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Hello I am new to this and could use some help. The person that i love is adopted. He was adopted at birth and his adopted parents have also been through several seperations ultimately leading to divorce. Basically in his current state he uses marijuana frequently, has a strong tendancy to manipulate situations, is strongly against talking about his feelings (leading to flaring of the temper) and is scared to touch or get close to anyone in his life.
It has come to the point now a year and a half later where little or no change has happened. We both freely admitting to loving one another but I have no idea how to approach this. He talks about possibly getting married but is scared of a simple touch? There is little opportunity to just discuss openly as he'll do anything to change the subject and it is stressful trying to find some way to help him when not sure if he wants it. There is no way to get him into professional therapy. People have given up on him and that is the last thing I want to do - but not sure what else to do? Trying to address it directly has never worked.
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You don't mention his age, but generally his feelings are not uncommon for alot of teen and young adult adoptees. Even at age 44, I have issues that my spouse could never understand. She would be of no help if I needed to talk. I have dealt with a wide range of emotions over the years. I have destroyed very loving relationships, pushing female partners, buddies and even my adoptive parents away for no good reason. I often feel it is the "Me against the World" story. I often prefer the loneliness of my own company, even with someone who loves me in the next room. The best thing that ever happened was meeting another adoptee and feeling a connection that I never felt with anyone else. I found a bond that I never had with anyone...not even a "loved one". If counselling is not available, I think a few hours reading some of the messages on these boards will allow him to see he is not alone. I have no real answers for myself, so I cannot offer too much advice to him...but I think he might find some connection seeing that he has real feelings that are not unique. I read threads and see much of myself in complete strangers. There are alot of us with similiar issues. For you, be prepared for anything. You have a life to lead, and you don't want to be faced with his depression,despair or mood swings...even if it is aimed solely at himself. The word "Love" may be spoken by adoptees, but it often is just a word. Actions do speak volumes.
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