Do you wish your kids would hate their birthparents?

Do I want my child to hate their birthparents? NO, I don't want my kids to hate or hold resentment towards anyone, infact I teach them to forgive their birthparents and others who have hurt them. Do I want my child to "remember" what was or wasn't done to them? Yes, I want them to know and remember. Why? so they can understand why they are with us and also to protect their own heart from further pain and trama. I don't want my kids to have this "fantasy of who their birthparents were" or like "we" took them away from their parents. I want them to remember the state took them away because "they" were not able to parent them like a child has a right to be cared for. I want them to know their birthparents were given TOO much time and TOO many oppotunities to get it together and choose not to at the time. Do I want that to hold my child back from developing a relationship with their birthparents? yes and No. Yes I want them to be cautious and aware in their relationship. But I don't want them to harbour all this pain and hurt and anger so much that they can't love and appreciate their birthparents for who they are in their lives now and forever. Do I want to hold a special place in my childs heart that their birthmom's can't fill...because I am the parent who IS loving protecting and providing for them now and forever and has done everything asked fo me to prove I can be that parent ? Yes, I want my kids to have a special relationship with me that they can't have with their birthparents. A close relationship of trust and love that comes from being raised and cared for by your parents, the ones who are always there for you day in and day out.

I don't know if I would want my daughter to hate her birthparents, but I would prefer if she didn't love them so much. Every once in a while she makes a comment that shows she remembers how horrible her life was with them, but most of the times she mourns the loss and says she wishes she wasn't adopted and was still with them. But then she also has fears that her father will kidnap her. Yesterday she finally showed some hate for a man who was her best friend when she was 8 yrs old. He molested her regularly but he was otherwise the person who most cared about her at that time. She has had some art work that he did, that she had previously cherished. But yesterday she said 'Watch this!' and she took his art and ripped them up and stabbed at them with a pencil and scribbled over them. I wish she'd feel that way about what her parents did, instead of having their pictures in her room and taking them to bed at night. But maybe she is just too young to be able to be angry at them, maybe her identity is not separate enough. The therapist said when she is 13 yrs old (another 3 yrs) that she will need to think and work through the stuff that happened. I think she has some anger at her bparents but represses it or something. One time she was angry with me about something "I" had done to her in the past, and I had to remind her that I wasn't her mom then, that it was her birthmom. How unfair that I get the anger that should be directed at them, and they seem to get idolized and longed for.

My daughter went through a couple of real angry periods with her birthmom. Once, right after her birthmom signed the papers for her rights to be terminated(when my daughter was about 2 1/2) that lasted for a while and then again last year right after we came back from our trip to Disneyland(she was 3 1/2). That last time it really came out of the blue. On our trip home we had a layover in her birthmom's state and i stopped and picked up a t-shirt for her baby sister, when i showed it to her she was so mad. She said she didn't want to give it to her and that she didn't want to write her birthmom or show her ANY pictures from our trip. She was so upset I brought her with me to return the shirt so she could see that we weren't going to send them anything until she felt ready to. Her birthmom got mad at me...saying she knew it was me putting those thoughts into her head. That couldn't have been further from the truth especially at the time. While we were at disneyland i thought about her birthmom all the time and couldn't wait to show her our video and pictures since she herself had never been there. It took a good month or so before my daughter started to work past her anger. She was asking me a bunch of questions so I passed those questions along to her birthmom hoping she would give her some answers. Well, her responce was... "I'll tell you when your old enough to understand and i am ready to share". That's when I got so MAD. If my daughter is old enough to have been exposed to all this crap and to be hurt so badly then she is old enough to hear some answers to her questions when she asks them. Especially if her birthmom wants the benefits of continued contact with her. She is much better now about sharing stuff. Which i am thankfull for.

Our two adopted children (not bio sibs) have very different attitudes toward their birth mothers. Our son was removed when he was almost four. He was badly neglected, especially as an infant, and probably (not proven) abused by grandmother/step grandfather. He NEVER talks about his birth mom. Ever. If anyone else brings her up he appears to be completely disinterested. He remembers her, but absolutely does not talk about anything in his life prior to foster care. He does talk about his life with his foster mom a lot, in positive ways. The only thing he has ever said about his life prior to foster care was that he used to be sent outside to play in the morning and not let back in till after dark (remember, he was not even four yet). Our adopted daughter tends to romanticize her birth mother, saying that her "only problem" was drugs.... serious drug addict actually. Our daughter is finally acknowledging that sending your daughter from place to place while getting high is not a good way to parent. She has a hard time seeing that so many of her problems are a result of her birth mom not meeting her needs when she was young. Anyway, do I wish my kids would hate their birthmoms? No. But I do wish my daughter could see her birthmom in a realistic light.

I agree with mrsred, I don't wish for M to hate her mom, but its frustrating just how "rosy" of a picture she has. I wish she had a more realistic picture of her mother. I don't know that "little man" will ever remember his bios... unless things REALLY drag out for a long time. But, he sees us as his parents, whereas we are DEFINITELY not M's parents in her mind (they are also still legal risk).