How to decide

March 28, 2007

My oldest soon to be adopted son (age 13) wants to have contact with his bdad. He has told me twice now that is it our decision (fault) that he doesn't see him. Somone in DHHS told him that when he is adopted, it is the new parents decision.

We have had to put both boys (they don't have the same dad) in a different school district 2 cities over, because the bio sibs to the oldest is in our local school. At the court hearing we went to the lawyer made it clear she doesn't think that even after the adoption the boys should go to our local school, and the oldest should not have contact with bdad.

We have a letter from their case worker stating that they aren't to have any contact with bios or they could be removed (this was a letter to the schools to allow us to transfer)

My understanding of bd's TPR was 1) because he didn't have a large enough house for his current kids and step kids to add 2 more. 2) because he only wanted his son and not the little brother. 3) there are some stability issues (the last letter his case worker got from him for the oldest at Christmas had one address for him and one from the 1/2 and step sibs so he may not be with them any more).

The caseworker and lawyer both agree that bd really doesn't recognize that his rights have been terminated because he still sends letters. Dad didn't show up at the last visit to say good bye either. Neither did bmom.

Day before yesterday he ran into a cousin at a gas station and they talked for a few, so it has brought the question up again.

It seems that everytime the question is brought up he makes it clear that he doesn't want to be part of our family because he wants to be with his dad. Then he is extremely mean to lil bro who he obviosly blames for not being with his dad. He has had 2 rough days being mean and hateful to everyone. It's like riding a roller coaster not knowing if what you say will send him off. He ended up having to go to bed at 7:30 last night and saying some really inappropriate things and crying mad at me because I heard him and he swears he didn't say what I know I heard him say and because I made him go to his room.

Would anyone else consider allowing contact with bd in this situation after the adoption is final?

sundara

March 28, 2007

If parental rights are/will be terminated involuntarily (e.g., for cause, such as neglect, abuse, etc), and given that the system already gave letters indicating no contact, it is BDad who is violating the law by contacting his son, and that is what needs be explained. If he asks what the SW/CW said in the past, I would simply explain that adults do sometimes make mistakes, but that your understanding is that contact is not legal due to the order of TPR.

My son in particular (at age 9 when he moved in) behaved in a similar fashion and we did have to make it clear that in this family, you do not take out your upset on someone else (siblings).

However, realize that this is really about grief - they are trying to work through the loss of the bparent and don't always know how, and often this is occurring while all these adults are saying "see how lucky you are, you are being adopted!" but to the kid, it is all about loss right now. It doesn't mean they don't appreciate you! Trying to celebrate and grieve at the same time is confusing and hard for anyone! Make sure to let him know that this is a difficult and sad time for him, and that missing his Bdad is normal.

If he is not in therapy, I strongly recommend it now, but ONLY with a therapist familiar with adoption issues.

My son's current therapist had a great analogy for the behavior part that my son is learning to use as a reminder - "it's ok to feel angry but it is NOT ok to throw a chair to express it". Same applies to any other emotion & behavior.

I have learned from this to now ask my kids, when they are acting out, is there a better way to deal with their feelings? I will even ask if there is a specific thing they can do that they learned from the therapist, in order to help them right now to deal with their feelings in a positive way - for example, talk to someone (a friend, a parent, a sibling, call the therapist), journalling, playing music in their rooms (sometimes very loudly!). The key question is, what tool did they learn that would help them to deal with the feelings right now?