Guilt

As an Amom I have no perspective on this other than I have lost a biological child. Not the same I'm sure but I wanted to just say. You should find another counselor and continue to work through this. I'm sure as a first mom you have all sorts of fears about her life. Just remember; she could have a wonderful family and loving parents and be one happy sweet wonderful little girl just like the two I've been blessed to adopt. Was the family open to contact at all? Is there a possibility of reconnecting? Best of luck to you sweetie. I hope some of our great first moms will reach out to you. Your going through the grief that I've seen a lot of first moms go through and for some it never ever goes away.

Thank you for your encouragement.I do know her family, they were with me through the last 4 months of my pregnancy, going with me to my appointments, showed me where they lived and the baby-proofing they did, etc. They're a great couple, but I still have those nagging feelings because I'll never know.Once she was born, we all knew the agreement; contact ceased then.Thank you again for loving your sweet children and being a wonderful mom. It comforts me knowing there are moms like you out there.

I placed my son up for adoption in 1990...and I still carry the guilt. But at the same time, I know with my circumstances-this is what God had planned for my son. It was the right choice. I feel your pain when I read your story...time does help BUT, it never goes away. What I had to do is realize that God didn't want me to just exist -he wants me to live. I have to wake up every morning and say, I choose to be (and think) positive. I thank God for all my blessing and I list them while I am getting ready for work. I ask him to help me control my feelings and refuse to be upset over things that I can't control. Like other people's thougts about me or the fact that my son won't have anything to do with me. If I dwell on my hurts than I go back into my numbness and then I am no go for my husband and daughters. You need to try to surround yourself with people to will lift you up and are positive. If you have no family to support you, then maybe by reaching out here you can find some comfort!

you don't sound like a failure to me, you sound good person/mom material. Guilt seems like it goes along with being a parent whether you allowed your child to be placed for adoption to have a better life or you are dropping your child off at day care because you have to work. My child was adopted 25 years go, seems like a similar situation to what mine was. Anyway I have struggled with those same feelings of guilt and still have a twinge now and then particularly when i hear some woman say "I raised 5 kids by myself on a McDonalds salary and the kids are all in college. I guess i just didn't have that in me. Im OK with that and shouldn't compare myself to others. That woman had supportive family perhaps. My daughter did have an amazing life so the guilt has remained in its place(we did good!). I have more guilt about the kid i brought up as a single parent to be honest. I try to stay focused on the positives. I did manage to finish school and Im doing the work I was destined to do. I might add that i dropped out a few times due to depression and grief but refused to be defeated. I thought to myself "what if my child finds me and saw that I never made anything out of myself?" I wanted her to be proud of me and be inspired knowing she inherited my survivor genes, Ha Ha! I acknowledged guilt and realized i shouldn't fight it but just put in in its appropriate perspective (compartment) and it doesn't define who i am. Don't let it define you. The kid I kept has learned from my example also and is a strong independent person. Allow help if you need it knowing that you are worthy of it. Maybe telling your fiancee would be helpful. You need to know that the people you choose to be in your life are going to support you and love you for who you are. Not to judge you.

I second everything itsmeholly said..... I even walked away with encouragement. Thank you!

This original post had bought up so many memories and feelings that i hd faced and eventually worked through. I had to go back and reread it to absorb it all. after my reread i was struck by something else that was said. "I did attend therapy for a time. The counselor advised me to convince myself a death HAD occurred, as this separation had been too deep. It would be easier for me to move on and grieve loss." This would not be possible. Your child isn't dead and you can't fool your mind. Its hard enough to "move on" when your child actually died. Don't think this councilor has ever given birth (correct me if i'm wrong"). You can't "kill this kid off" and bury your feelings. She's alive and chances in your favor, happy. You may see her again in a few years. I did a lot of burying of my feelings over the years. However,when they came out they came out with a vengeance. I'm not sure how else i'd have gotten through without that defense mechanism. Like you, I experienced those same fears that my child would be abused which was really just an irrational fear probably arose from the loss control of my child's life. I picked the best parents I could and their were absolutely NO red flags. It did help getting updates. Sounds like you picked good parents. That being said, I had a plan for that 1% of worst case scenario. If i found out they ever abused her i would hunt them down and make their lives a living hell. I wonder if maybe you could contact the agency or whoever handled the adoption to contact the Aparents and ask them to send a picture and an update. I think you express yourself very well and could use this ability to convince them. Don't tell yourself your child is dead! Tell yourself she is OK and she is living the life you want for her. She may even be having a better life than you had from the sounds of your unsupportive family. Focus on making your life the best life it can be. Be good to yourself. Healing is an ongoing process. Know that none of us get through life unscathed. Don't allow your load to be heavier than it is.

