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This is our first holiday season after finalization. Last year the birthfamily bought a few gifts, appropriate, mostly dollar store items, but not overkill. This year - it is OUT OF CONTROL. This is a PARTIAL list For both:Cash RegisterKitichen cleaning setcookware/ utensilskitchen food setMy little pet shop game2 DVD movies For C:Three little poniescabbage patchpolly pocket carsBarbie Fashion FeverHolly Hobbie littlest pet shop animalspencils For S:Little pet shop animalscabbage patchpolly pocket carsLittlest Pet shop - Hamster playgroundBarbie Fashion FeverHolly Hobbie pencils HELP!We are scheduled to see their birthmom on Christmas Eve. I don't want to be selfish but I almost feel like with all of those gifts on Christmas eve, Christmas day will be a let down My mom says to tell their birthmom no - (which I am good at telling my mom) but I just don't know what to do.
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When first discussing Christmas with bmom, did you give her any limits? Honestly, what she got seems like a normal size Christmas list. It may seem like a lot in number, but for the most part, they are inexpensive gifts-nothing over the top. The ponies and little petshop items, are all under 5.00 each. Bmom knows, that she messed up, that she really can't do anything for her kids. She probably sees buying them gifts at Christmas, as being the only thing she can do right. If your family chooses to set limits on Christmas gifts, as I know that some people do, that should have been communicated to her. I don't really know what you can do now.
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No, I didn't set limits I didn't ever consider that things would get this out of control. What kind of limits do people set? I know if I say one gift we are going to see big $ items, and I have no clue how to set an appropriate dollar limit. I know my family spends about $20-$30 each . . . How do I do it so I am not the 'evil' adoptive mom 10 years down the line? I don't want the relationship with their birthmom to become a problem either. Diane
Have the girls seen the gifts yet? Or know about them?
If not, maybe you can talk with the bmom and just tell her while you appreciate it and know how important it is, you feel it's too much? Maybe ask if she would be okay with spreading it out for xmas, birthdays & Easter baskets?
It's a tough spot...because on one hand, it's great that she's involved with them etc. and on the other hand, you have guidelines and other considerations.
If this doesn't work out, if she's adamant that it all be for xmas, since you hadn't had guidelines set in place yet, you might consider letting the girls have everything this year and then for next gift giving time, set up some guidelines beforehand.
Another idea...they don't have to open everything on Xmas eve. You could let them open 3 things that night and then hold the rest for Xmas day when they open everything else? That way there isn't a "let down".
The girls don't know I have nicely asked her to hold some gifts for birthday's / other holidays and she said no She called again this morning and asked about buying them clothes too, I said no. She seems stuck on them opening the gifts in front of her, but some are coming from her dad too, so I am thinking I may be able to convince her to let us hold those till Christmas morning. Otherwise it looks like I am going to have to suck it up for this holiday, and have a sit down with her first of the year.
I think you ought to put your foot down--gently.
I would mention, "you are so kind to want to bless the kids with so many things, but I really need you to limit the gifts to 3 (example) each for Christmas and birthdays only. Too many gifts become way too overwhelming and make it difficult for them to appreciate other things they're getting."
I wouldn't set a dollar amount unless the gifts were getting outrageously extravegant for a child. No ponies or 2 carat diamond earrings lol. You aren't a mean mom for putting your foot down; you're a good mom because you are raising children to be appreciative and not spoiled. :)
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Thanks, I did put my foot down at 1-2 gifts, total value of $40, and was told that I was ruining the holidays. The gifts from other family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, max at $30 so I thought that was a fair number) I did tell their birthmom that any $ amount over that she wanted to go towards the girls we would be happy to put in the Money Market accounts. I think I am just at one of those points where nothing I say to their birthmom will be ok. But I emphasized to her that I need to do what is best for the girls
I didn't set limits, and right now am trying to find places to put all this stuff in my small home. The cw is coming to visit TODAY! The last time the lw was here she commented on all the toys(and laundry that was sorted and waiting to go thru, geesh - where's my housekeeper when I need her??) That is way too much stuff, what they get their children when their children live WITH them is completely different than what they get them when they do not live with them. If they could do anything they wanted, well I guess they would still have their kids, would'nt they? Sounds a bit harsh, but I am tired of doing more and putting out more efforts for visits than than the kids family does!!!!
My variation of this is that I have a couple of jealous bio daughters, right now! We went to Disney World right before Christmas, so that was really the "main" Christmas gift. Despite that, I still spent about $75-100 on each of the three kids. Then foster son goes to visit his bios, and he comes home with: Mp3 player, stereo, cell phone, a stack of DVD's and video games and various other little things. Both my daughters are looking at this, and asking why the heck *I* bought him anything, even when he wasn't going to be here on Christmas Day. And he didn't buy anything for them (they bought for him) so they are more than a little resentful right now.
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I have not been in your situation... yet. This year bmom promised a lot but came through with nothing so I was scrabbling at the last minute to finish the list ( I had given her a few things fc wanted). I think setting a limit on money and amount is a very good idea. We have always had a $ amount we spend on each family member so I do not thing that is odd or mean at all. I also think that it is important to consider what fc will receive from biofamily when buying for our own children - we learned this the hard way.I have a question for Diane: Did you have an open adoption? You said that you finalized - I'm thinking that means adopted. If so, how is the open adoption going other than the above?
Remember all that stuff they insisted on giving at Christmas??? It is now sitting in the middle of my living room, no time, no room to get this stuff when they picked up the kids. I made the mistake of letting Gma pick them up at my house. From now on I will be clear on what they are allowed to be given. The entire kit and kaboodle will have to fit in my trunk!
wow,thanks you guys for bringing this to my attention.my fson got several gifts for his bsis,bmom and her (friend).he got these during a visit with bsis.after he came home he could not tell who gave him what.well this was before tpr hearing.bdad was tpr and bmom signed relinquishment at the last moment.I really think i will say one small gift for christmas and bdays.we will be adopting him soon.we will be his family and will give him gifts and so will other members of our family.i think what bfamiles need to know is that you are the parents now and you make all decisions regarding your child.this is just my feelings on the subject.nanab
It is too late for this Christmas, but I used to tell my girls that Jesus got three gifts at Christmas and they shouldn't expect more than Jesus got! If they are young, the "dollar-value" won't matter. My 4-year-old got battery-powered cars from his b-mather and a complete track and train set from his b-mother. What does he love the most? A $5.00 6-inch tall stuffed Diego (Dora the Explorer's cousin) that I put in his stocking. He takes Diego to bed every night!
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neema.arezo
I have a question for Diane: Did you have an open adoption? You said that you finalized - I'm thinking that means adopted. If so, how is the open adoption going other than the above?
General update so others can consider what they may want to do in their cases. Birthmom showed up with four of the large black trashbags full of gifts. Many, many of which just purchased so they could open 'stuff' not things they wanted or could even use (like the oldest has a metal allergy and can only wear gold, birthmom got her dollar store earrings). In the days after Christmas I started slowly packing away things that were still in their packages and the girls had shown no interest in. I have 2 large bags in my closet. As they need something to hold their interest, or time is appropriate I will pull things out gradually. My 6 yr old went into major overload / meltdown. She hadn't had any tantrums or serious behvioral issues in months. I would just now say she is starting to be her old 'self'.