Contact with Bios when DHR says NO

Hi Hunters Mom How about leaving regular updates with the attorney or agency that you used? Possibly the birthmother and/or family will check with them. And....if not, at least your child will grow up to adulthood knowing you honored your promise to keep in contact. I'm at the other end of the spectrum. As a birthmother from the closed era, I know how hard it is wondering if your child is alive, happy and well. I applaud your intentions and hope the love and gratitude you are projecting comes back ten-fold to you and your family. Regards - Ann

Christy - Is there any chance you can look at K's medical records and see if there is any mention about a family doctor, etc? You may be able to restablish contact through a previous doctor that is willing to help. Also, were the bparents or relatives receiving services through any social service organizations, attending specialized schools? These may be another resource. Sam

We are having a similiar problem. We have been practically begging the adoption worker for a year and a half now to either pass along our contact info to my daughters birthfamily or to contact them and ask permission to give us their info. She refuses to do both. She says she does not know where she is living now. She won't even contact the grandparents (whose address and phone number were almost certianly listed in the file). It's very frustrating because I know it's just her preferance that no contact exists between us. But how fair is the to my daughter when she is the only child in our home who does not have any form of contact with her birthfamily. I wish the adoption worker would allow US to make those parenting choices for our daughter. What harm is their in just offering contact?

I just have to say I am sorry you are all dealing with this. but let me say what the SW told me. It is in the best interest of the child,(omg do I want to cram those words down her throat). Do they really know what is in the best interest of the child? big hugs to you all jan

My daughter's mother was a teen with MR. Her grandmother has been involved with DHR for decades, but they are not dangerous or violent. K is the product of incest and that is why the workers do not want any contact, but she will HAVE to be told later, when she can understand. Her bio father wants nothing to do with her, so it is just her bio mom & bio grandmother. The problem is that I was running into them everywhere - now, cannot find them to save my life. There are other ways I may be able to find them, but I do not understand why they will not give me the information. This is MY daughter; I should be the one making the decisions. I do not want to cause them any additional pain or concern; I just want them to be able to experience her growing up & for K to kind of know them, so that there is no "adoption shock" later on - and so that she does not have a romanticized view of them. I think that it is healthier for all of us to have contact. It will allow C (bio mom) to let K go & to grow up herself!!!!! Christy

If you know the attorney that represented the parents at the TPR you could send corrispondence to that attorney. Normally they would just forward the information on to their client at the last known address. You could also give them your attorney information in case they want to provide you with their contact information for future use.

How long is it before you adopt. Can you wait and not go against what they have told you? Once you have adopted then you can turn over all avenues and contact who and how you wish. Just a word of caution.

I'd say if your adoption isn't final yet that I'd not do anything. While they won't take the child away, DHS can still make your life miserable!!No matter how much we'd like to change things, we can't. You can't make the worker forward anything. You can't make them give you info. You will have to find a way around them.

Someone told us to make sure we got the medical records & anything else we wanted BEFORE the adoption was final because everything is sealed up afterward. We didn't think we needed medical records because we'd had her since infancy, but we asked anyway. Bmom's address, phone & ss# are in there. & bgm's address too. Good Luck!

Shortly before we finalized, we were allowed to look through the file and take notes (no photocopies) because it would be sealed afterward. We spent at least three hours going through the two binders. I wrote down every name, address, SSN in there. There were phone numbers and addresses of relatives and friends, as well. I figured I may use some of this info. in the future to find them. They wanted contact, but at this point it is not safe. If you have not finalized yet, ask if you can read the file.

In TX I had to read the CPS file on my son & was given a copy after the adoption. One of the questions during the adoption from the judge was "did CPS give you access & a copy of the file for ___" The file included his original birth certificate & shot record (Drs. name & address are there) It had a check list of medical info for his bio parents, most of it said unknown, but it was there. The file also included their SSN#'s. With a history of MR you should have this information for the sake of your child. I would check with an attorney in your state if this is required information that you should be given.