Did you feel instant connection with referral?

Funny you say this Cris as my first words after they told me my oldest was a boy (after way too many DAYS in labor) were "Are you sure?" Funny now, but I was so positive he was a girl! But anyway . . . My younger two were both waiting children who we picked, so I am not sure that really "counts." We received our first referral the day our homestudy was completed. A one day old baby girl. We were waiting on our 171H and while her picture was on the fridge and she was cute and all, there wasn't a real "connection." And then she passed away suddenly. I was beyond devastated. I cried for days. (I still get sad talking about her and on the anniversary of her birthday and death.) I would never have believed how attached I was to her until we lost her. Please tell your friend that what she is feeling is perfectly normal. The bond will come with time.

We did , we just knew she was our daughter, but we had a wierd situation as we were not even thinking about international adoption until we saw her picture. For us it was very much a God thing that she came into our lives at all. SO yes I did, but I also had dreamed of A child ANY child for o long that it may have been the love of having a child as much as this child...NOW I could not imagine life without her, or even remember what it was like without her, except of course when it is time to pay bills and we have to add diapers and meds and lactose free milk to the equation...lol Nichole

The first look at the pictures are a little surreal like another poster stated. I did feel a connection right away and couldn't take my eyes off his pictures the entire meeting with my social worker. My son has an uncanny resemblance to my nephew so that may have been part of it. But I would tell your friend not to worry since once she sees her baby in person it will be so much different!

I so appreciate the honesty of this thread. My first child (bio-daughter) was born quite early and spent her first 40 days in the hospital. I remember being so scared during the first week after she was born and finally talking to a friend about my worries about not feeling bonded to my child. She was very reassuring about how bonding and attachment grows over time and not always instantaneously. It is strange because now I feel like getting through my first child's difficult entrance into this world has helped sustain me through this early part of the adoption process. Again I have a child that will (hopefully) someday be "mine" but is being taken care of by others...I don't know when our little guy will actually feel like my son. For me, the love grows when I am actually able to take care of a child, hold them, comfort them, know them. Thanks again for this thread. This forum is amazing.

I didn't allow myself to really bond or be excited until I knew the agency would accept us to adopt her. All bets were off at that point. I will say, I do love her. But I do sense that I love her a lot more each time I watch the video.

OK....this is a subject that my husband and I have talked about some. We don't feel that it is actually "real" that Darin will be OUR SON. It is like....we are still waiting and waiting and is it going to happen? We had a rough experience with foster children and bonding with them and then having to say goodbye.....so our hearts want it to be "TRUE" that we WILL actually have a son of our own to love and hold forever! We should get updated photos next week.....we are anxious to see how he is growing and his next medical update. We care for Darin...............just waiting until the day we get to hold him for the first time! Melodie

For both DH and I, it was instant. I was determined not to bond right away, just because I'm terrified that his birth mom will change her mind, but my heart over ruled my head big time. I don't think it's unusual not to feel an instant bond though. We all attach differently.

Actually we did! We saw his picture and knew he was meant to be ours. We were so lucky!! I mean look at that face - who couldn't love it!!! :-)

I also didn't feel an immediate love when I saw Alex's picture. I was IN LOVE with the idea of being a mom and having a son, but I don't think I would call it love for that little man. The whole process felt like steps I needed to get through. Even when we visited, I didn't feel love. As someone else said - it felt like we were babysitting. I did have a hard time giving him back, and it was much harder to wait after the visit trip. We are picking him up right now, and I sort of feel the same way. I don't think I completely belive that we are bringing him home. I have feelings for this little guy, and I know that they are the beginnings of love, but I think it will take a couple of weeks for me to be head over heels. Kim

Before we really got into the process, I didn't beleive you could fall in love with a picture. We had been sent lots of pictures from agencies and they were adorable kids. When the photo of our little guy came up I knew he was the one! It has been a bumpy road, that has really tested our faith. We went on a visit trip that changed our lives! It is amazing that we have gotten so much out of this experience! As hard as it is at times, I am so glad we are part of it.

Our situation is a little different than most. We were watching our agencies photolisting while we were getting dossier ready. One day when we still were a few months away from being dossier ready I saw the cutest little baby. Chubby cheeks, and expressive eyes that seemed to say "pick me." We weren't ready to pick a referral yet, but I emailed the picture to my husband. He melted. But we both felt it was too early to pick a referral. So we watched and watched...figuring someone else would choose him. About a month before we were paper ready we KNEW we had to choose him. I had wanted a newborn referral...but we knew we would still wonder about this "other" little boy if we chose another baby. We did feel some sort of connection with him..but when we visited it became "real." I did not expect to feel an instant bond with him....but for us it was. As soon as we saw him we were in love!!!!!!!

I don't think I'd say it was an instant connection. I chose my daughter from a photolisting and there was something about her eyes that drew me to her. But once I held her and spent my visit trip with her, I knew instantly when they put her in my arms that she was mine...definitely felt a connection then.

I did not feel an instant connection to the pictures I got via email. Her name was the reason I knew she was my referal to accept and then that weekend when I got the video... I played it over and over and over ... and felt more of a connection with the wailing baby in the video! :p But honestly it took awhile before the "connection" turned into a true mother / daughter bond. It is normal!

I did not feel an instant connection or bond. In fact, I wasn't even sure if this was our child. My husband had to convince me that she was the child meant for our family. I kept looking at the photos and the video and I just didn't feel anything. But now, a year later from the date she came home, I can tell you that I cannot imagine my life without her. She is a true gift and I have NO DOUBT that she was the child meant for us. I truly bonded when she was first placed in my arms. Christie, Mom to Ana Maria

I was not prepared to fall in love instantly with the referral. I just thought that it would be another step in the process so was prepared to bond throughout the process as we learned more about her. Once we got the referral we fell in love instantly to a point that I was somewhat taken back by my emotions. She was beautiful and healthy and actually looked like my younger sister did as an infant. We have really become attached to her and have not yet met her. I am aware that there is a risk of a "lost referral", however, I cannot control how I feel toward her. We talk and think of her often each day. Should we lose the opportunity to adopt her I know I will always have a place in my heart for her.