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I am about to finalize my adoption with my 10 month old daughter whose mother has an 18 year old that has aged out of the system and is in and out of jail. Initially before TPR I was supposed to have visits with the sister, but she refused and wanted nothing to do with Aria. Now that she is out of jail she asked about her sib visits as her mother lied to her and told her that she was with family members. When the sister asked about visits her SW who is the same SW for Aria told her that she was going into a closed adoption and it was too late. She then started to cry. It was now up to me to decide if I want Aria to visit with her sister. Ok quick background as I am now assured that NOTHING will jeapordize our adoption I can share a little more. Aria's bmom is a homeless drug addict who is a lot of trouble with the law, she has an 18 year old who also is in a lot of trouble with the law. Aria has been raised in a very loving home and has NEVER experienced the side of the world she was born into. She knows nothing about abuse or drugs or illegal activity and we were almost home free cause her sister didn't want to see her. Now that she does....I am torn. I want Aria to know about her family and her roots and I feel aweful for her sister who was never adopted, but I worry about exposing Aria and myself to this side of the world. Her sister still has contact with her mother and that scares me a little since she lies so much. Also her sister was never adopted and I know she resents me for adopting Aria.... :-( Also to be frank....I know this is horrible and I appreciate Aria's mother giving birth to Aria....I REALLY DO.....but she looks homeless, she is toothless, drugged out and not groomed, I worry that if Aria is too exposed to that world, she....I don't know....I think it would be really hard to see a toothless homeless woman on the street who is stung out on crack and say....honey, that's your mother, that's where you came from. I just want Aria....who is really beautiful, to believe in Princesses and fairytales and have a sparkly pony...and just not have to face that....but I guess that would be running from the truth. HELP!!!!!! What would you do in this situation. I already said "yes" to visits....but how much????? How does this work. The visits will only be with the sister, but I know the sister still has frequent contact with her mother. I want Aria to be able to know someone that shares her blood and I want her to ask the questions about her mother one day. She is also really little and I am having to make these choices for her, hoping she will want to know all this in the future. Yet my heart aches for her sister and I feel so terrible for her, Maybe I can help. Please all members of the triad let me know your thoughts....I really need the help. Thanks :-)
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I tried to erase this post but the servers where down. I just talked with my social worker from my agency and they will be mediating the visits and will be making the initial contact. That makes me feel much better, that way if her sister is ok :-) then we will have visits at the agency, however if she needs more time to get...um her life together, she will be able to contact in the future. That makes me feel much better. :-)
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at the risk of sounding cold here I myself would not allow the visits. you already have the tpr and are about to finalize the adoption so the choice is yours. I would not want my child to see that kind of stuff even at this young age. I think the 18 yr old sister just wants to see who has her little sister. It is a sad situation to say the least. My heart and prayers are with you during this decision.
If it were me, I would make sure I had all the information that would help my daughter find her biological mother and sister when she is older, and then keep them as far away from her as possible. If they want to see how well she is doing, send a photograph through the case worker. What possible good can come to your daughter by having visits with her "sister" at this point? It would be confusing, and have no real meaning. When sister has her life pulled together and your daughter is old enough to really understand, visits may make sense, but all it serves now is a way for adults to feel less guilt.
Here's my thoughts, she is young so she will not remember that life. SHe will fantasize about it and have this wonderful story built in her head and be extremely disappointed when she does go find them. I completely understand wanting to protect her from their way of life but you are doing that by adopting her. They are her family, too, and like it or not she will have an interest in them. It could be just to see them or more. You are talking about a supervised visit with someone that has not harmed her and it gives you the opportunity to have pictures and memories for her. I would be leary of continued contact due to RAD dx and never let them know where you live or your last name but what harm is a supervised visit with her sister? I can assure you that when you described her mother's looks, you described my children's mother and they could not care less how she looks. I don't blame you for not wanting to drag a bunch of crap in your life but I just don't see what the harm is in a simple supervised visit. Maybe more, maybe not but at least you could have the chance to get more of the family history for Aria.
I absolutely agree. I have been thinking this over and I will definitely do the supervised visit. And probably more supervised visits or some kind of ongoing contact....pictures etc. I don't want to miss the chance for Aria to know who her birth family is. I don't want to have to stand in front of her one day and tell her that I passed up the chance for her to know someone in her family. So for that reason I will have the visit and if it goes well we will create an open plan for her bsister. But I agree about not letting them know my adress or last name and my sister is coming with me which will be nice. So here's hoping it all goes well. Thank you all for your advice and support I really needed it.
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Do you have anyone outside the family meeting you there also to mediate? A GAL or someone from the state? There are people that do just that for a living. It may not be a bad idea to have a third party along for supervision. You don't know how things will go, and you don't want to get into any sitiations you can't handle.