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Hi all, This is going to be long, i am simply letting it all out. I am so happy i have found this site, i have looked in the past but i could not find anything where i could speak and relate to other adoptees.
Anyway, i am 17 years of age. I was adopted from an orphange in Poland by 2 lovely people, who i love very much.
I have been given an amazing life. I go to an exlusive private school and live in one of wealthiest suburbs in Australia, i am spoilt and adored by my parents but i cant help thinking that this life was never intended for me.
I have faced a number of issues so far in my life, including severe depression. All these issues i have delt with alone. I am proud to say that i beat depression on my own, without talking to anyone. That part of me no longer controls my life but it will always be a part of who i am.
I believe that my depression, that lasted for 4 years, was a result of being adopted. The lonliness i have felt in my teenage years hurts so much emotionally that i can feel it physically.
I have friends.... but i dont have 'best friends' or 'close friends' because i dont let them in, i dont let them discover who i really am, and how truelly sad i am.
I have been in a 2 year relationship and i really love this guy. It has not been easy, and i have not until recently let him in. It has not been easy in the way that we fight and its always because of me.
He is a wonderful guy, he has given me so much love, but i struggle so much because im scared il lose him (which i may have... since friday night). I have never been loved like this by anyone, sure my adopted parents love me, but that is a love that in a sense is to be expected.
About a month ago i let him in.... i was scared as i had fallen back into an extremely depressed mood for no reason and it was lasting too long. So i told him... and i got the most... it just wasnt the type of response i wanted.... he cared... but he didnt as well.... he was at the end of the conversation 'is that all?'. IS THAT ALL?
Why should i tell anyone ever again? After pouring my whole struggle with life out.... i got a 'is that all?'. He didnt understand it at all. I should have realised that most people wont and never will.
So now, we havent spoke in a few days, we had a huge fight and he ended up walking away from me. We havent spoken since.
And i love him, and i cant lose him, because if i lose him im going to be even more lonely, constantly lonely. But i think im going to and im so scared.
So as i go into my last year of school where your life basically depends on getting the top marks so that you will be able to go to university and do well in the world.... i am struggling. And school is a whole different issue.
I feel as if i have been given this amazing opportunity and therfore i need to take full advanage of this education that i have been given. I am lucky. I feel as if i need to do the best i can, or i am a failure. And i try so hard, but somtimes its hard to keep going. No matter how hard i work, i get dissapointed (just like how people always let me down). I'm below average in my studys and it just hurts so much. What if i screw this opportunity up and cant go to university, then where does that leave me? no where.
Anyway, there is so much more, but im too sad about my boyfriend right now to keep going. Like i mentioned before i am so happy to have found this forum, it is such a relief.
And if you have read this post, thank you for reading it.
Phoebe
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I am so sorry to hear you are in such pain. Adoption may have given you a wonderful life, but you have also lost some things too... the opportunity to be raised in your family of origin... to grow up knowing who you look like, who you act like, where you get your talents... you have lost your country, the sights, smells and sounds of the world you were born into... these are all losses that need to be processed and grieved. Some are able to do this alone, others need a helping hand. Have you ever gone to an adoptee support group? Or thought about getting counseling? There's no shame in either one. All counseling is, is the opportunity to learn more about yourself and change the things you do not like about yourself. (Like pushing the ones you love away.) You don't have to spend the rest of your life an arms length away from everyone you care about.
Just a few thoughts.....
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I'm sorry to hear about all the things you've been going through. I also have suffered with depression since I was in my early teens and I am 33 now.I saw a therapist from the time I was 13-17. It helped. However, I always had that sadness and hopeless feeling. Finally, it was suggested that I try an antidepressant. Within two weeks life was completely different. I commend you for trying to deal with it on your own. However, it is a very tough and potentially dangerous road. You're right, you may be depressed because you're adopted. But, have you ever thought that maybe your depression was inherited from your biological mother or father? I know the pain and isolation you're going through right now. I don't know if there's is a lot of stigma in Australia surrounding people who seek treatment for depression or other mental health issues. But, please consider speaking with a mental health counselor. They may recommend ongoing counseling, medication, or a combination of both. They could (at the very least) give you some insight into your depression. They could also help you begin building a happier life. Medication is by no means a "cure-all" (in addition, every medication has some side effects). There will always be pain, heartache, and tough issues to deal with. However, it can make dealing with these issues easier. Medication and therapy may not be for you. But, it may not hurt looking into them. Remember, there's no reason to be ashamed about seeking help. If someone has diabetes, does society look down on them for seeking treatment and taking medication? I hope not! I wish you the best! Stay strong! Beth P.S. Here's a little flower to help brighten your day! :flower:
I'm not adopted (trying to adopt) but I struggled with depression my whole life and also with boyrfriends I was in love with and maybe 'scared away' with my depression and "differentness". I am not sure you will able to hear this now but I was such a mess I screwed up my grades and regretted it because now at 41 I am not where I want to be. I was wondering just for the sake of your future, if you could maybe join a support group right now....maybe even stay on these boards, write as much and as often as you want, get your feelings out and organize your life in a way that you can keep your grades up. If you were able to feel this kind of relationship once (even if you guys get back together) it means you ARE capable of being in a relationship maybe just not now while you are struggling so much. Please get all the support you can this last year. Your marks will effect you the rest of you life...boyfriends, men.....they are great but the most important thing is you succeeding, loving yourself and being self-reliant. I know I sound soooo preachy but if you were my daughter I would be saying this because I had soooo many boyfriends and so much drama and I was so smart and basically blew it. good luck, you sound like a great girl. You can PM me if you want. I really do know the feeling you have now, it takes over everything! Love, Gwenn
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Just let me know what I can do to help. I have found all of my family and it is a great thing. It is also a hear thing to do and remember what things matter and what things to avoid. I would love to help.
BriantConroy@optonline.net
It's so hard being 17 under the best of circumstances. The other posts offer good suggestions. I'm glad you found this forum to pour out so much of what you have inside. Use all resources available to you to help you. It sounds like you have felt isolated all your life and when you tried to share this feeling with your boyfriend he was not equiped to deal with a topic he probably knew nothing about...don't be too harsh on yourself. Or him. But if he can't see the importance of this to you, then what does he see as important to you?
I recall my early adulthood years as difficult trying to deal with my adoption. there where no easy answers. But I wish I had a forum like this so I could reach out to others that know what we are going through. You ( I/We) are not alone. If there's anything I can to do help you with this journey, please let me know.
Even the best of guys, who care very deeply, cannot be expected, at 17 yrs old, to understand complex adoption issues. You deserve understanding and support for this, but please don't look to your boyfriend for it. He cannot comprehend it, or fix it which means it's just like a foreign language to him- it doesn't compute. Talk to your parents, or close friends or even better a therapist who specializes in adoption issues. Don't let one bad response shut you down. Your life is about YOU growing and becoming fully YOURSELF and finding your life- not about hoping a boy will meet your expectations or fill your needs. Get the help you need from someone who can give it to you. Someone with the wisdom, maturity and experience to guide you through to peace with yourself and your life.