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Good morning everyone. It is Sat morning and I need to vent. I rarely vent, but man I need to. Our 16 month old fs is driving our family insane. He cries all the time. We cant do anything, go anywhere or have anybody over becouse of him. He is doing better, but man some days it seems like nothing has changed.
First he is a strongwilled child. When you re-direct him he yells at me or hubby. Yes its jibberish, but he points his little finger and jibber yells at us. Sw told us he does this to his mom and she give in, but not me. Sw suggested to put him in time out everytime he does this, but that would mean he would live in time out. We are teaching him baby sign language, but he refuses to use it. Yes I know he refuses...he smiles and says no and whines again what he wanted. I sign "more" and again he stops whinning and says no with a big smile and whines again. I then turn around and put it away. Im not kidding he whines for 10 to 15 min before he finally signs "more" then I will give him more snacks. It like a game to him. I have tried time in with him, but he will bite me, kick me, yell at me. I know he is trying to get attention since Im ignoring, but his bites hurt and his yelling makes not only baby cry, but my 4 yr old too. So I have to end up putting him in time out. Walking to timeout he will scream no no no. In time out he will react either three ways. He will have a tantrum, with the screaming, the yelling, and I can hear him kicking the crib. This will last about 10 to 15 min. Or he will just cry this sad cry for a couple minutes and then play. Or he will sit quietly for a min. He loves to annoy my 4 yr old son. He follows him and hits him, bites him when my son ignores him. I know he wants attention and Im trying hard to show him the correct way to get the attention, but he is so stubborn and will refuse any direction I or any gives him.
Ok now for the crying. This take a toll on everyone in our house. When I say cry, I mean that high pitch bloody murder cry. The ones that peirce your ears and gives headaches. When he wakes up in morning. He cries loudly. I try not to get him if he is crying, but he will cry for hours so I have to go in and then he whines. When Im preparing food he cries becouse he is not getting it fast enough. He will throw himself at my feet and cry the whole time Im cooking. Sometimes if Im frying something I have to put him in the crib becouse nothing will keep him out of the kitchen when Im cooking. Bath times he cries and fights me I have to hold him down, drying him he cries, dressing him he cries, brushing his hair he cries. Brushing his teeth ok he doesnt for that. In the morning when my son is in school and hubby is at work he is not that bad and seems happy. But as soon as hubby is home he is awful. He cries when we go out. This is hard couse we take the kids once a week somewhere to eat and then a movie. Well we got kicked out of the theater and we can not go back with him. Dinner is a mess. He whines till food comes and then he gets upset that Im eating something different then him. No stranger can talk to him couse that will start him. I cant go to the playground, he is scared of slide and scared of swings, does not like the feel of sand or the grass. When I take the others he will sit crying in the stroller while I take the baby down the slide and in the swing. When I try to take him down the slide he or put him in the swing or let him walk in the sand he screams bloody murder. He whines the whole ride in the car seat. I cant have people over. If the door bell rings he cries. When anyone steps in the door he cries till they leave. So no one wants to come over. My mom refuses to come over unless I put him to bed early. Even my sw and baby Ms physical therapist that come every week he will cry. He knows them. When they come over I have to put him in his crib, becouse we cant talk or I cant work with the therapist. Oh and he will wake up three or four times a night and scream, he wants a bottle and I refusing to give it to him.
So Im tired and I barely have hair left. I just needed to get this out. I dont know why he crys soo much. I know b-mom has never used drugs in her life so he is not drug exposed. He did come to our house with two black eyes and his eyes swollen shut. So someone else could not deal with his crying, but no one know who, well b-mom does, but refuses to say who. Any suggestions to make him stop. I have read books and articles and nothing is working. I cant even get respite, becouse no one wants him. They all know him by the cryer. Help.
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You have GOT to be kidding me! Biting and hitting the kid back?! A kid that has all ready come from enough abuse or dysfunction to get them into care?! I am sorry but if a foster parent has no other tools in their parenting repetoire they have no business fostering until you develop some. Holy Cow!
