2 years, she started pushing me away, though I didn't recognize it as such at the time. Suddenly there were so many things wrong with me: I wasn't sensitive (proof to her was that I didn't hug her at her friend's funeral--instead I greeted her with a kiss); I wasn't passionate (not true--incredibly passionate about her and other things in my life); I wasn't romantic, though I did things that I thought were romantic. When I asked her what was romantic to her, her reply was, "I don't know"; and the list went on until she decided it was time to end the relationship. At that time I was incredibly confused and upset, and felt, and said it, that what was happening was not about me, or us but about her, and her demons (bad thing to say: demons). Later I started doing searching on the internet and basically found that all my gut reactions seemed to be right--that there are emotional issues (however, this still must be prefaced by this is opinion) that she doesn't even know about.
I still love her intensely and feel horrible that I have no way of doing anything that can help. Any words from me to her would not doubt be poorly received.
I can't say I've had the issue you're talking about but I've certainly read about it. If you have not already read the books "Primal Wound" and "Coming Home to Self" I would suggest you do so. The books talk about exactly what you're describing and goes on to say it's very common with adoptees. I think those reads could bring you come clarity. I saw myself in many of the examples and now have a better understanding of who I am and why I do what I do. I'm slowly learning it's okay to be me! Hope this helps you.
Hey Hopeful1951,
I hope you are still there and going well. I am in a very similar situation and for the past two years. She has pushed me further and further away, using all sorts of strange excuses. I won't go into details but it has pretty much broken me. If I ask for a little time together or a small sign of caring she refuses by saying we watch TV together, isnt that enough and why am I so demanding. I have devoted my life to her and her child and as I do more I get less in return. She has driven it to the point where I am lost and says she no longer wants the relationship because she has no energy to put into it. I am heartbroken and as you know, anything you say will be twisted into a problem. Help.