My ex says I have problems? Any other adoptees get this?

Hi! I'm not relationship expert, but here are my thoughts...First off, you don't need to justify your feelings about being adopted to ANYONE, they are personal and different in all adoptees. You shouldn't feel forced into "getting over it" either. It's your own personal thing, you OWN it, and it sounds like he isn't all that supportive of what you are dealing with. I don't think we ever "get over" adoption - you may be more at peace with certain aspects of it as you grow with it, but it IS a part of you that you have acknowledged as a huge part of your life. You deserve a partner that will validate adoption as a huge part of your life. It isn't fair for your boyfriend to make you feel something is "wrong" with you because you want to talk about your adoption with him! Ultimately, you deserve a person who will be a good listener and be there for you when you need to let it out. You are "allowed" to talk about and deal with your adoption in YOUR way - and not feel like you are being "sensitive". It's unfortunate that we as adoptees also get saddled with the "has issues" label by other people outside of adoption. But I think we've all seen some of that. You're not alone!:grouphug:

Hi...I am sorry to hear you were in a relationship in which your feelings and personality were not validated. You don't need to be anything different from who you are. Being an adoptee is unique and comes with its own ingredients for everyone. You should not have to change who you are or get over being adopted...it is a part of you...I hope you are able to be with friends and family who love and appreciate you as a whole person. I hope you are able to find a special person in your life who will also appreciate and support who you are...

HI!!! I am certainly no relationship expert myself. And I can only speak from my experiences. Let me start off by saying, whether you have issues stemming from your adoption or not, ur ex is certainly not a person to judge you. If anything he should be understanding and sympathetic. I can say for myself, I always went thru life believing that I didn't have any issues with my adoption. And I truely believed that. People would ask me about my adoption and I had no problem giving them any and all answers they wanted. I figured, "I'm adopted, so what?" It wasn't until I met my bmom this past May that I realized I had been fooling myself all along. It seemed to me that I had "dealt" with so much pain my whole life, knowing my "story" that I just didn't have time to deal with the anger I felt or acknowledge that my relationships were suffering do to my lack of interest in "dealing". I'm not saying that's the case for you. But when I met my bmom, all the anger and pain I had stuffed so deep inside had surfaced. Upon talking to my aparents (whom were VERY supportive of my search) I realized that the pent up anger and pain, had in fact affected ALL of my relationships as well as the choices I made as to whom I had a relationship with. What I am trying to say is that your post sounds very much like I felt all my life up until May. Regardless of what your ex may think, issues don't really mean much. The fact that it is luming over your head and you came here to post makes me wonder if you may agree with him deep down inside? All in all, he has no right to judge you or even use your adoption as an excuse for acting like that. It's YOUR issue, for YOU to deal with in YOUR time. People can either understand and except that or not. Also, don't think that because someone said THEY thought you had issues about something that that means it's true. Only YOU truely know how you feel about your adoption. Only you can fix whatever problems you have with it, and you get to decide if YOU believe there are issues. Good Luck.:flower:

Hi,

First let me say that I'm not adopted but I have been in a couple relationships. To me it sounded like your ex was a bit immature and almost like he was looking for something to fight with you about.

As far as you taking it "too personally", well, how else could you take it? You were in a relationship with him I suspect you used to value his opinion (maybe you still do). However unless he's a licensed psychologist he was just giving you an opinion and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it.

All the best :)

Dawn

I've had one failed marriage and I'm on my second failing marriage. At 42 I've been to more therapists and on more anti depressants than I can count however no one ever mention adoption might be the core issue. I stumbled upon a new therapist and a book that explains everthing. I strongly recommend it for all adult adoptees. The name of the book is The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. If you google Primal Wound you can read her thesis and get alot from tha alone. My heart goes out to you and i hope you find some resolve.

I want to say I sympathise. I agree with many of these replies.I was once told by a man that he 'didn't want his son to be as messed up as me' (I use polite words for swear words).Some people can be incredibly cruel.It is incredibly insensitive for your ex to say 'you have problems'. I have had counselling and I sometimes spoke to this man about issues I am worried about concerning adoption. For someone to turn it back on ourselves when we are already trying to deal with issues is bad.I have a lot of self doubt.I'm sure you can be with someone who builds you up, instead of constantly criticising you.mealden1 thanks for being so honest, it helped me.