Tricia
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kx - I don't know about the others, but I was referring to a medical doctor first. Just a "rule" I tend to use which is rule out any biological/medical reason for behavior or crying etc. first, and then if none is found, focus on the emotional aspect.
In this little boy's case, I wonder if he has some kind of sensory condition since he doesn't like to touch things that a regular toddler usually can't keep their hands off of, kwim? Sand, grass etc.
And constant crying that cannot be consoled...given his history of abuse, it may very well be psychological, but to be on the safe side, I'd have a medical evaluation done just to be sure there isn't something hurting him inside that he can't communicate.
if you want hitting to stop, not sure why hitting the child back will help.
one thing i have noticed, is that children who hit, usually their parents hit them. Children do learn from us so i have to disagree that biting and hitting a child is the way to go, unless of course you want them to continue to do it.
plus, with foster kids, its against the law and your liscence can be revoked.
kids in the foster care system, need to know that there are other ways to deal with their anger then hitting and biting.
i just had to somthing.
kxl164
for those of you who have said to have him evaluated by a doctor, what kind of doctor are you talking about? When my foster son did this his ped told me he was fine and that he just had a temper... Do you mean a child psychologist? Do you mean a developmental ped? I would love to know, thanks!
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okay..alot of good posts already but I will add my knowledge. My 2 yr old screamed, tantrumed all the time when she was first placed. Now all her inward rage is redirected outward and she is very violent to us and other children. I feel she is getting better. She sometimes will go a couple hours before she will hit me but it takes time and lots of patience. If the screaming is making you angry then you might want to reconsider placement. My child feeds off anger and even though I am an easy going person I still have moments where I get angry...when I am at that moment I take a time out (jump in the tub or walk the dog). You cannot ever hit or bite your kid! This is not a normal child that will get over your one time violence. Also you will want to consider health of the child...perhaps he is sick and screaming is the only way he knows to tell you he feels miserable. It took me a while to figure out the different cries of my child between sick, angry, tired or hungry.Hey my first adopted child never cried and I remember feeling horrible when her eardrum burst due to a horrible ear infection...I never knew because she didn't cry.
Thanks everyone for the replies and all the suggestions. I will put in practice with many. I will try to answer some questions to some that way I may get more suggestions. Please keep it coming this is helping alow and I am writting them down for later use.
He has been with us for 3 months. He is very stuborn. Actually he reminds me of my son when he was that same age, but my son never used crying to get his way. I did get to watch some of the visits with the b-mom, sw thought it be good for me to see. He also behaves this way with her. The difference is that b-mom give in to him and that make him soo happy and will stop whining till he wants somthing else. I on the other hand will not give into him. I noticed that when I say no and I mean no he gets angry and then start the biting and hitting and crying. I also got to talk to b-mom about his eating schedule. Well he does not have one. He eats whenever he feels like and whatever he wants to eat. So he whines a lot during the day and pointing to the food in the cabinets. I give him three meals and two snacks this is not including the milks he gets in between and yes he eats all. He uses the bottle as a security. I usually dont mind the bottle, but whenever he feels unconfortable he wants a bottle to soothe him. Thats why I refuse to give him so many bottles, its just not a healthy security for him. He only has two bottles one at nap and onther at bedtime. I did replace it with a stuffed animal he choose at the store and a blankey. When he gets nervouse I will bring it to him so he can use that as a security. He gets very nervouse with strangers. This is a concern becouse he acts very fearful when people get close to him and when people come over. This includes my husband. He cries less when hubby is not home or when I am not home, but if we are home together he is very nervouse and tends to cry a lot. I know that his b-mom said she did everything with him. He slept with her, he bathed with her he eat on her lap and she never left him with a sitter. He was always with her and according to family b-mom did not leave much.
