Bmom to Adoptive Parents - early stages of reunion

I'll bet you will get as many different answers as you do respondants because everyone's set of circumstances is different. I met my son when he was 20. He was always curious about me and he a-parents encouraged him to search. Theoretically, they saw me as an extension of their family. Well, the a-dad did. The a-mom was jealous for a variety of reasons and I had my own resentments (coerced relinquishment being the first). We tried getting together for a few years and found that we were just so radically different (we are all about education; they are Jehovah's Witnesses) and the two mothers so uncomfortable with each other, it just didn't work. Sixteen years down the road, my adoptee son has strong, but different kinds of ties to both sides of his family, but the a-family and the b-family don't interact much.

How old is your son? I think nowadays, things are so much more open & accepting. But I am also going to say that every situation is unique and different. In the case of my daughter (who is only 2 at this point in time) I will support her no matter what! I have no problem speaking with her birthparents and or siblings. If she wants a relationship with them when she is older, she has me and my husband's blessings. In MY opinion, adoptive parents who have a major problem with their child having contact with their birthparents, have no confidence in their relationship with their children. Again, this is just MY PERSONAL opinion (no generalizations). I think if you feel confident in your role as your child's parent, their should be no "fear", if and when they want to find their birth family. All of the conflict between amom and bmom should be pushed aside for the sake of the child. This son or daughter is a product of BOTH. God bless & Happy New year~Julie

I'm afraid my situation does not really apply because we have an open adoption... I just wanted to make sure you knew that your post was being read..and offer some hugs.

I often see it said that only insecure or jealous parents have a problem with reunion or that if you are confident in your relationship with your child then reunion should never be a problem. Essentially, yes, parents should be confident in their place in their child's life and support their child's desire for reunion if that is the case. But having been through the whole process of raising a kid, it's often not that simple. There are many times during a child's upbringing when the parent's place in a child's life is made tenuous and parents have good reason to be protective, wary and worried about what may happen in their family. During early adolescence, many kids begin to overvalue peer opinion and undervalue family relationships. During this time, many kids express their natural desire to begin to form as independent persons as downright nastiness and cruelty in word and action to their parents. Should parents recognize this for what it is and not succumb to it? Of course. But what parent can hear hateful things coming from the precious child they have raised and loved without being heartbroken and wondering how much is just smoke and how much is real fire? In mid-adolescence, rebellion can be scary as kids are more physically mature and mobile and their potential to harm themselves and their families by immature or destructive choices is much more real. During this phase, there is more pushing away of parents as part of the process of growing up. Maintaining loving close relationship and at the same time healthy boundaries and standards of behavior during this time is a difficult balancing act for the best of parents and the most solid families. In late adolesence, early adulthood, the final push to independence is (hopefully) completed. It's a wonderful thing when it's done but along the way usually entails more pushing away of parents. The child/young adult sets their own boundaries and the parents and child struggle and feel their way through to this whole new way of relating to each other. When reunion comes at any of these times, it can be scary for a parent, no matter how "confident" or "good" of a parent they are. A parent's goodness cannot make their child magically mature, reasonable or wise. At any point, but especially at the times I've cited, a parent is vulnerable to being deeply hurt or feeling rejected by their own child by choices he or she may make. Kids are their own persons and are flawed and in process just as all of us are. And reunion involves allowing your child to have a relationship of the kind that can feel more threatening than any other because it involves the one thing that adoptive parents can never give their child- biological relatedness. It hits at the core of many adoptive parents deepest pain and real insecurities and fears. Ideally, an aparent will be confident and secure and a bparent will not seek to undermine this relationship or feed into the child's natural immaturity or impulsivesness, and the child will not exclude or reject their aparents from their lives during reunion. Ideally. But ideal situations take work and commitment from all sides of the equation- they are not a given. As I said before, I agree completely that adoptive parents should be confident in their relationships with their children and should support their children's desire for reunion. But an aparent's struggle to come to terms with this new reality and to feel secure in the midst of it should not be minimized or scorned. Some bparents may take years to deal with the pain of adoption, even if they are confident it is best for their child. From what I've seen here, the knowledge their child is happy and healthy does not magically make the struggle for peace go away or the pain of loss just vanish. In the same vein, an aparent's knowledge that reunion should be a positive thing for their child and they should support it, doesn't magically make the fear and worry of all the possible outcomes or their own pain of loss (never being biologically bound to the children they love) any less. It takes work and it takes time, and should be met with compassion and support- like any experience as part of the triad. As for the original poster, I think your opennes to the aparents and your expressed support for them was wonderful and right on target. But you are at the mercy of variables you cannot control- how he is relating to his parents and they to him. You can only continue to help point him toward maturity and wisdom not feed any immaturity or cruelty on his part. I can't speak for all aparents, only for myself. But I hope that we can be a part of reunion if and when my son wants it. I hope that both his bmom and my son will extend to me the same openness that I intend to for them. I hope it can be a part of our lives, and not just his. It is possible for things to be the way you want them- but your bson and his parents will have to work out their relationship between them before there will be able to be unity all around. I hope this happens, for all of your sakes.

