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A week ago, my mother-in-law (who is CC) was watching me (I'm AA) put my daughter's (she's AA/CC) thick hair into afro puffs. They were cute and shiny, and her scalp was parted into simple rows. Every time my mother-in-law sees her, she's wearing a different hairstyle. That particular day, I was in a hurry, but trust me, it didn't look raggedy.
As though my daughter's hair is a "problem," my mother-in-law says with this smarmy tone: "Her hair's getting longer and longer. Are you just going to let those puffs get bigger and bigger? So, what's your plan?"
My daughter's hair is a far cry from Angela Davis: maybe, an inch and a half long, sopping wet. But these puffs were cause for concern. They. must. be. stopped.
I was slightly taken aback, and responded that I didn't have a "plan." What the heck does she mean by a plan? She has another granddaughter (CC/A) who is biological and has straight hair. It keeps getting "longer and longer," too, and is often in her face because she refuses to sit still for more than a minute of styling. I've never heard anyone ask what the "plan" was for her hair.
When we adopted our daughter, she was practically bald, and then grew straight, shiny baby hair that took a long time to grow. My mother-in-law said one day, "she's keeping us in suspense with that hair." Clearly, meaning, I wonder if it's going to get all kinky. Then after it curled up, she was asking me if it was "good" hair. Good hair, in this day and age. I was patient. She doesn't know, and why not educate her?
But now she's on my last nerve with the "what's your plan?" stuff. She went on to ask what my hair was like when I was younger and how my mother--who was a hairdresser--must have had lots of ideas for styles. Again, a conversation that bordered on offense, because she's not worried about her other granddaughter's head.
I have half a mind to make *sure* that every time she sees me, my daughter's got the puffs. And if I feel like it, I *will* take out my blow dryer and knock out her curls into a BIG ol' fluffy 'fro and take her over to grandma's.
Maybe I'm just venting, but here it is a week later and I've finally decided I'm officially offended. My daughter's hair is not a spectacle, an issue, or unmanageable. It's just hair. I'll give my mother-in-law this: she's never struck me as a racist and I still don't feel that she is one in the least. But on this particular topic, if she never says another word about my daughter's hair, it will be too soon.
Sorry.
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I would tell her you're planning on dreds. (I also like the big fro idea.) Personally I like the beaded braids, though it must take a long time to do.
Lordy, doesn't this woman have anything else to think about? I think you are right about it being racist. It sounds like she was hoping for kid version of the AA Barbie doll. CC features, just a little darker. When are people going to see that beauty comes in many forms?
I think you need to ask her what she means by her question or why is she asking. As I read this I don't think she is trying to hurt your feelings. I think she is trying to learn about your child and her hair. Did your MIL have all boys by chance? The girl hair issue could be something new to her.
I also know that someone said to me that my ad who is multi-racial (AA/NA/CC) has good hair. I asked them what that meant. I was told good hair is not corse or kinky.
S is hair is soft and very curly. I wish I was better at doing her hair. Mainly I would love to learn to braid it other than the basic french braid. Her hair is half way down her back right now. And I know I have been asked how long I am going to let her hair get. I told my MIL that once she can sit on it - than it will be long enough. My MIL has all boys so hair is something she never dealt with. And has always gone and had someone do hers once a week.
I can empathize completely! My daughters (both AA) are now pre-schoolers. Believe me, their hair is mostly in those 'little puffs' all the time. We live on a farm, they've had it braided before---they don't like it for long (hurts too much they say); and I've decided that SOME people just think that my kids are supposed to be some sort of 'fashion statement'---as if they were 'here' for anyone else's pleasure?!?!?!?! However, when I've discussed this with other AA women (especially AA college age girls) they tell me that what we're doing is 'good'. They tell me that my girls' hair is well conditioned and THEY wore primarily 'little afro puffs' when THEY were little. Soooo, what's with some people, you know?
Forget it. Your MIL is wrong. I have been a teacher for a few years (SAHM now), and I say this, because it occurred to me that when little CC girls wear their hair in pretty much the same style each day, NO ONE says ANYTHING about THAT, now do they? If CC girls' hair is cut short...does someone come along and say, "Hey, when are you going to do SOMETHING else to your hair?!?!?!"
I don't know what 'their' problem is, but I refuse now to perm, or style my babies' hair for the satisfaction of others. (I like beads too. I think they're gorgeous. But I also know that those girls have to sleep on those beads too; and my girls don't want THAT!)