With the doctor, well He has been to the doctor several times. I have a medical fragile baby and she sees the doctor several time a month. So the doctor has done a full physical, including blood work and watched him closely. He cried the whole hour and in a half that we were there. Its sad becouse the nurses love Baby M, but they hate working with Little C becouse of his constante cry and his temper. Doctor said she noticed he has a stuborn streak something I noticed. The doctor says that some children are more stuborn then others and uses crying as a way to control adults. Hmm Im not sure about that. His crying does not make me angry, it does concern me, but once in a while it will get to you and that when I will put him in his crib to get a break. This occurs maybe once in a week or two. Not often. With crying at night he is not use to sleeping in a crib and alone. He used to wake up every hour and scream for an hour. Now he only does it once or twice at night. I will go in and hug him lie him down and give him the blancket and stuffed animal, but not a bottle and thats what he wants. In the morning he starts yelling momma momma if I do not come right away he starts the tantrum. He wants things done now. Lol he is an unpacient little guy. At a resterant when the waiter leaves he gets upset becouse he did not bring his food and he knows who is the waiter and everytime he sees him walk by he gets upset that his food is not here now. Its kinda of funny.
Sorry so long. I just needed to vent. After 3 months you tend to wear out and just need to complain and then I can pick it right back up. He is not a monster. He is actually a sweet baby. He loves hugs and kisses. He loves to give hugs and kisses. He gets very happy when we pick up my son from school and loves to play with the baby. He will bring toys for her to play and loves to kiss her. He has bonded to me, not to hubby, and to my son. He just has some things we need to work on and somedays I feel that whatever I do is not working, but then he was a lot worse when he first came, so he has made progress. He is a sweety.
Oh one thing. His nervouse cry is very different then the cry he gives at home for other things. So I think some of it might be to try to get his way, he does do this with his b-mom and she tends to give it to him fast. Well gotta get him ready for bed. Thank you all again and please keep it coming.
Ok, I'm not an expert but I'm a mom, foster mom and nurse and I tend to really think that lots of advice given doesn't work b/c people have very unreal expectations of children and poor understanding of child psychology. I commend you for taking on this little guy and I totally FEEL for you about the screaming, crying all night, not talking etc. Our FS came to us at 19 months old completely NON-verbal, SCREAMING at any transition (from alseep to awake, from floor to high chair, from car to house... sound familiar?). Normal toddlers this age do have some anxiety about transition - throw into the mix a child who was not parented well and you have a child who has never been able to predict outcomes. You said he came to you clearly abused - what were the odds that this was the first time the child was abused? small. I'm sure in the course of his 13 months with mom he saw his share of abuse and just because mom was around does not mean she was parenting. So now this poor broken creature has been dumped on your lap. Here are some things that worked for us ( and we also had a 2 year old who needed our attention too so I get that you can't always focus on this one child too)1) 16 month old children are not psychologically really able to think about manipulating adults. that is way too an abstract concept. So although you might feel manipulated they don't think that way. They think "i have a need. I MUST FILL THIS NEED. Past experience taught me I FILL MY NEEDS BY X (crying, hitting, etc)." So I understand that you feel he is trying to manipulate you but really he is trying to meet his needs. Now we both know that you are filling his basic needs for food, security, etc but he is not accustomed to a world where his needs were safely met. try to keep this in mind and it might help you through some hard times. he is too little to truely understand manipulation - just the need to meet a need.2)although our FS was 19 months old he tended to act more like a 8 month old so we let he act that way and figured we'd "Catch him up later". So we let him have a bottle, and a binkie and a lovey. He has been with us for 9 months and still wants his binkie. We let him have it at bedtime and nap time. eventually we let him give up the bottle. you are right you don't want a kid to only drink milk all day but you can sub in water and he can have his bottle. Also for eating, my fs would only eat potato chips. So, I went to the store, bought organic chips (if figured if that is all he would eat I'd get him the best chips available) and then started to introduce other foods (crackers, fruit, yogurt). After 9 months he still loves chips but will accept crackers as a substitution. 3) he might have been abused by men (at the worst) or not around many men (at the best) so to him your husband is a scary unknown. My fs was the same with my husband and still will always prefer me. We had to allow my fs to be just with my husband and he will now do well if I'm not around as an alternative. 4) I'd ask your pediatrician if you could give him some benedryl at night to help his sleep. it is a well known "off label" use for the drug. It might be enough to let you all get a few nights sleep. It is non-addictive. it worked for our FS. HE would SCREAM all night. which didn't work for 2 working parents. So, we tried it for a few nights. It helped him learn he was in a safe place to sleep and that he could sleep all night. If an adults was having trauma and couldn't sleep they would give them something it is not fair to let a todder suffer.5) you are totally right to try to keep him on a schedule. kids NEED to know what comes next. 6) fear of strangers is somewhat normal in that age child and in your FS case his stranger danger has only been made worse by abuse and being removed from mom. i have not great tips for that except to calmly tell people, "hey, cut him some slack he was an traumatized kid". Maybe some of that is helpful - maybe not. there are no standard answers that work for EVERY child. I am happy to say that our FS has after 9 month begun to act more "normal" for kids his age. still not there totally but definately getting better. best of luck! it is not easy. we have been there and we know!
