how much connection to your birth culture did your a-parents have

Hi Ripples ~ I just joined these forums a few days ago. It's great to connect with other adoptees about their experiences. I was adopted from south east Asia by my American parents when I was 2 1/2 years old. My Aparents have always been very open with me about my adoption from the earliest age I was able to understand - and I've had a growing curiosity about it. So with that, they have been learning things about my birth country along with me. They had the opportunity to actually travel abroad to 'get me' - so they were exposed to a land that was foreign to me growing up. Was wondering where you are located Ripples? You seem quite positive about your adoption and open. That's great!

Hey BAnn08,Welcome to the forum! I'm from Taiwan but grew up in Canada and the USA. Glad to hear that your Aparents and you are learning about your birth heritage together. From what I've experienced and read from other international adoptees, there can be a lot of twists and turns in the discovery journey. All the best to you as you embark on your own journey. These forums have been a tremendous source of info and support during mine - may they be that for you too.

ripples, I am not adopted but read this forum now and again. I like to know how adult adoptees feel so I can be prepared to help my daughter. We are a multi racial family. My husband and I are pretty white (blonde), my son is part spanish, my two older daughters blue eyed white, and my youngest daughter was adopted from China. I try very much to encompass her Chinese heritage and my son's spanish heritage into our family. My son is helped by his dad in this part but my daughter only has us. We have gathered as much information possible about her abandonment (hate saying that) her foster parents, her culture or any piece of information and have it all ready for her when she is old enough to understand. We attend Chinese festivals and keep in contact with the 6 families that she was adopted with. These girls will grow up knowing they were together in China and chosen to be our children. I think it is important for me as an adoptive mother to do what I can to keep her culture while main streaming her into being an Asian American not a white american! I value all of your opinions as I know we have years to go and I really do not know how she will feel as an adult but I do hope she loves us and understands that we have supplied her with all the information available short of her bio parents. We do plan to take her back to her China town when she is old enough to understand and we are also adopting another child from China. I hope that the two of them will grow up and be there for each other when I cannot! I love them all with all my heart and would not trade any of them. We do our best and I hope that is good enough! Thank you for posting your opinions for us to read. I get a lot of guff because we adopted from China and sometimes I worry about my daughter. But I figure if we raise her to be strong and believe in herself both as an American and Chinese woman, we have done our job!

