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Well, as many of you may know, my son's bmom dropped off the face of the planet a few months ago. She had abandoned her second child, disappeared someplace her family didn't know where, and when I tried to call her on her cell phone, she basically refused to speak with me.I figured "Okay, she'll call when she's ready."She called out of the blue yesterday. She and I chatted for about twenty minutes. She sounded like she was on the upswing: she has a new man, she claims to be saving for her own place, and she swears she's doing everything DSS has asked her to do to get her daughter back. I have some serious doubts about all she claimed to be doing, given her past history---I've heard all this before, and it's usually right before the boyfriend turns out to be an abusive drunk, she quits yet another job, and she gives up working with DSS. But if it's for real, I wish her all the best. She sounded more coherent than I've heard her in a long time.Anyway, I told my/our son that she had called. He and I talked about Melissa for a while---he's been asking me a lot of questions about the day he was born, etc. etc., and I've been trying to answer them as best I could. Having her call fit in with a general pattern of questions he is having now about her and about why he isn't with her. (He's almost 4).He was quiet for a long time, sitting in the back of the car. And then he said, "I'm sad to Melissa." I couldn't figure out if he was sad about her or for her, and then he said, "I miss her." I think that although he doesn't know her (he hasn't seen her since he was a few months old), he is starting to feel that longing so typical of adopted kids.Although I'm really open about his adoption and want him to talk to me about it, I was at a loss for words in the face of his grief. I honestly did not know what to say. I said, "I know, sweetie, it's a sad thing," but didn't really know anything better to say.How do all of you deal with your kids' grief over bparents?
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I do just as you did...I awknowledge/validate their feelings and then I focus on how much their birthparent loves them and always will regardless of the circumstances involved.
Then I share with them how much "I" love them and will always be there for them because we are a family and whenever they want to talk I'll always be there to listen and give them a hug cause they are my babies too and I love them with all my heart.
We can't erase the pain they will feel. But we can awknowledge it and let them know how much they are loved by ALL involved.
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I do the same thing as you've done pretty much. I validate their feelings and agree with them that it's sad. I give them "permission" to miss, grieve, be angry etc. and I also assure them that it was not THEIR fault.
At 9, my dd processes things a bit more intellectually now and does have the feelings of "why wasn't I "good enough" to make bmom be responsible". So I really do try to emphasize that it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with bparent's choices and abilities.
My youngest son is 6 and has no memories to add to what my dd has. He hasn't expressed the longing or missing his bparents, his feelings are more centered around the grief that he didn't grow in my tummy. Even with different reactions and feelings of all 4 of my kids, I still discuss things pretty much the same way. Just the validation, reassurance etc. I also try to explain the positives after doing that. Try to end the conversation on the good parts. Not to "erase" anything, but to start teaching them that even in the face of grief or anger, there ARE positive things too.
Thanks for all your advice. It's a tough situation, and it helps to have other people who have been there!I'm really in a dilemma about how to handle contact with Melissa as my son gets older. After he talked about how sad he was "to" her, he said he wanted to talk to her. I let him leave a message on her voice mail, asking her to call back. Sigh. Of course she hasn't....
This is just me...but if she doesn't call back, I would not place a call again til I was assured that she isn't going to "flake out" on him. kwim?
You might consider doing the letter thing instead of calls to kind of ease the face to face hurt. I know my kids would be devastated if they put themselves out there and didn't get a response. So yes...it is a dilemma for sure. We want to respect the relationship/connection and yet at the same time, we want to protect our kids from further hurt.
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I'd be so careful going down that path. (of letting him call her)
She obviously is not in any position to BE THERE for her bson like HE needs her to be.
In my opinion it's better in cases like this to LIMIT direct contact with her....and just let him express his feelings to you. Where he can feel loved and know his feelings are respected and heard.
I say this because I believe it will only cause him more hurt and pain. Obviously you know the situation better than me. But please be careful. I can just imagine how much MORE painful that would be for him knowing he put his heart out there and had it rejected.
Open adoption is great...but not at the expense of the child....it's supposed to ADD to his life not take away from it.
Boulderbabe I am not much help, but I wanted to let you know that your not alone. I dont know why, but today also out of the blue my son, soon to be 5, started talking about his other mommy and daddy. He came to me at 15 months old so I know he does not remember them, but with us just adopting his sister, he started to become curiouse. He also expressed that he is sad for not seeing them again, but happy that we are his new mommy and daddy, becouse he loves us. I have explained to him with our daughter that her mommy (he has met her b-parents when we had visits) was too sick (she is sick-addiction is a sicknes-when he is older I will explain more, but for now I think its good) and and could not care for her and so we are her new mommy and daddy. He asked today if his other mommy and daddy were also to sick to take care of him and I confirmed it. It is hard...I aslo want to be open about everything, but its hard when they are so young. I want him to understand without going into details yet, eventually he will know everything, but right now I think he is to young. Do you all agree or should I explain more to him? I want to handle it right.
mom2GRLC
I can just imagine how much MORE painful that would be for him knowing he put his heart out there and had it rejected.
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Boulder, we're in the same boat. Sort of. No direct contact here. One of our Ds's is 5 and he's struggling through comprehending his adoption and all that entails. I have sat and rocked with him as he's cried for the mom he never knew, and has confused with his foster mom with whom we've maintained contact.... He isn't really crying for any one person, rather is is more about his confusion re: the adoption and that he is grieving because there has been this un-nameable loss for him. What am I supposed to say to make it better? :( Nothing. There's nothing to SAY. So I rocked him, and told him that Daddy and I love him, and we are sad that he can't see his mommy (whomever he's crying for...he makes up fantasy stories and has different family members in every story) and it's sad that things are this way. We talk about being sad, sometimes without really discussing why. Just about the emotions and how to work through them. I want to make things all better; I can't. I want to reassure him that his bio mom loved him; I can't. I can only reassure him that Daddy and I love him, that his foster parents love him, that his brothers and sisters love him, that his grandparents love him...you get the pictures. There is loss and it has left an injury, but there is also much love surrounding him now and for the rest of his life to help him heal. I'm finally figuring out that in my struggle to help him through his grief (and this will be on-going through the years) I can't get bogged down in trying to 'make it all better' because I can not make it ALL better. There are bad things that happened, he didn't have a happy life with bio parents. I can not change it, I can't make it anything but what it was. We can, however, go forward together.
My son used to make up stories around 5-6 as well. He'd see somehting on tv and repeat what he saw but say his birthmom did it for him. Like "my birthmom used to feed me pees when I was a baby" or "she would bring me to the park and psuh me on my bike". He was under 2 when he was brought into fostercare and he really has no memory of his birthmother.
But he does remember the foster mom he lived with for 2 years before coming to us and sometimes does confuse her with his birthmom. Or confuse things we did with him ...saying his foster mom did it with him.
At the time he had no contact with his birthmom but we were in lots of contact with my daughters birthmom, adn I think he was trying to make those connections as well.
When we'd go pick up her leeters from her birthmom....he would cry wondering why he didn't get a letter from her...and why she didn't care enough about him to write.
That was really hard. But with lots of encouragement he did get through that phase.
Barksum
I'm finally figuring out that in my struggle to help him through his grief (and this will be on-going through the years) I can't get bogged down in trying to 'make it all better' because I can not make it ALL better. There are bad things that happened, he didn't have a happy life with bio parents. I can not change it, I can't make it anything but what it was. We can, however, go forward together.
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