The girls that went away

I was recently reunited with my bmother - I was adopted in 1956. While growing up, my aparents never focused on why she gave me up - it was always emphasized that she loved me and gave me to them because she wasn't at a place in her life to be able to raise me the way she wanted me raised. It made sense to me then and, now that I've met her, that is pretty much what the truth is. She is also wanted me to understand that it was a different time, that she really didn't have a choice to keep me, that she did what they told her because they loved her and had always been right. I did ask her once if she knew that she had 30 days to change her mind. She said she didn't remember that but was probably told but there was never any possibity that she would have taken me home. She is very open about most things so I think this is the truth as far as she knows. About the bmother refusing to give the fathers name, that happened to my sister who is also adopted. It definitely bothers my sister and has tainted their relationship. Maybe she never told the bfather and that is why she won't tell or maybe something worse happened. I know it happens and if the mother won't tell, there really isn't much you can do but accept it. My bmother began reading the girls that went away on my suggestion. She was blown away by how well these girls described her feelings and thoughts. So if you read this book, you may get more insight into the way that your bmom felt - but couldn't articulate and now can't tell you.

Just curious, are you interested in hearing from bmoms? Do remember, there are as many stories as there are adoptions. There are many similarities, but each case is unique.

I did read that book, and i loved it. I go to a monthly support group that has adoptees and birth parents and the occasional adoptive parent. I understand that time was different back in 1963 when i was born, i do get that. I guess i just wanted to hear how others felt and dealt with these issues. When i did ask my bmom about bdad all she told me was...well he wasn't the love of a lifetime and at this point what good would it do anyone. She broke up with him when she found out she was pregnant so she never did tell him. She knew that she was ill, with a good chance of dying (lung cancer) I guess i am just angry that she kept that to herself...seems a little selfish. but that's just me venting i guess

It took my bmom a year to finally tell me about my birth. She was 15 and really had no choice. She was too young to raise me. Her grandparents did want to raise me, but my mom's parents refused! It was the best decision. My younger sisters (my bmom's girls) told me how sad they are about not being raised with me. I told them, that if mom kept me, they probably never would have been born. Everything happens for a reason.My mom was very up front about who my bdad was. He died years ago, and they still had "problems". She is not very positive in her talk about him, but I don't take it personally. He died when I was very young, and the rest of the family has since passed so there is no one to "reunion" with, really."The Girls Who Went Away" is a wonderful book! I loved it. It really opened my eyes to what my mom probably went through. And after talking to her, her "story" is similar to the stories of the young women in the book. I encourage you to read it if you haven't already.I am so sorry your mom took your dad's name with her to her grave. What a frustrating thing to happen to you. Maybe there is another way for you to find it?Best wishes!

I'm a birthmom who would gladly tell my birthson his birthfather's name, but it's the only thing that I've managed to forget. I was told to forget, move on etc as so many others were. I've tried so many things to remember, apparently I threw away all photographs (at a time when I thought I would never be in reunion), any letters. There is no trace of birthfather. Makes me crazy! I've told my bson though that he can use the social services agency to search if that is what he wishes (and if he finds him can he please tell me his last name!). That's how I found my birthson and they have all the information there. I'm sorry your experiences were not so good. Good luck in the future.

quantum I am pleased you responded on this thread. I have a couple of birthmother who I correspond with who is in the same position as you (can't name the bfather). She is embarassed and mortified that she can't provide this piece of vital information to her bdaughter and had real shame explaining that it was a very short-lived relationship. She remembers his first name - met him on a holiday, had a "holiday fling" and didn't realise how important the details were until 4 months later when the pregnancy was confirmed. OK - now I'll give the thread back to Adoptees. I hope you don't mind my 2c worth. I am heartened that so many of you have read the Girls who Went Away and can see your bmoms predicament. (Apart from illegal abortion, adoption was my only option ). An enlightened well-read lot here. It doesn't change what was, but through understanding both can work through long held anger and focus on a better future. Ann

who is the author for the girls that went away...love to read it

When I met my bmom when I was 25... my world was knocked out from underneath my feet so to speak. all my life I had been told by my aparents that bmom and bdad were young but in love and that they made a bad decision... hence why i was adopted... that was not the truth at all.Bmom was RAPED when she was 13.... When she told her parents they did not beleive her until it was found out that she was pregnant with me. She had to give me up cause when she had me she was only 14.. Her parents were extremly poor and there was no way that they could have cared for me properly. Now she has given me the information on bdad and I have met him. He is an jerk to the fullest and I do not want anything else to do with him........