Janny, I hope you can build a nice, positive relationship with your son's a parents. I also am in an open relationship with my DD's birth parents, but my DH is an adult adoptee. My Inlaws are just about the nicest, most supportive and secure people -- they have always encouraged their children to search for their birth parents if they want, etc. Do I think they may be a little "shocked" or "hurt" if DH establishes a relationship with his birth parents -- yes. I'm not saying that they won't be encouraging, etc., but I imagine it does sting a little bit when your child of forty years reaches out to another. So I definitely wouldn't take their lack of response (yet) as meaning anything. Also, one other thing that I have seen that I think drives a parents crazy is if their kids then discuss all the "bad" parenting things they did to birth parents. I think that kids may do this to build up some kind of rapport with their birth parents and because of a sort of "romantacized" relationship with them. So I would take your son's statements about them with a grain of salt, and also, I think you should say strongly to your son that you think they have done a great job with him, etc. (Assuming that they have!! I'm not saying you are trying to undemine the relationship at all -- I'm sure you aren't. But I bet that would be a really great thing for the a parents to feel like you support them, etc.). I hope you hear from them soon!! Good luck to you!

Its encouraging that the aparents encouraged your son to search for you. Isn't it curious though, when it actually happens, I can understand the amom being jealous, as it must hurt, no-one can escape the pain of reunion. I read somewhere that when an amom raises a son, to hear him call someone else "mom" just causes so much pain. I'm sad to hear that the aparents/ bparents/family can't mix, because of their being radically different. I think although his parents are JW's, it shows they were supportive of your son's search for you. I must admit to being confused by your comment that "We are educational, they are Jehovah's Witnesses" because I find JW's are very well informed people. Sounds to me like very unexpected emotional issues came to the fore? which can cause unexpected reactions, I can't say my reactions have been perfect, but then after depth charging upon meeting my son for the first time in 28 years...... Good to hear that despite your differences, your son has strong ties with both families. That sounds like reasonableness prevailed?

Hi, thanks for your wishes. I received my first letter from my son's amom about 2 weeks ago and I was thrilled to read it, but sad too. It hit me hard just what a big part she plays in his life and I felt miniscule. She signed it love (first name) which was tender, but the letter told me how it is, and she spared nothing. He is selfish, immature and jobless and they wonder how he will support himself when "they are no more". He has good qualities (obviously) but he has yet to realise them she says. [With the help of this website and Julie Baileys et al book, I can see between the lines and read where he is coming from, but I don't want to get overconfident and feel I know more than the parents that have devoted their lives to him.] I was shocked in one way but kinda had the inkling that he had been a problem in one way or another. I have been on the end of his selfishness and disdain, but as you say, I have access to his emotions in a way his amom doesn't and I am not crowing over that. I feel for her all the time and wonder how best to respond to the son I have come to know. She knows him best in one way, as she has raised him 28 years, but its almost psychic the way we connect, so weird, and satisfying. Which is just as well, because I can never recapture what his amom had, that is, his childhood. I have photos and they caused great pain that took some time to absorb and feel comfortable with. He could help (me) by being in contact each week as he did, before landing in hospital with an ecstasy reaction, but his amom was there to hold his hand and support him and I wasn't and I felt jealous over that. I know its natural, but I will NOT allow such feelings to alter or biase my response to her. I reached out to her and she reached back. That to me is great. I just have to work out these emotions, so that I can give the response she deserves. I also wont allow my son to biase my feelings towards his aparents and try to divide us into us and them. He can moan if he likes, but at a certain point, hey, I've had enough of the bad news, lets have some good stuff eh? i sincerely hope that this is the first step of building as good a relationship as I can with his aparents, I would like to meet them one day. They have loved unconditionally my son, their son, and love him very very much. That comforts me, in that I could never give him the life he deserved, but I now have to help him emotionally to get the peace he deserves, because adoption has affected him. I will not go on a guilt trip on this anymore, been there, done that, but I will support him 110% through his problems to the best of my ability. His aparents are still coping and have not given up on him. I think with such parents and with the example I truly hope to give, this Triad situation could become peaceful ground for everyone involved. Love and ((((hugs )))

Janny, I am sorry that your son is having some difficulties now...but I am really glad that you and his a parents seem to be building a healthy relationship that can only benefit all of you (especially your son) in the long run. Good luck to all of you!

Hi, just some news that may benefit others? I typed up some comments of the Primal Wound and sent it to my son to see how he would react and to see if it would release any of the pent up emotions that he describes, he found it very interesting and said he related to a lot of it, not all of it applied, but a lot of it did. I have yet to send the 2nd batch of stuff I thought may help him, but something curious happened along the way. He was on the phone to me and I highlighted the fact that I'd picked up from the Primal Wound (but didn't tell him) that he must be feeling angry with me for giving him up for adoption and that it was ok for him to be angry with me. I even suggested to him that he was feeling "well where the .... were you when I needed you, and here I am with these strangers". It seems to have had a releasing effect on him, as 2 weeks later (and a lot of worry on my part, was it too much, etc etc) I received an email saying that he'd had flu for a few days, & sorry didn't contact etc, but that he was feeling GREAT before that, so I'm very hopeful, that by giving him permission to be angry with me, that it will let out something that needed to be lanced some time ago. Anyway, that's what I've found is working for us and if it helps anyone else, fair dinkum, 'cos I feel I'm healing my son (and he certainly is healing me in a variety of ways, even if it is, hard work).:banana: