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I found my birthmother 6 years ago. We had a strong beginning then my amom got upset about us meeting face to face- so I delayed the meeting. I have since had 2 kids and recently decided I wanted/needed more of a relationship with my biomom. She has always been on my mind tho I only call her every couple of months.
So starting in August I let her know of my wants and she was very on board.
She has no other children. She gave up a son 4 years prior to me.
Anyhow- I met her- she came on November 6th. I picked her up and it was amazing. We were not emotional the first night and day- but Tuesday night was highly emotional and healing. It was amazing.
We had a GREAT day Wednesday( I thought)
Then she started acting weird and got mad at my son who is 3 and in a spica cast for a broken leg and being whiny.
She got really mad at me and started yelling at me when I tried to talk to her. Told me how spoiled and selfish I was. I was a whiny ..... lots of bad words. She said she was leaving- she was supposed to be here for 5 more days.
She is supposed to be here now.
It was/is AWFUL.
She was very different and a bit scary- quite scary- so I got my husband and left. He took her to the bus- while on the ride she apologized to him and he said she needed to talk to me about it and she said she would call me. She hasn't.
I spoke to her boyfriend and he said that she does this often to him but he could not imagine her treating me this way. he thinks it may be her alcoholism or drug use.
She did not bring her drugs to my house. Maybe she thought she could handle it and not?
How do I make sense of this? What do I do? I wrote her a letter telling her how special our cisit was to me and i would forever cherish the time.
How do I recover from this? I was worried she would hurt my feelings and she said she would never not like me- she loved me- she would never think anything I did was bad. She told me I was a bad wife, mother, person etc.
AWFUL.
I am heartbroken.
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Dear Emilie, I'm so sorry this happened to you. From what you say, it sounds to me like your bmom has issues that have nothing to do with you. This is her problem not yours! If she has addiction problems, she may have been going through withdrawal at that point and, like a wounded animal, lashed out in pain at those around her. It truly sounds like you did nothing that would lead to her outburst, except maybe have a good time with her. I have known of people who don't think they deserve happiness and destroy any relationship that is positive because they are sure it will end badly. I once had a friend who would pick a fight every time he had to leave, for college, for the military, etc. It was as if he couldn't leave with things going well. It may help you deal with the negative stuff she said if you think of it as symptoms of her pain and illness, not what she thinks or believes about you and your family.
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Don't feel sad. It's up to her to contact you and apologize. If she has drug problems then she definitely hit some kind of limit and lashed out at you, and now is probably embarrassed about it and guilty. For adoptees like us we will quickly blame ourselves that it went wrong. Just keep in mind you have children that love you and a family; your bmom has been a small part of your life. Anyway, I bet she will contact you again if you wait.
emilie, as a birthmother in reunion, your story breaks my heart.
i just want to encourage you to read the post "reunion socialization" and all the responses to that thread-- it has really helped me...i had a fairytale reunion and am simply falling to pieces anyway...i had NO IDEA that all reunions involve incredible emotional responses no matter how well they go, and in your case, it was a rough time, so that certainly cant help. it may help explain some of her behavior although it's probably impossible to tell what role drugs/lack of drugs played. i think it is very clear that your bmom has some issues she unfortunately took out on you...but that makes her decision to adopt you all those years ago that much more beautiful, as she clearly couldn't provide stable parenting to you and wanted more for you.
there is nothing to say to take this hurt away, and it is always best to experience your true feelings, good and bad, so go ahead a be sad and keep writing for support. that is what people are telling me to do and i am doing it and i hope for both of us it helps!!!!
best of luck to you, my thoughts are with you
vj
Yes, I agree with all the others... it's very sad,your moms nerves & stress level were on a raw edge being that she has an addiction to both A & D 's and maybe was not getting in her system what she was used to getting at home....the extra stress(emotions) sent her over the edge. but it could have been anyone there... don't take it personally, as it really had nothing to do with "you". It was her system craving that which she was doing without. it was not at you as a person, and not you as a daughter. please believe that. it was not you !I know that does not make it any better, what you went through.......but maybe less personal ??? Alanon meetings may help you to understand, cope with and not become overwhelmed with situations such as this, it's for "the families" of those suffering with D & A problems and helps you to know how to deal with it, without enabling it in the future.it seems like we all have someone in our family that has these types of problems....it seems to be everywhere, so teaching our children about it seems to be a very important step.
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