I'm sorry, I haven't read the book - I will look for it now. Will it help my confusion - I don't think so. I've been in contact with my birthmother - I was born in 1956 - yes I know times were different - my Parents were 38 when I was adopted so I know about different times - I was raised under them. The things I don't understand are - birthmother was almost 21when I was born, she came East to have me - her mother didn't force her to relinquish me - she had the option of keeping me if she wanted - I know this from my non-id, a Nun at the Catholic Charities had me come in and although the non-id was pretty basic and to the point she did discuss some of what was in the actual file. And I do understand why she gave me up - what I don't understand is how now after 51 years - I am not allowed to come out in public as far as she and her family are concerned. I found her with the help of Ancestry.com and all she was worried about was who knew about me. All I know about my relinquishment comes from my non-id, she wouldn't discuss it - all she was worried about was "her" family finding out (guess I'm chopped liver" I'm told by a Great Aunt that she believes its her husbands doing - I just don't know - I've asked her for the name of my birth father a few times and I've been told "I would rather not go there", " leave it alone"......... Times are so different now - we aren't "family secrets" anymore. hnnybnny: my thoughts on finding my birthfather are: I've posted what I know out on Classmates.com naming my birthmother in the hopes that someone will recognize her name. You say that only your birthmother and grandmother knew about you - are you positive - did your bmom have any siblings? close friends? - they may remember who she dated when she was young - thats what I'm hoping for. The funny thing is - if my birthmother gave up the name of my birthfather I would leave her alone - knowing who I am and seeing who she is, I don't see any real relationship being formed - yes I would like more details and information but she won't give it up - heck even from a medical standpoint (I told her about my colon cancer and how my children need to be tested at 35 and any siblings I have should be tested before 50 - her response was - "there is no such thing as medical predisposition - it is all Gods Will"). How do you fight Gods Will? (funny thing is - wasn't it Gods Will that allowed me to find her?) Good Luck on your search for your birthfather - I hope you find him

The author of "The girls that went away" is Anne Fessler.. it's a powerful book that gives incredible insight into the reality of the "choices" presented to bmoms in the 50's, 60's and 70's... I'd recommend it to EVERYONE touched my adoption.. sal

Hi Faye..so much of what you said sounds so familiar to me as well. My birthmother had 3 younger siblings and she (bmom) was 24 when i was born. She didn't live at home. Her one sister was 20 at the time and she is trying to work on her mother (91 yr old grandma) to find something out. My Uncle was 17 didn't have any type of relationship with her even back then and then my youngest uncle was only 4. I have a picture of all of them together from December 1962..I was born in April 1963 but I was very early...she didn't even look pregnant. No one seems to know the guys name she was dating back then and we haven't been able to locate any of her friends so far. Thanks for responding and I wish you the best luck in everything as well.

:coffee: thanks so much for that. i am about to have a holiday and i need some reading material. i actually had a bit of a meltdown so my older brother is taking me out on his boat for two days...luxury...and then i will stay with him for a few days and fly home. 1st holiday for 21yrs! i am in an anxious stage of reunion. worryng about my b.daughter who is going thru a terrible time after her a.parents separated. i feel powerless

i have also read this book. when i was filling out some registry forms they gave me a list of books to read. well even though that day and age wasnt even around the time i9 was born i still enjoyed the book and couldn't bel;ieve how this girls were made to felt. it was so heart wrenching to here what they went through. i wouldnt have made it through that time. well just thought i would write.. it was an awesome book...:banana:

i am in the process of looking for my birthmother. and my aparents are in the middle of a divorce... i was torn at first and thought i no longer had anyone to call family. but with my boyfriend there by my side i realized i wasnt alone.... i still talk to my a family and see them every weekend i see them more now then i did before the seperation. my mom moved out and let my dad have the house with my brother. so i go and clean my dads house every friday and i stay there till he gets off of work and then i go see my mom . before i barely had time to see them when they lived in the same house. see i live with my boyfriend but now that they seperated it feels like we all are alot closer even though it dint feel that way at the begining at first i thought my whole world was falling down in front of me but now i am ok