Feeling Selfish

You used the word "demand" when referring to having your emotional needs met. Perhaps part of the problem is how you view the way in which your needs should be met; if you are demanding, that could be a problem. Demanding is what a young child does. Could you be acting as the angry, scared child inside than as the mature, adult you? Do you find yourself feeling like you're competing with his daughter for his love and affection (perhaps the feeling wouldn't be so strong if she were a boy)? If so, you may be slightly confused--unconsciously--about your role in his life, or his role in yours. He cannot parent you, only support you as one loving, mature adult supports another. I am sure that you don't want him to parent you, but your use of the word "demand," again, seems telling to me that there are indeed deeper issues at work. Perhaps you could seek counselling? At the end of the day, if you truly believe that this man is as wonderful as you say he is, and if the feeling is mutual, you should and probably will find a way to work your issues out and make sure that everyone (not just you) is happy--the daughter, too. I'm sure she doesn't want to have to feel like she's competing with you for her dad's love and affection, either. Talking about it openly and honestly with your partner may help. Also, sometimes I find I expect people to know what I want, as if they can (or should be able to) read my mind. To get what we feel we want and need, we must express it clearly and maturely. We adoptees can be bad at that. Best of luck to you. I'm sure you'll get plenty of helpful advice.

I think if you took the time to get to know the little girl for herself, and not as your competition as that sounds like what it may become if you allow the inner little voice on one shoulder to take over. the other voice, to become her friend, may tell you to do a fun art project together, teach her something that you think she may enjoy that you enjoy... you don't say what her age is, but I'm sure you could find something fun to do together, paint her nails, bake something together as a surprise for someone, go for a jog.....just get to know her and the things she enjoys...you may be pleasantly surprised and learn to like her .....for herself... and not as an obstacle for getting what you want.....as in the long run if you don't conquer your jealous feelings...... you will surely lose the prize.

yellow Good advice by both fauxgina and rainmom above....but I wonder if that was the what you were really asking for. Were you really asking if searching for and finding birthfamily would change your "neediness" and give you a greater sense of self? Many adoptees have a problem with relationships. Never feeling connected or worthy of receiving the other person's love. Then again, many non-adopted people have that same problem. I'd suggest you read Journey of the Adopted Self or some of the other books that deal with adoptees feelings and loss. Maybe you could find something that "clicks" with you. There are many people on these forums who could give you a starting point if you wish to search. Either way, looking at our actions and reactions is always a good thing. We can never change anyone else, but we can change how we look at things and ultimately make our own path easier to walk. Ann