[FONT=Comic Sans MS]As the mom of an AD now 3 year old...adopted at 8 months when he was most likely RAD...boy does this sound familiar. I would strongly suggest looking into attachment disorder and RAD...finding a qualified attachment therapist and doing tons of attachment parenting and holding time. Get a carrier and hold him constantly, DS's feet didn't hit the ground for basically the first 6 to 8 months. My DS was a screamer...a non-sleeper...AD/RAD. He manipulated, he beat me up...literally kicked, hit, bit, spit, scratched me until I bled. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]My son was hurt, sick, damaged...he needed me to heal him. It was hard and there were days I hated him...but it was not his fault. This poor child sounds so like my son...he needs help to learn he can trust as he obviously does not. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Some websites that helped me when my son was an infant amd toddler... [url=http://www.a4everfamily.org]A4everFamily.org - HOME[/url] and [url=http://www.attach-china.org]Attach-China[/url] both have great info for helping an AD/RAD toddler. [url=http://www.radzebra.org]Home[/url] is good as well. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Good luck.[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT]
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I didnt pick up on the male issue until the previous poster said something. I had a infant girl who would scream anytime a male walked in the room or tried to talk to her. We figured it was because she had never been around them, my husband just kept at it talking to her in a very quiet voice almost a whisper at times till she got used to the fact of the deeper voices.
Thank you all for your suggestions. I was just having a very hard week last week. Little C get nervouse when hubby and I are together, does good if its only hubby or only me, but together he cries all day. Hubby was off work all week last week and the crying was driving us insane. But things are normal and hubby is back at work so now we only have the weekend that he cries all the time.
Tvs4- Thank you for the many suggestions. I do agree with many things you say. I am a big schedule person, flexable, but I also believe schedule is a big key. I do agree in most cases with the bottle. My son came at 15 months and he was more like a 8 month old and he had a bottle till two. But with this guy its different. He uses it as a security and the sw told me she want him off becouse that what the family uses to shut him up. He is getting better eating healthy. He actually is a very good eater he is just inpacient. He wants food now and has a cow when I take longer preparing it. Benedryl sounds a very good idea. He is not up all night he just wakes up a few times screams for about 5 min to 10 and goes back to sleep. He used to cry all night long, but its getting better. He is still anxiouse with stranger and I have told my family to get over it that he will get better, but they still dont understand. The manipulations I dont agree with you. I see toddlers manipulate their parents all the time. Now that they understand that is what they are doing then yes they dont understand. I have seen my 9 month old maniputate my mom to let her have things I do not allow, then she gives me this smile, like see grandma gave me icecream and I whinned for 5 sec. Kids are smart. I have seen toddlers at store throwing a tantrum becouse they wanted something and parents say no. Then 10 min later I watch the parents give in and get them what they want to shut them up and the toddler gives this knowing smile. They dont understand the concept of manipulating, but they do know that if I cry long enough they will give me that choc. Its just human nature. Everyone does it.
Again thank you all. Like I said I just had a tough week. I know with time things will get better. Its just some days one needs to get it out in the open. Thanks again
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