So, do your own thing; and if MIL says another word about it, you might ask her if she's ever raised children who were anything other than CC? Then ask her how many times she's spoken to others who's daughter's hair was styled pretty much the same way most of the time. Then ask her if she's ever slept on beads, or braids that were tight on her head????
People. Just never know what's gonna come out of their mouths!
Sincerely,
Linny
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My brother and his wife are always asking if DD's hair is good hair or bad hair. Makes me crazy. We are going to visit (staying in a hotel instead of at their apartment) at Christmas. If they say anything, I'm going to have to get cross with them. (Like how civilized that sounds?) Every now and then they sneak in these little comments. I'm not a sensitive person, but geez. DD is only 18 months old, so we'll see how this Christmas goes. If it doesn't seem to be good for DD, then we're not going back. Mother wanted us to take her, so we agreed, but I won't expose DD to a bunch of negativity. Period.
Now me? I'm CC and I have really bad hair. Trust me on this. I keep it short, but it doesn't really help. (heavy sigh)
I just had to give a quick topic. Welcome to the world your child will face. Black people and hair have always been an issue. we have been laughed at, stared at and had our hair touched because it was different. I am sure you mom meant no harm. But all through history white people have been concerned about our hair. As long as it is clean and not all over place and she likes it...move on. Smile and enjoy it while you can until you start pressing or perming it...or you can keep it natural:)
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Ok I am lame at hair, mine and kiddos. I have to chase her around the room to even get puffs in. And let me tell you, I leavin condition, I mosturize with lotion, I use only Carol's Daughter stuff....but by the end of the day, my toddler's puffs are a fright! So....I do big crazy afro....put a little hair scarf on and walla....cute hair. My mom did say...."We didn't expect her hair to be so black" But I know my mom adores her...and loves her hair, so I forgive her...but from everyone elses mom, and your MIL I would woop out a can of woop@ss. Really just respond....oh??? I'm going to ask (grand daugther 2's) mom what the plan is for her daughter's hair, and then I don't know...probably follow that same plan.
I'm sorry, but the whole concept of "good hair" (And LeighM, believe me, as black women in America, we KNOW the definition of good hair) drives me insane. I hate it when blacks use it to describe hair (since it demonstrates inculcated self-hatred) and when whites use that term (since it reinforces the notion that non-kinky hair is the desired norm).
Truthfully, I would probably ask your MIL why she asked such a question. Let her walk into demonstrating her own bias and racist attitudes. I did something similar with my (black) mother. I told her that when I had a child, I would let her hair loc, just like mine is loc'd. (I don't use the term "dreds" for many reasons). She was like, "Why would you want to do that?"
"Because it is natural and will allow her to grow up without the negative connections to hair that we have in our community. There will be no hot combs or tortuous styling sessions. Just hair that naturally locs and is easy to maintain with regular twisting/palm rolling."
"You wouldn't do that to your daughter!" she replied, aghast.
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Because you want your daughter to look nice," she blurted.
"So you're saying that my hair doesn't look nice, then?"
"Well, well..." she blathered. "You know I don't like those things you have in your hair," she finished.
"Well that, Mother, is your problem, not mine. You've bought into the majority culture mythos that 'if it ain't straight, it ain't great' and that is for you to get over on your own."
She then went on to threaten that if I did loc my child's hair, she would cut the locs out while I slept.
Hair politics are indeed a powerful issue!
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As a white woman to two black daughters, I just LOVE what you say and how you say it. We MUST consider that the bottom line is how our daughters feel about themselves in a society who tries to TELL us how we should feel about ourselves. As women, it can be a losing battle if we allow it. Thank you!!!!
Hello moms raising AA children. You will have some choices that I suggest you seek out a AA hair stylists if you have no close friends around you of AA background. As the child gets older you will need to do more than just comb with conditioner or learn about other products as the texture changes. You can 1) Press the hair with a hot comb. I think my mom started doing this to my hair by kindergarten. It is not hard but just time consuming...2) you can place a perm in the hair that makes it easier to wash and keep together-they have very mild ones for young hair or 3) keep natural but will need to find a style that is easy to care for. Find what is right for your family and don't listen to others. If hair is the most issue you have with your child then that is good!!! You have not even hit the teen yearsLOL.
I know it is annoying but a lot of comments come from ignorance and people just want to know. I am 39 years old and I had to explain what I do with my hair at work as non whites are always asking. Yes I think it is rude but I try to turn it around in a learning experience. Your child will have to get used to this also...so be prepared.