Hi Sheba,It sounds like your doing as much as you genuinely can regarding your daughter from China to keep her connected with her Chinese cultural roots and to offer a caring, loving home. And I think having your daughter know other Chinese adoptees will help lessen the sense of being the 'odd one out' - so good for you for connecting with the other adoptive families. If you haven't already done so already, perhaps reading some of the general writings about adoptee experiences and parenting adopted children might also help? I noticed at the International Adoptive Families of Queensland (Australia) annual gathering that the book, "Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections" was widely circulated. While I didn't read the whole book, I skimmed through several of the chapters and the advice seemed quite sensible and sensitive - there are a few writings about parenting transracial children. The other book that I thought had a good balance of practical advice and a window into the emotional challenges that adoptees face is the book, "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" (it doesn't deal with transracial adoption, but I think it is still useful general advice). Another piece of research that I thought was very insightful is the report on "The Gathering of the First Generation of Adult Korean Adoptees: Adoptees' Perception of International Adoption" (about 400 participants were involved) - it's free for downloading from the Evan B Donaldson Adoption Institute's web site. I'd also read on other forum boards here at adoption.com that there's a book called something like: "Talking to your child about adoption" that's been recommended by others within adoptive families. Another free resource is the "Prospective Adoptive Parent Education Program" booklet that's downloadable from the Queensland (Australia) Department of Child Safety's web site, overseas adoption section. While it's mainly targeted towards prospective adoptive parents, it's guidelines/tips may be useful. I am of the opinion that keeping one's children connected with their birth culture roots is useful in assisting them with their later challenges in negotiating their multiple sources of identity. However, my own experience as a child growing up amongst adoptive parents who were very much actively interested in Chinese culture, was that I outrightly refused much identification with Chinese culture. I sometimes even protested to my parents that I felt that they were trying to force me into being a 'Chinese girl'. In retrospect, I recognize that my parents were very well intentioned and they even said that they weren't trying to force me into becoming 'Chinese'. But perhaps some of my own reactions were part of the wider, general challenge that some adoptees deal with, which is trying to find a sense of 'belonging' and for me as a transracial adoptee, this included trying to 'fit in' into a Caucasian family by denying my Chinese roots. The denial of my Chinese cultural roots was my own denial of the adoption-related grief and loss I'd experienced. So my general advice is: 1) encourage your child to participate in cultural activites relating to their birth country. If they baulk, then let them know that the options/doors are always open for them to participate later if they want to 2) read up on books about adoptee experiences and parenting adopted children to gain a deeper understanding of some of the complexities, 3) open discussion with your children about their adoption, their feelings about their adoption and their sense of cultural identity - some adopted people see themselves as Caucasian, others more of a mixture, etc; 4) allow your children to express their feelings in a safe place - even if they clam up, indicate to them that you're aware that there may be all kinds of different feelings that they may have, and that the door is open for them if they want to talk later; from what I've read, adoption-related grief/loss/post-trauma reactions can be wide and varied (from adamant denial, to anger, to depression, to listlessness, to seemingly and often misdiagnosed Attention-Deficit-Disorder, to extra efforts to please others) and therefore sometimes hard to identify, 5) connect with other international adoptive families for support/sharing tips and experiences, 6) do what you're already doing by raising her to be strong and believe in herself, 7) recognize that you're doing the best you can with the best of intentions with what you know at the time - I think in life in general, that's all we can really do in the face of such challenges, yup? I hope that some of this makes sense - again, they're just my two cents worth of opinion and I'm sure that other international adoptees will have other suggestions/views. It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job and that you're already doing a lot of what I'd suggested. It's understandable that you worry about your daughter sometimes so I encourage you to keep asking around for help/support. I'm such a big believer that there's bound to be at least someone else in this world that shares similar concerns and worries - that's the wonderful thing about online forums like this one, we learn that we're not so alone in dealing with such challenges! All the best to you, Sheba! Warm regards,Ripples:grouphug:

Ripples Thank you for your opinion. I do value a different insight afterall I am not adopted nor am I adopted from another country. We will continue to keep our daughter as connected as possible to her culture as well as our other children. I read as much as I can on the history of China and the people. I feel I should be aware of her culture to answer questions later in life. Ignorance is not an excuse for not being able to answer questions. I do know many adoptive families who get home and that is the end of China and it's culture. That makes me sad and I try not to let that happen to our daughter. She has many ethic dolls and friends and we will continue to do this for her. I am lucky because we do have a very supportive family/friends and I try to reseach as much as possible on the subject of international adoptees. Thank you again.

Hi Sheba,Good for you for continuing your efforts to connect your daughter to her birth country's culture. I anticipate that it'll really be time and effort well spent - even if your daughter rebells like I did. As much as I rebelled against my parents' interest in Chinese culture (i.e. protesting that I felt they were trying to pressure me into being 'Chinese'), still, in the long run, their interest and knowledge really helped me integrate both my Chinese and Caucasian identities. My knowledge of Chinese culture and the language also helped lessen the emotional trauma and confusion I experienced when I returned to Taiwan later in life. And knowing that my parents knew a lot (even more than me, since they're China scholars) about my birth culture helped me feel that they could understand more about me, my birth roots as well as the personal impact of my trip to Taiwan. I think I'd feel somewhat 'cut off' from my parents if they had no interest or knowledge of my birth culture. I have heard from some other transracial adoptees that their disconnect from their birth culture contributed to their feelings that somehow their birth culture was 'bad' and 'scary'. I forgot to mention that another book that was widely circulated at the International Adoptive Families of Queensland (Australia) annual gathering was the book, "The Colour of Difference". It includes perspectives from 27 transracial adoptees in Australia. Here's an excerpt from the intro by the publishers of the book: "The writing of The Colour of Difference has been about discovery and openness and not about blame. The adoptees who gave their stories to us so generously and honestly, with all their various experiences of adoption, wanted the book to be a positive and true reflection of their lives in Australia. Some of them, as you will read, had experienced unkindness or abuse in their adoptive families. The majority had been treated with love and real efforts had been made to incorporate them and their culture into the adoptive family. The participants, as a group, said that they were 'just trying to be honest' in writing their stories, not trying to blame their adoptive families, who were generally perceived to be 'doing their best'. ... The participants of this book are keenly aware of how their lives might have been. They bear the burden of gratefulness, often to parents who would be appalled to think that their children feel such an emotion." All the best to you and your daughter! Regards,Ripples

