response to birth mother's request for openness when it was suggested we don't

Does birth mom write directly to you? or does it go thru guardian ad litem or some other agency? Please tell me birth mom does not have your full name and address. We agreed to a "semi" open adoption for our adopted son. He was five when he came to us, removed from birthmom a little before he turned 4. However, she never followd thru with her yearly visits, has never sent birthday or christmas gifts. Regardless of what you do at this point it is likely that birthmom will view you in a negative light. Especially if her parental rights were terminated. It is easier for her to blame you than take responsibility for her own actions. At this point I would write up exactly what you are willing to do (send pictures and update X times a year, etc). Let her know that you will not be having any physical contact at this time. He is your son. Your son will know better when she speaks negatively about you when he is older and actually meets her because if has known you his whole life.

Do you have an open adoption agreement? If so, I would refer to this. If not, I would put into words exactly what was verbally agreed upon and let her know that you are infact sticking to what you had said. I agree that no matter how you approach it, because her rights were terminated she will regard it in a negative light. Most birth parents who have their rights terminated do not agree with this and will point to everyone besides themselves as to why "they" did this to them. It is very sad and I am not sure it does not have to deal with the typical drug use, history of broken homes, and/or low sense of self. BUT, I think it is important to stick to what you said until it is more comfortable to you. As I was told, it is easier to open a door that has been closed than to close a door that has been opened. Best of luck!

Birth mom has our last name, and I am pretty sure she knows our first names too, but she doesn't have our address or phone numbers (we've gone through some minor efforts to make sure they would be difficult to find, as we feel slightly threatened by her). She was sending letters through an intermediary, but they recently decided that they did not want to continue, so we are looking for a new alternative (any suggestions?) I feel that it may just be better not to give her a way to contact us, since her letters have generally been hostile and negative, but then I wonder when she moves next time, how we would know where to send our letters and pictures. We do have her address, so we have generally mailed directly to her (because she complained about not getting mail we sent through social services in the past) with no return address and from a zip code different than ours. This was technically supposed to be a closed adoption. There was no formal agreement on any communication - only our verbal agreement to birth mom at one of the times we met to send letters and photos a couple times a year - which our lawyer told us after the finalization that we didn't have to honor (although we intend to as long as we have an address for her). Social services told us that their official stance is that once our son is 18, there is a department that will help him locate birth mom if he wants to, and legally that is all they are allowed to do.

Dad2-5, it sounds like it is time to stop the two way communication. her letters have generally been hostile and negative, sounds like she is more interested in venting her anger thanin maintaining any type of relationship. Since you have an address for her you could continue to send pictures and updates w/o getting anything back from her. You may want to explain in a letter that this is what you feel is in the best interest of you child(ren), and that if she moves and wants to continue to receive pictures she can ask the social services department to forward her new address to you. This puts all responsibility on her shoulders. We found that when E's birthmom had to make the effort herself for contact she didn't follow thru. There is no reason for you to continue to receive mail from her is she is only interested in venting her anger. As long as you have her full name, past address, there will be ways for your children to find her when they are older.

If you do continue to receive mail from her, and don't have an intermediary, get a PO Box at a post office not that close to your home.

You can't have it both ways, either you need to put up with her BS and maintain a realtionship or cut her off. YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH!! She has proven that she is not a fit person by the very fact that she had her children taken away. She has proven she is unrealiable by not being able to complete her plan. Why are you expecting her to act normal now??? WHY??? No matter what you do, you will be the bad guy because YOU TOOK HER CHILD!!! I know that isn't the reality but in her mind it is the truth. Nothing short of giving her the child back will satisfy her. It is more phone calls and letters this time, it will then be visits, then overnight visits.....again nothing short of full access will satisfy her. I really don't understand why people want to continue to foster realtionship with people that are clearly unhealthy for their children to be around. The child knows your family and unless he is longing for mom now, I don't believe he will be longing for her in the future. With all of the information available in the world today, and there will be even more in 15 years, your son will be able to find her if he wants when he is older. So, this argument doesn't really hold water as a reason to maintain the realtionship. Medical testing is advancing so we really don't need medical histories. I am 44 and have never needed the medical history of my family up until now. So this argument is way overrated. I think the truth is that you don't want to do the wrong thing so you are the one holding on. This isn't about the child it is about you. It is really hard to admit that. It is also very hard being the judge who finally rules to cut off the mom. I know I have been there and had to make this very decision. It is a very hard thing to do. I wanted to make sure this was the right decision. But the truth is that we will never know if it was the right decision until it is way too late to fix it. I decided to cut the parents off based primarily on these two facts: 1. nothing short of getting their children back would ever really satisfy them and 2. My parents were violent drug users and I wanted to protect myself and my new family. Protect yourselves and your family and have the courage to cut her off.

I also use a p.o. box. Our son's birth mother has my cell phone number, but that is it. We send pictures and I call once in a while to let her know how the boys are doing. She always asks for a visit. I just tell her that at this time I do not feel that it is in their best interest. I do tell her that when they are old enough, they may choose to visit and I would arrange it then.Good Luck with what ever you decided,Happy123

Our adoption is closed for several reasons but I set up a hotmail email address with no identifying information and gave it to the bio-mom. That way she can write if she wants to and I will save her messages for my son. However, because of her history, we weren't comfortable with anything else.