First of all, thank you for your very first sentence. I haven't felt like a good person or, potentially, a good mother, in years. I love children so much and I always pray I will be a good mother one day. Thank you so much for your relation and explanation of how to make it through. I can't adequately express the comfort it gives me knowing there are others women who feel the way I do and made it through the pain. Of course, that's also why I suppose I feel so weak. Congratulations on completing school! It really is such an enormous accomplishment and I'm so happy you are doing what you love. I often have the exact same thought of wondering if/when she finds me and I never completed school or "made anything of myself." I think that kills me the most. I don't want to be a failure forever. I had/have so many accomplishments, none of which include the completion of my degree which will advance my career. I would rather die than to have her see me with more children and no career in the future. i am so proud of you and your accomplishments inspire me.some woman say "I raised 5 kids by myself on a McDonalds salary and the kids are all in college. I guess i just didn't have that in me. Im OK with that"I feel that so much. I have family on one side who will no longer associate with me because of my decision. They say I gave up, I didn't care about or love her enough. I was selfish and gave her up like a dog. It still hurts because it's still said, (even in letters) 6 years later.If you don't mind my asking, have you established a relationship with your child who was adopted?Thank you again for your encouragement. I am meeting with a new counselor soon who specializes in loss and adoption, and I finally feel a sense of hope in my future.

Also, I've considered sharing this on many occasions with my fiance. I probably need to talk this out with a therapist but I feel like he'll leave one he realizes how truly broken a person I am. He's such a good man and he has an incredible family who is close and loves us dearly. I don't want him to feel that he is marrying an incomplete woman. He deserves better so I try to BE better. I have been reading the Adoptee Restoration blog and something she posted really struck me.I had experienced perpetual trauma throughout life. Detaching had been my life-long response. She explained that the pain was so great throughout my life, I would detach from it, in order to survive.This is so true. I've repressed a great deal of childhood trauma and it's only now coming back to haunt me with new trauma I'm enduring. I just hope I can make it through this.

You should write them a letter and express that you don't want to upset her life or theirs but you would really love a few update photos and general life events shared. And leave it open for them to mail back to you. I believe if they are as beautiful couple as you describe they wouldn't feel threatened by your request. As long as you aren't "Creepy Stalking" them. I don't think you are a failure, you are dealing with more issues than you may even realise. Our brains have self preservation systems hard wired into our DnA if something would jeopardise life it will hide it. I have seen this in myself I was badly abused as a child and on throughout my life and until I got the right therapist so much came out! I now know it wasn't my fault.

First, you are not a bad mother or a bad person. I wish our sons mother was like you. I can't relate in the way others will be able to for two big reasons, I am a man and I adopted. Having said that, I still wanted to share and give you a cyber-hug.Adoption is not what it "used" to be IMO. Our children will know they were adopted (we are two white dads so not easy to hide amnyway lol), I would really have loved to keep bio family in our lives but they truly are not safe. We do keep track of them and their siblings (who are scattered all around) so that one day, when they ask, we can share. Oh, and we keep track via facebook. If I were you, like a previous post said, send a letter. Address is it to the parents and talk to them about the situation...don't make it a plea to see her, know what I mean? Don't come across as demanding or needy, just be honest and pure and put the ball in their court. I might not be saying this the correct way, but I really don't see the harm in writing them. When people write the kids, that I have issue with. Let the parents talk to them about that when they know its a good time. Bad analogy: I wish closed adoptions we're like leasing a car. You know the terms up front and live by them, but in a few years you have the option to extend the terms, maybe negotiate other terms or just walk away, etc... There should be a "check in" point in closed adoptions when there is no safety risk to the child or family. There are registries for adult adoptees and their bio families to reconnect, why not one for bio family and the families that adopted the children. Who knows, they might miss you or want to keep you up to date with pics etc... Most people that adopt do so because they have big hearts and good intentions. I wish I could let you see things through my eyes as an adoptive father. If you could, I think it might help put you at ease. We chose to grow our family via adoption, we had other options. Our oldest came to us as an older teen, not as an adoptive kid, or with a plan to reunite. Our job was to just "keep him in the system so he can get services." A few years later,he is still and will always be our son. He had guilt about adoption (which isnt done yet) and the best way I could put it was like this. We want to grow our family and want him to be a part of it. With that, comes everything about him, including his bio family. We are not here to replace them, now he just has more family! That Dr. is just an idiot, I'm sorry. I don't talk to my bio family and it hurts knowing they are out there and want nothing to do with me. I wish I could grieve them like they were dead. There is closure in death. That also doesn't mean NOT having them around is a bad thing, In fact, its better this way for many reasons. This isn't my therapy session, so I won't get into that lol. Sorry for rambling, it's late and I haven't slept in a few days because of a current foster placement. I tend to ramble when I'm tired.You are a good person. Just having these feelings and being able to express them and having concern for her proves that.Its not natural to just forget and "move on"Please pm me if you want to talk more.