open or not?

I was sorta in that situation because my son's bps were going to fight in court and then were told by their respective attorneys to relinquish in order to get visitation. I agreed to 4 visits per year (so far the bmom has missed 3 and the bfather only missed 1). It depends upon the relationship with the bmom. My son's bps are harmless, just clueless about raising a child and what it takes financially/emotionally. I felt that someday my son would want to know his bios so I decided I was okay with the visits. It's been okay so far. It's in the mediation agreement that if either bparent loses contact with me for a year then I don't have to honor the agreement. We're coming up on that year for the bmom... You just need to be comfortable with your decision. She may just be happy with pictures/letters and not even mention visits. Good Luck!

My experience went abotu the same as everyone else's that I've ever heard of....there's quite a lot of contact at first, and then biomom disappears. In our case, it took 18 months for biomom to have another kid, abandon that kid, and then drop out of sight.I'd say, you have nothing to lose by agreeing to letters and photos via a P.O. Box. My guess is that biomom will send a letter or two and then fade away.

My experience went abotu the same as everyone else's that I've ever heard of....there's quite a lot of contact at first, and then biomom disappears. In our case, it took 18 months for biomom to have another kid, abandon that kid, and then drop out of sight.I'd say, you have nothing to lose by agreeing to letters and photos via a P.O. Box. My guess is that biomom will send a letter or two and then fade away.

We agreed to continue visits with birthmom & birthdad (they are divorced) after we adopted 2 of their children thru foster care. Mom has gone on to have 3 more children & is pregnant with #4. Contact was frequent at first & they even have our home address & phone number. They each live in a different city about an hour away from us. It's become increasingly difficult for our 7 year old mildly autistic, ADHD, bipolar son to understand why they call sometimes & sometimes they don't. The adoption has been final about a year and a half now. Mom didn't call on Christmas or either child's birthday this year. Dad called on Christmas but said he didn't want to talk to the kids, just wanted to "check on them". We have decided we are DONE! It's too confusing for the children to try to explain why they call or don't call, etc. Next time they call I will explain we are DONE b/c they failed to have any consistancy in what they were doing (we've discussed this with them before). I'm sure they will be very angry but we're trying to do what is best for the children & I believe this is what is best right now. We'll see. Good luck with your decision.

I have found that in a foster/adopt situation that the open agreements actually lean toward giving the a-parents quite a bit of control of the situation as far as calling the shots etc. Depending on how comfortable you are with the relationship you can then increase or decrease contact. With us a visit is over if the b-parent shows up intoxicated or high, or is in any way disrespectful of our role as our son's parents. Our visits are currently 2 x per year.

Be really, really careful about what you sign. Make sure you don't have to have contact if she's not sober, if she drops off the face of the planet for long periods of time, or if she's involved in any violent or dangerous behavior. Make sure visits are with HER ONLY.If you agree to letters/pictures, either set up an email account for her to contact or get a P.O. box. Don't give your address.Good luck! Openness can work, but it's easier to promise little and open it up as you go than to do the reverse.

Nanab, we signed a limited open adoption agreement. We agreed tosend pictures twice a year (Christmas and around Spring) and one face to face visit a year. Everything was to go through the guardian ad litems office. After E was placed with us, beofre adoption, we had one visit so that he could meet his new baby sister. Even though he had only been with us a month at that point he was calling me Mom, and obviously much more attached to me than her. I had agreed to the visit before she had signed the relinquishment. But when it came time for the visit it was arranged in less than a day. I let the GAL know that future visits would have to be as the plan stated, arranged at least two weeks in advance. 5 months later I sent pictures. At that point she called the GAL, who contacted me with her request to change her visitation from August to his birthday in September - his actual birthday! I said no, it would need to be in August, prior to him starting school because I didn't want any distractions when he was just starting kindergarten, and as for his birthday, he would spend it with us. August came, and we heard nothing till about the 22nd. Then the GAL contacted us and said she wanted to set a visit. It was in the agreement that the visit would have to be supervised. Because she waited till the last minute to try to schedule she could not get the volunteer supervisor, so would have to pay. Again she tried to change it to his birthday, and again we refused. Anyway, the visit never happened, and we have never heard anything since then. The baby girl was removed at five months (I was actually called to see if we wanted the baby). At this point she is off the "radar". I suspect that she may have gotten pregnant again and left the state. I pray that if that is the case the baby is safe and receiving better care than E got with her. Anyway, guess my advice would be to go ahead and agree to "open" but set your limits, and have all contact go through a third party.

