not doing well now

Have you searched?

mstbeeps, from my experience, I think adoption affects everybody differently, but females seem to miss that "connection" more than males do. By reading through all the posts on this site, it's generally women that are searching for their b-family. I'm not sure why that is. Have you tried searching for your b-family? It might provide some answers and possibly some closure for you. There are a ton of AWESOME people on this site, so I'm sure you'll get alot more input, and probably better answers than I can give.

I have searched. I registered with my state using the freedom of information request form. Got back basically nothing. The report stated the records were lost and no longer available. Years ago, there was an organization called "Adoption Libertees" or something like that. I requested my"original" birth record using a # on my "amended" birth certificate but was refused. Also tried other online organizations. Any other suggestions would be helpful.

According to the staff at my old orphanage, it's quite common for adoptees to wonder more strongly about their birth/adoption stuff and/or begin their search after their adoptive parents die. Adoption affects many adoptees, including me, in our abilities to deal with abandonment, intimacy, rejection, etc; Adoption affects adoptees in so many different ways - some, including me when I was younger, will flat out deny that adoption has affected them at all. In looking back, I realize that I was just trying to pretend that my adoption-related, buried grief never existed since the thought of dealing with all the emotional pain was just too much then. If you have a read of Deborah N Silverstein and Sharon Kaplan's article called Seven Core Issues in Adoption, this might help shed light in understanding what you've been feeling. You can find the article by doing an online search on most web search engines. As an adoptee who's a-mom and stepdad died, it certainly prompted me further to explore my adoption-related stuff. I sense from the headline of your posting that you're going through a difficult time and that you're feeling the disconnect with your family members, friends and husband. All I can say is that I hear you and that I encourage you to continue reaching out on this forum - there are many very, very supportive people here who can relate to your journey. I hope this helps. I'm sending you hugs in the meantime.

What state was your adoption finalized in? Laws have changed in many. Mary

I feel the same way then you! I lost both my adoptive parents and felt very alone in this wolrld. I have an adoptive sister and after my mother pass away in 2002 we stopped to see each other. We were never closed to begin with! I know many adopted people. Some are fine and other like myself felt the need to search. I am in the process of healing. I need to grieve my lost so I can go on and I have a healthy relationship with a man one day. I am starting to see the impact on my adoption. My core issues are : feeling like I am a bad person, unwanted, don't deserved. I go in therapy, read books about adoption and join this forum so I can share my experience with others adoptees and heal myseld

I feel the same way then you! I lost both my adoptive parents and felt very alone in this wolrld. I have an adoptive sister and after my mother pass away in 2002 we stopped to see each other. We were never closed to begin with! I know many adopted people. Some are fine and other like myself felt the need to search. I am in the process of healing. I need to grieve my lost so I can go on and I have a healthy relationship with a man one day. I am starting to see the impact on my adoption. My core issues are : feeling like I am a bad person, unwanted, don't deserved. I go in therapy, read books about adoption and join this forum so I can share my experience with others adoptees and heal myself. I want to be a whole person.

I appreciate all who have replied to my posting. I have really only been upset since my adoptive parents died. I would love to have a relationship with my brothers but we have grown so far apart. Both are so involved with their own lives and responsibilities that I feel I am just an after-thought. Many, many issues with that. I recently found out that a cousin had a baby but not from either of them, only thru a passing email from someone else. I felt so left out. My feelings of abandonment have really sunk in now. I also read the article suggested by Ripples. Thank you so much! It actually gave me some hope and validity to these feelings. I am glad to be able to have this forum. It makes me feel like I am not alone. Thank you, thank you!

Hi - I'm 55, also adopted by Roman Catholics, also haven't been to church in quite awhile. I now practice yoga and it is just the thing for me. My birth parents are also dead. Though we loved each other we were so different. My bro is also adopted and we are pretty close. But I was never able to maintain a marriage, two divorces and lots of broken intimate relationships. I just joined this group tonight because I am realizing that these are adoption issues. My yoga group has helped me to identify my anger and tendency to blow things way out of proportion - I have safety issues, trust issues, and I think I get way too defensive about things.

Essentially, your adoptive parents' passing means you are--again--an orphan. It's difficult enough for people who weren't adopted to deal with losing the parents who raised them. I'm not looking forward to finding out how it feels to lose one set of parents and have at the back of my mind the other, "original" set, whom I do not know. Your loss of contact with your brothers has only served to alienate ("abandon") you further. I'm so sorry that you've experienced so much loss. The good news is, your brothers aren't dead. It's difficult to maintain relationships when you weren't close in the first place, especially if your brothers were your adoptive parents' biological children; perhaps you feel that your parents loved their "real" children more than you? I'm glad I don't know what it's like to have a sibling who is biologically related to my adoptive parents; I think that would have messed with my mind too much. A lot of people adoptees fall into this pattern of trying a couple of times to maintain contact with family, but as soon as someone doesn't call them back, or reciprocate in exactly the same way, we feel betrayed and stop all contact until they "shape up." We can keep this up for years, and all it does is make us feel angry, bitter, and guilty. You've already lost your parents; do you really want to lose your brothers, too? It's hard to let go of pride--especially when you feel left out of the loop and are made to feel it by not being given important information about extended family. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you should take a good hard look at how you feel with your life right now. If you are truly unhappy, perhaps it's time to face some of your demons. Counselling can be helpful, especially if you find that your husband doesn't seem to have the same issues that you do. I agree that women seem to need the connection to their birth family more, but there could be many reasons for his lack of interest. My brother (by adoption) lived with his birth family for nearly three years before he was removed from the home; perhaps he had enough time with them to form a sense of self-esteem, and as a result, he hasn't had all the crippling issues I have. My married neighbors are both adopted, and the same is true for them--she was given up at birth and rejected a second time when she tried to reunite with her birthmother, while he was involved in an open adoption and had plenty of contact with his birthmother. Maybe if your husband spent some time with his birthfamily, he may not have the same issues as you. Or maybe he's put on a strong face and just denied himself the right to deal with his emotions. It sounds like you're having a rough time of it at the moment. I empathise with you, and can only say that it's time to get some help--either through counselling or through research or support groups. Whatever makes you most comfortable. Best of luck, beeps.