friends marriage break up. Husband 'obsessed ' with birth mother and sister

Nope. They were happily married until he met his birth family. They live about 50 miles away and he started going to see them 3 or 4 times a week and recently staying over. Initially he included his wife in these visits but this taled off. He still takes the kids once a week. She feels as though she is being replaced by his new family. They recently separated and he brought up his issues about her,some minor points that have been magnified out of proportion, as reasons for the separation. He simply is blinded by his 'love' for his new family and can't understand how my friend is feeling. She wants to be involved but he finds excuses not to do this. She understands to a degree what he must be going through, but does he want to sacrifice his own family for a new one? He won't go to counselling because he 'doesn't have a problem'. She is biding her time to see if these intense feelings wear off and he comes to his senses/

How long has he been in reunion? Those initial early stages are totally overwhelming...almost like a honeymoon stage. My birthmother and I were dealing with virtually obsessive emotions when we first reunited and we have said that in ways it is good that we don't live anywhere near each other because it would have been too easy to sacrifice some of our families' needs to spend more time together. We had to "schedule" our time together on the phone and email to keep the crazy emotions in check and not call each other every 2.5 seconds. It sounds, unfortunately, like your friend's husband can't see that he is pushing his wife and kids aside. He should be able to spend time with his birthmother and sister though without feeling guilty. Perhaps some kind of an agreement with his wife would be beneficial...i.e. he goes over to visit once a week for x amount of time on a given day. He probably does need some "alone" time with his new family, especially if the reunion is new, but at some point he needs to incorporate his wife and kids if the relationship is to be stable and long-lasting. These obsessive emotions are pretty wild...it is quite possible that he has no idea how much he is pushing everything else aside. Things should calm down with a bit of time.

Witchypoo I agree with the rest of the the posters - reunion is such an emotionally charged time - something that is totally foreign to the partner who has no idea of what is going on in her spouses heart and head. BUT...it will settle down and her best friend/husband will return to her - probably more loving and more complete than he ever has been. As her friend, please counsel her to give him time, and give him space. Be there for her so she has a friend she can off-load to. I will keep my fingers crossed for everyone involved. It is an extra-ordinary time and requires extraordinary patience. Ann

Thanks for your replies. It has been about 8 months since they re-united and since Christmas her husband has been becoming more secretive about his relatuionship with his b family. My friend said she feels like he is having an affair! Since having a look on the web and trying to understand his feelings she realises that she just needs to leave him to it, maybe to realise what he is missing out on. She doesn't want a divorce, but he seems to think that he has to have either one relationship or the other, not both. It is very obsessive. More so with his sister really. He was hiding his mobile phone, talking to her on the web when at home with my friend and taking time off work to go and visit.Also spending a lot of money on taking her (his sister)to concerts and on gifts. My friend said herself that he has put her on a pedestal all of their married life and she has well and truly been pushed off! I did say to her the feelings he has must be like the first 'flush of love' that we all experience when starting a new relationship, and I think he is compensating for his mother's 'guilt' about having to give him up.

I don't know,but his relationship now sounds like it may be headed towards gsa? I hate saying that, but many of your descriptions now make me wonder if it has headed that way.Or it could be his obsessive personality changing "obsessions"and now the sister is on the pedastal?

Very strange, I hate to ask this, maybe I know nothing, but are you sure his new "sister" is really a blood sister, could it be that his bmom is not her bmom? For example she may be from his bmom's husband and a previous wife, in that case having an affair with her doesnt sound so far fetched.

I hate to say this but my other friends and I thought this way back, but didn't broatch this with my friend as it is a very taboo subject, obviously. However she brought it up herself a few weeks ago, just before they separated. His sister was visiting while my friend was at work (she works nights), coming just before she went out and staying late. My friend commented that his sister was always 'done up' for these visits, and the pair of them are very touchy feely. His b mother doesnt visit however, due to health problems, but my friend doesn't seem to think that these problems are bad enough to stop her jumping in the car for an hour. That's another thing. We thought that his b mother may be actively pushing the husband and sister together because of these health issues (she is in remission), so that if the worst happens, her daughter has 'someone'. They don't have a great deal of money whereas my friends hubby has a well paid job, and the sister and mother are on their own living together. And yes, they are definitely blood relatives.

Uhhh...it's now beginning to sound like something out of Ancient Rome. Specifically, certain emperors...

Cool, I just had to wonder that, you have to admit it sounded like a posibility, I'll shut up now because I dont have any first hand knowalage of a reunion, been looking for my son, but after 30 years of looking, I'm still looking

just wanted to chime in and say that for the first 6 months of my reunion ALL of my other relationships were a mess. my fiance and i almost broke up. i was actually planning on leaving him and going to live with my b-father. now i look back and realize how SILLY and RIDICULOUS that was, but irish and kune are 100% right when they say that reunion is so emotionally charged that EVERYTHING can seem different......the worst rose colored glasses ever. Thank goodness i realized what was happening with me and i did get married and am having a baby with my wonderful husband in July. the first year or so of reunion is insane and everyones "honeymoon stage" lasts different amount of times. i hope your friend can understand what her husband is going through and that they do come out of this better for the experience.

Yes, I think she realises now after reading up on the subject that it must be very emotional for him. But she says he is a completely different person. I suppose 8 months isn't long in the scheme of things. I just hope he realises what he might be losing befor its too late!:thanks: everyone.

There is a certain intensity that occurs alot at the begining of a reunion... and the reunion definitely can become one of the most important things in one's life. There are also phenomenas that are called Genetic Attraction and Genetic Sexual Attraction that happen in as many as 50% of reunions...(statistic from one of the many books I read... but, of course, can't remember which one!)... There are good articles on the web that can give you insight on them... I've seen the term "flush of love".. and that's a pretty good descriptor... I hope and pray that your friend's husband comes to an understanding as to what exactly is happening... and that there IS room for his wife AND his bfamily... but if either of these phenomena exist.. it will take him understanding the issues and then acting accordingly...

My friends father has also looked it up on the web and my friend says he has said that it is a psychological problem and there is actually a name for it. Although i have spoken to her about gsa, she didn't say whether he father thought that this was the problem, but i suspect that he does, but doesn't want to put it to my friend in those terms in case he upsets her. But as my previous posts she suspects this anyway. I'll give her her due though, she is being very understanding!

Hope you find him soon lonelyinga. Veering off the subject a little it's strange isn't it how many people spend years looking for their child or vice versa, but my own experience is that my father lives the other side of town and i have seen him once in 38 years! Luckily I have a fantastic mother who is my best friend. Good luck with your search:flowergift:

Hi can anyone help my husband of 16 years found his birth mum he messaged me everyday saying I’m his world he loved me then after his first birthday spent with his mum he woke up and said I don’t know how I feel about you anymore . His personality has changed changed the way he dresses just walked out on me and the kids with no contact can anyone help with this is it not him is he dealing with emotions heartbroken