Are birthdays hard?

Are birthdays hard for you? I'm finding as my daughters 5th birthday is coming very soon (2 days) that I'm getting a little depressed. Maybe because of the actual age....and the fact she is getting ready to be all grown up and start kindergarden but... I'm feeling sadness and emptiness in knowing I wasn't there the day she was born. I didn't feel her growing inside me. I didn't experience her birth. I didn't welcome her into the world. I didn't hear her first cry or see her beautfiful face or feel her little hand wrap around my finger. I didn't feel her close to my body and feeling that mother daughter bond of her suckling from my breast. I didn't get to watch her first days, weeks, months and even year of life. I feel sadened for all the missed opportunities I had and yet angry at her birthmom for having those opportunities and not enjoying every MINUTE of it and taking it all in or for spending them in ways I would never even think about doing. I feel angry for the little I do know of her birth history. Of which I can't share on here but if I did it would make you cry. And yet at the same time...I feel overwelmingly greatful that God brought us together and saved her from the sad little life she would have led. I feel grateful that she is my daughter forever and that I have had the blessing of being her mother for the last (almost) 4 years. She came to us at 14 months old. I feel sorrow for her birthmom...who I know loves her and who I would assume must be going through a rough time right now as well. Realizing all that she had and lost. I keep having to remind myself how differnt we are as people. From what I've heard from her, the moments I would have cherished she spent in other ways not even with my daughter or with her yet in very bad circumstances. So it's a time of reflection I guess of looking over those 5 years and yet feeling such a huge gap...for those 9 months of pregnancy I missed out on and her first 14 months of life.