I came across another interesting article by Anti-Racist Parenting web site columnist and Korean adoptee, Jae Ran Kim. The article is titled, "Drive-By Culture". She says, "People ask me all the time for a “top 10″ list of suggestions or rules that are must-do’s regarding transracial adoption" and includes insightful perspectives as well as blog feedback on the dynamics of attending culture camps/culture schools. I found the article via the Australian InterCountry Adoption Network's latest news section. Regards,

Hi there, I recognize that this is over a year old but i will reply anyway.. It seems like nobody who posted was raised with connections to their birth country. That is heartening because I think that having no contact with my birth culture or people until the age of 20 was not a great thing for me in terms of developing a true and positive identity. While I have nothing against Australian culture, it was always dissapointing to have no contact with filipinos or filo culture as a child. I think it is a great idea introducing adopted children to their natural culture, especially if they are physically different from the other family members. It would be really nice to know about your true roots and culture from a young age so that later, it can help form a healthy self-perception and identity.

Hi Ripples! I just happened on your forum and what you said about rebelling against your parents immersion of you into chinese culture is so true even in the normal multiracial/multiculture family. smile... I am the adoptive parent of two Brazilian children (well one is not a child but 25 years old) but the point is, my husband who is first generation Dutch rebelled against learning Dutch as a child for the same reasons. Your right, children want to identify/fit in with the crowd whether they are adopted or not and more often than not it is just the plain ole "American" part they are wanting to identify with. This is a great forum....congrats on its conception. SSV

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I was adopted from birth in Mexico by a white family living in Los Angeles, CA. It was unfortunate for me because my a-parents did not support the fact that I was multi-racial at all. my a-mother tried to mold me into a perfect little Caucasian. She was delusional and my a-father stood by without saying a word. I ached to be part of a community, a group that was not just limited to adoptees. I had many friends who were adopted, but unfortunately where I lived in Los Angeles - we were limited to the type of ethnicities in my school. Hispanic kids really didn't exist. as I grew older my a-mother would constantly criticize my race and background and made me feel badly about my roots, telling me 'you were raised white'. I hated that and it hurt me deeply to the core, even to this day. I felt so lonely in my white a-family and had feelings of self-destruction over this. my classmates in high school were mainly Hispanic and I felt despair that I was Mexican, yet had no culture to share with them. I was nothing to them, more or less. Every day was a struggle to understand how I could belong to someone, anyone. It took me many years of soul searching and amazing counselors to get me over that hump. To this day my a-mother and I have a terrible relationship and much of it is attributed to the fact that she had no interest in helping me become established in a culture. The worst part is that she will never ever understand. If you adopt, give them the gift of culture. Not just their new culture but the one they were born into.

alexlamm I read your post and a few others and was just floored. First, I can't imagine anyone actually saying, "you were raised white." (I don't doubt that she said it, just what was she thinking it meant exactly?) What is white? What is caucasion? It isn't a culture, it is a color of skin and not a very accurate description if I might add. All "white" people have many different backgrounds, culture, and ethnicities that can/should be celebrated. Think of the difference between the Irish and the - say Dutch. If you are Saudi Arabia you are considered white, if you are from Armenia, Russia, Poland, Italy, Iran, Iraq, Serbia, yes, you are "white". No where else in the world do they group "white" into one bucket and assume they are all the same. I feel sad when I hear kids/adults feel like they don't fit in either due to adoption or just because they are - by skin color a minority in something (work, school, family, etc.) And I know no way to change it because I haven't sat in their shoes. All I can do is say, your birth families culture is rooted in years of tradition, learn it and enjoy it. I hope that by celebrating all of our families cultures, both bio and adopted we can create a sense of "our new family culture". It will be different, but we will all fit in because our ancestors come from many different countries and an Indian tribe. I think that combination is part of what being American is - and I hope to pass on that message of inclusion. We'll see if it is successful.