Be sure to only agree to what you can live with for the next dozen years or so. Also check on the adoption laws in your state re: contractual agreements. In my state adoption contact agreements are legally binding and you can be sued in civil court for breach of contract if you fail to keep your end of the contract for whatever reason. Not that one shouldn't make a contract, but just to be careful to only contractually agree to what you can maintain for years. It's also good to have some clause included that covers parental sobriety during visits/phone contact, and something regarding the child's changing emotional needs (to cover the possibility of the child having a rough patch and needing to suspend some forms of contact for a time per a psychiatrist's recommendation).

As an adopted adult, I know I would not have benefited from an open adoption but it does depend on the situation the child has been in... If the bp has abused or neglected the child I would say NO but if the TPR is for other reasons I would have to consider those on an individual basis. You might want to read the posts in this thread: (This is not the first page.)[url]http://forums.adoption.com/fostered-adults/262401-you-happy-you-were-taken-your-birthfamily-5.html#post1662866[/url]

thanks everyone for your input.it looks like we wont have to decide about contact.birthmom has moved again,so her lawyer will not be talking with her about signing,we have tpr hearing next week.i have to think everything happens for a reason.i was unsure about the contact.so i have to trust that the man upstairs knows what is best for this child.so now there will be no contact with bparents.he does have contact with a sib,and would like contact with other sibs.has also asked about cousins that live in another state with his aunt.so we may have some contact with sibs and aunt,i know we just need to take it one day at a time and only do it if it is in his best interest.keep us in your thoughts and prayers,jan 9th is hearing for tpr. nanab

I agree. We did mediation and I regret it in so many ways. We are constantly reminded (in a negative way) of our son's adoption. We also have issues since the bfam (we have mediation with bg-ma and the incarsarated bdad) really only concerns themself with our youngest. This is harder for our older son who's only 5 and doesn't understand. I did not know the family dynamics would be like this. My advice, if you decide to do so is also promise VERY LITTLE and always provide a way out. Our mediation was written so that WE remained in the driver's seat. It was writen sticky sweet for the family but gave us every loop hole for a way out. I couldn't do that though. I do care about this other family. Mediations are different than adoption agreements thankfully. We also got a PO box. Unfortunately, if you know anything about the internet anyone's info can be found--and yes, they found our address--last one anyway.

My brother and his wife went through this when they adopted their little girl. Some of the terms were the mother and grandmother requested visitation rights, money, you name it. My brother and his wifebeing the kind hearted souls they were caved into some of these issues. Luckily for my brother, there were not legal documents signed promising these priviledges. What began to happen was the grandparents became a problem with unannounced visits and the mother wanted money. It became ridiculous. My brother's attorney finally had to write a cease and desists ( this was after the TPR and adoption ). My brother finally moved away and left no forwarding contact information. Obviously at issue here is the mother may not sign away here rights or ask for something not outlined in the original agreement. At this point, I hope your lawyer has written up an agreement about this process. At least I hope so. If this side or new agreement violates the original agreements that were agreed on, I'd stand your ground nicely but firmly.

We have no agreement or contact with bmom because her TPR was done before the children were placed with us. They haven't seen her in about two years. We have a verbal agreement with bdad, who offered to voluntarily sign off if we were willing to maintain contact. We are willing to do more than he asked for because we all have a positive relationship with him. In this case, we feel it is best for the kids to maintain contact, but when and how is entirely up to us (and we haven't finalized).

nanab, we have contact with our daughter's b grandmother and one of her sisters. We have tried to keep this relationship open. T also sees her aunt, uncle and cousins occassionally. B Mom just got out of jail, and wants to see T, but her first contact with T after getting out was not a positive one. She essentially told T to lie to us. For that reason for now all contact with g'ma, sister, aunt and cousins will be at our home where I can control the situation. In the future we may consider contact with b mom, but first she has to prove that she can stay clean outside of jail, and that she can be trusted. I don't see that happening anytime soon.