I am an adult who was raised in an open adoption!!!

Dear Brandy,I am sorry if I have said anything that offends anyone. I will however say that many of the things I said have been said to me by people when I ask them if they would ever consider adopting. I know this is a sensitive subject for everyone on this forum and I am sincerely trying to be objective. I'm not trying to turn anyone off of the idea of adopting, but my opinions are based on my real life experiences. Do me a favor and specifically point out the generalizations I have made. Perhaps I do need to examine my viewpoints because I may be too close to the situation to be objective.Again it is not my intention to offend anyone. I only want to share my experiences to offer and gain something from the members of this forum.

Specifically thisYou didn't state that this is how you felt...you were making a statement like this is how it is for all in open adoption.It would have been better if you had owned your comment - if it felt that way for you, I'm sorry...but not everyone had that experience and for those that didn't it discounts their feelings and experiences.We just ask that members share from their own place - try not to speak for everyone, because its no possible and in the end, someone gets their feelings hurt. You didn't offend...I just wanted to make sure that, especially with a topic so emotional as adoption, you try to get your point across by expressing how it made you feel, rather than how open adoption *is* - because it just isn't that way for everyone!I hope that makes sense.

Dear DCMomLady,I think you probably understand my situation on a gut level. You are right. It is extremely isolating and confusing. It is a pain in the butt! There seems to be no one that basically understands what I go and have gone through. Still, I feel the situation will be less confusing for your family. Everyone involved is blood related. It might make a difference. I might not be having some of the problems I have if a blood relative had adopted me.All of this stuff is so painful!!!

Thank You for sharing Ferny.It is very interesting to hear of your experience.I was adopted in a closed adoption,but have raised an (adopted)child in an open adoption.

my bio-half sister was placed for adoption. I completely understand why she was raised in another household, as does she. We're both fine with this and we are great friends. It is not always confusing or bad....neither of us have had issues.

Thanks for replying so quickly.I think I understand the point you are making. I have met so few people with anything close to my situation, I have the tendency to feel as if I am having a unique situation. Are there actually people out there like me? Honestly, I am not for open adoption or surrogate motherhood. I would like to save anyone from experiencing anything like what I have gone through. I also understand realistically that it would could and probably does work for some people. However, it has been so disasterous for me, it is difficult to envision it working for others.I can't be anyone but myself. There are a lot of lessons in my story. Shall I call it a cautionary tale?Hope this helps you to understand. I truly mean the best to all of you.

Ferney First of all, I'm VERY interested in any open adoption stories.. however I do think that families are very complex thing, and no two are alike. What works for one may not work for another. If I was raised in a family with a distant father, an alcoholic mother....or, an abusive parent......or whatever horrible thing you wish to insert here...Would that be cause to caution people about raising children? Nah.... Some parents are crappy whether adoptive or biological. I can't read one story and think, oh well I guess they are ALL bad.

Dear Kakuehl,It is true that I am sane because I did not grow up with my bio family. Many people have agree with your opinion. Therapy helped too.You are right about this situation being both negative and positive. This situation has made me strong and determined. And I like it that way. Some one said to me once "If you were any tougher, your skin would be leather!!!" You can not be weak and deal with this situation. It's like the song says (A Boy Named Sue): "You had to get tough or die!" If I was not a strong willed person, I would be a criminal, crazy etc. It's not easy to deal with family that acts like mine does. I agree with you that the past does not have to ruin your future but it always has an effect. The regret about it, the feeling you are having an experience that no one can relate to. I believe in the NO reaction. Just say NO!!! NO to having your life ruined by whatever.I want to make sure I understand your situation. Are you adopted and your records sealed? If that is true does that have anything to do with your choosing to be a parent within an open adoption? How do you feel about sealed adoption records?Sincerely,Ferney

Ferney, One of the many things I've learned in my training and life as a pastor, is that NONE of us can truly say we understand how the other person feels. Even if I could say (and I can't) that I have experienced exactly the same things you haved, I am a different person, with different response and a different personality. No one can change what happened to you in the past; you are the only one who can decide what you're going to do with the "stuff" of your past. I appreciate your desire to share your experiences with open adoption. I hope you will also find people to laugh and cry with you and who will accept you as you are.

Ionni,Thanks for replying.How do feel about not being able to open your adoption records? Or do you live in a place that allows you to do so? I heard one state is letting adoptees open their records. How has it affected you, being adopted and deciding to adopt? Did people ever say things to you that made you feel bad about being adopted (they did that to me)? I bet your story is interesting. Share it with me.Ferney

[quote=Ferney]Dear Kakuehl, It is true that I am sane because I did not grow up with my bio family. Many people have agree with your opinion. Therapy helped too. You are right about this situation being both negative and positive. This situation has made me strong and determined. And I like it that way. Some one said to me once "If you were any tougher, your skin would be leather!!!" You can not be weak and deal with this situation. It's like the song says (A Boy Named Sue): "You had to get tough or die!" If I was not a strong willed person, I would be a criminal, crazy etc. It's not easy to deal with family that acts like mine does. I agree with you that the past does not have to ruin your future but it always has an effect. The regret about it, the feeling you are having an experience that no one can relate to. I believe in the NO reaction. Just say NO!!! NO to having your life ruined by whatever. I want to make sure I understand your situation. Are you adopted and your records sealed? If that is true does that have anything to do with your choosing to be a parent within an open adoption? How do you feel about sealed adoption records? Sincerely, Ferney[/quote] I am not an adoptee. I am a birth mother from a closed adoption. My frustration with sealed records is that when my birthson chose to look for me, he could get no information even though I had left a letter for him. (The agency that handled his adoption had closed.) I found D through this site about a year ago and since then I've posted all over the place when I find a thread that interests me. I don't really meet your criterion but I hope you won't kick me off.

You will find that posts critical of open adoption are labeled 'offensive' in this forum.

Hi Ferney, I too am interested in how open adoption compares to closed. Sorry that yours was painful and confusing for you. Mine was closed but in the early 90's I could access my records and met my birth mother when I was 30. It's still a painful experience for me too even tho I was raised by great parents. It's hard to reconcile to rejection no matter how hard every one around you tries to make you feel as tho you belong.

Hi Ferney, I am an adult adoptee of a closed adoption and also know people who are doing an open adoption. I would love to ask you some quesions reguarding how the openness with ** was done, your feelings towards both open and closed adoption, etc. Whatever you feel comfortable sharing would be wonderful. Thanks ~JJ

I have adoptive 2 girls. The simpliest way to explain is my husband and i adoptive his ex-wifes kids. He is not the father. My husband and his ex-wife divorce in '91 after having 2 kids together. She remarried and had 2 girls but divorce after thier father was charged with sexually molesting the oldiest girl. She later shot her boyfriend in 1/03 and is in jail till 12/09. The girls lived with their mother till they were 5 and 7. They do have contact with her now by cards on b-days and holidays only. In my opinion it is an open odoption but do most people think of open odoption when the kids are adopted at birth. Is that your case? How do u feel about them having limited contact with bmom? thanks for any help!!