This is a great question. I was not adopted from overseas so culture was not a factor in my upbringing. I did grow up with several Korean adoptees. My son was born in Korea and we put a fair amount of effort into keeping him connected to his culture. Our (Korean) friends often laugh that I make him do more Korean 'stuff' than their kids! However I believe that if you are less able to connect to your child's birth culture it is not a particular problem for your child. Ultimately, a family that conveys respect for all cultures and has bonded well is most important. My peers growing up did not enjoy any connection to their birth cultures. They had their family's culture and nothing else. I know that there are some people who struggle in that sort of situation (though again I think that is more related to general intolerance/racism than anything else) but the people I know had no problems and question a heavy helping of birth culture focus. Sadly it seems that most adoption literature and books never connect with the majority of us because happy proud adoptees don't go around writing books about how being adopted is no big thing. It would be a pretty short book and it just wouldn't occur to us to write it!

It is an interesting question as to whether the majority of adoptees are a happy silent group who don't see being adopted as a big thing. I do know that there have been studies about the mental health of adoptees in general and transracial adoptees in particular. Here's an excerpt from a conference paper from the 8th Australian Adoption Conference in 200. The paper was titled, "The Service Needs of Transracial Adoptive Families" and was written by a counsellor from the Post-Adoption Resource Centre (PARC) in Sydney, Australia - it seems to find mixed info: "Regarding intercountry adoptees, predominantly positive outcomes for were similarly discovered by Hjern and associates using data from Sweden's Centre for Epidemiology. The data indicated that the vast the majority of for people adopted from overseas do not experience extreme negative outcomes in terms of their mental health (Hjern, Lindblad, Vinnerljung, 2002). Notwithstanding, the concern is with the higher rates of mental health problems than among the general population in receiving countries. It has long been known that adoptive families are disproportionately represented among those who seek help from mental health services (Brodzinsky, 1990, p.3). Some of the recent research has supported the view that one reason for this is that adoptive parents are more inclined to seek help (Warren, 1994). Other research has shown that, even controlling for variables contributing to this, adoptees are still twice as likely as non-adoptees to have received counselling (Miller et al, 2000). The study by Hjern and associates found that, among the Swedish population, after adjustment for major confounding factors, intercountry adoptees were 3.6 times more likely than Swedish-born children to die from suicide, 3.6 times more likely to attempt suicide, 3.2 times more likely to be admitted for a psychiatric disorder, to get involved in drug abuse (5.2 times more likely) or alcohol abuse (2.6 times) or to commit a crime (1.6 times). It may be that the experience in Sweden cannot be directly generalised to the Australian context, but these figures do give cause for concern."

I was adopted from Colombia and my parents are Caucasion living in the U.S. My parents had high school Spanish and I remember them speaking it sometimes when I was younger (usually when they didn't want my siblings and I to understand what they were saying, ha ha) but that's the extent of my interaction with the language. I think being born outside the U.S. has had an odd effect on me in terms of the fact that it's made me cling very tightly to my adopted country. I am very interested in history, particularly U.S. history and I always felt very touchy about the fact that I wasn't born here, that it wasn't "mine" (although pretty much all Americans have ancestory that is not based in the U.S.). I purposely stayed away from learning Spanish (I took German in high school) and becamse fiercely patriotic. I had no interest in learning about where I was born until a few years ago when I went to college. I am still rather touchy about it, I think mostly because when people find out I was adopted from outside the U.S. they get very "fascinated" and start to look at me like a foreign object, like I don't belong here. I have no resentment in the least towards my parents for not trying to instill in me my birthculture or language or anything else related to where I was born. I appreciate that they accepted me as part of the family and part of their own history and culture. I think for me personally if they had done otherwise it would have made me feel like I was being singled out as different.