Helping our children with their identity

Good point, and observation, thanks Crick! :loveyou:

:) I read your 5 points and also just the other posts of telling your kids positive statements with interest. Funny...I was kind of reminded of my own upbringing. My mom was afraid I'd experience a lot of discrimination due to my disability so she always made a point to "showcase" my talents/traits and even my disability in a way. I was never told "you can't do x because you can't hear". I was able to better deal with the morons telling me "you aren't as good as me" because I knew in my heart who I was. Not to say I didn't feel the jabs etc., but at the core of things, I had a very strong foundation to fall back on, which is what those 5 points reinforce. Now obviously I'm not comparing skin color to a disability..in the sense that there's something "wrong" with having non white skin/culture. Just saying that I do agree it's really important to turn what OTHERS might see as a negative into a positive, regardless of what the difference is. So the 5 points really do hit home for me, and think it could hit home for so many!:)

Very true Crick, I think the points can apply to a lot of situations where the child may be at a risk of feelling inferior or different.

I have posted an elaborate list of books for diversity and self esteem building under the resource section. Wanted to share, since I am building up my library for my family, I need more bookcases. lol

My fosterchild is a beautiful dark brown little boy. I make a point to tell him as often as I can "look at your skin - it is so beautiful. You are so handsome (and he is), kind and smart. Mommy is so proud of you." We actually play a little game... Me: "Who's the best baby?" Him: "I am!" Sadly, at the age of 2, he's come across AA parents in daycare who seem to be a little "color struck". There's a very fair AA girl who simply loves my FS but it is VERY clear that her mom does not want her to even remotely be associated with my fs (or me for that matter). I've tried several times to strike up a conversation and the mom is blanketly rude. Honestly, I was somewhat shocked and thought maybe the mom is just stand-off-ish...but nope - saw her chatting it up one day with another AA parent (fair skinned) parent. It's silly that in 2007 I'm even writing something so ignorant... Hey, maybe it's something other than his (our) complexion. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. Nickchris - Great thread...

Hmm, as you say kill her with kindness, but between you and I, you and ds are too good for her. It is time to put that fair and dark, behind us as well. All skin, hair, status are good.

I am constantly complimenting my dd on her beautiful features, skin, and hair, while telling her that all God's creations are beautiful and made to order by him. Even more so as she's begun to notice (sometimes staringly and embarassingly so :eek: ) and question the noticeable differences in others. It really is extremely ignorant and sad.

Oh gosh, I am loving this thread and getting some DARN good ideas (ya know..REAL suggestions...not crazy ones that some SW's think you should do...and in the end just scare the begeeba's out of ya). I am CC, my son is AA. My little sister was adopted and is full AA. She is very handicapped so doesn't quite "get" the different races but we ALWAYS told her how pretty she was...or how AWESOME her brown skin looked in certain colors. Oh and you should see her after she gets her hair braided. We always make a fuss and she always thinks she's Queen Sheeba! LMAO Of course we also had black friends, pictures, diverse church, etc.... Anyways, because of this I have sort of learned some things from growing up with her. But it WILL be different because Cooper will KNOW...and I want him to be able to identify himself as black, easily, comfortably, yet I don't want it to have to be a "seperation" of sorts from us. By that I mean, I don't want him to feel like he either chooses himself, as a black man, or us, his family, as "white people". I want him to be able to identify with both, at the same time. Does that make any sense? So far I am always talking to him about how beautiful he is, and he can do anything, pointing out black people who are really changing the world...along with interactting with everyday, happy, healthy, black families (as I also think this is important). Sorry to blab away like this...it's a subject I would LOVE to learn more about...oh and I'm very tired so I kinda ramble..hehe

No rambling at all. I get what you are saying, and you are ahead of the game, with helping your ds establish his positive self identity. Parenting in general is all about making the child feel secure in *his or her* family, and giving them the tools to be their ownselves as adults. In short we are blessed with our children to prepare them based on their personality, and needs. As adults hopefully we are their comfort base, and will come to us for a pep talk or guidance. I am not an adoptee, so hard to say how each would feel, since they do have another family connection out there, or if open adoption right there. I do not know how dd will feel later on about us, and we are same race. However, we do have faith that we will always be open to meetign all of her needs as a person.

Kids notice differences real early, be it race, disabilities, size, etc;. IMO its all about what we adults tell them, in approaching these differences as caring people. Again I was totally unprepared to explain to a 4/5 year old why his dad, and I were browner then he, and was he light. Where did my son get this from? it seems this was a constant conversation topic among all the other little peers at his school. What I thought were babies, were really little old men and women. lol I remember while waiting for big ds to get his bag to go home, his little classmate, a 5- year- old redhead ask me with curiosity, how come my baby (little ds) had a light/white face, and darker body? Talk about gathering some information real quick, because I knew she was looking for a real answer. lol His other little classmates, 2 to be exact changed big ds good self esteem/identity real quick. Now big ds had a few years of being the only child, very spoiled, cherished, got attention from us, family, and strangers (he was sooo cute :-) ) They teased him about his lips, saying it was big etc; etc; Talk about damage control for a loooong time after, at 11, he will still ask a question, guaging my answers. We are very careful to not get into any of the negative comparisons that folks can ignorantly say at times to their own kids. This school was private, christian, and had a diverse enough classmate population, even had a couple of the teachers that were black, Asian. I did not work full time, so I was there at activities, and school trips. I thought I had all my bases covered there naive me. Since we live in a predominently CC area, the kids have CC friends, and interactions mostly. We had to do more than talking, and reading. We made sure our home church was AA, and we keep connected with our AA and other folks of color. I belong to a mom of color support group. I started buying a lot of love your hair books etc;, anticipating DD, and it is interesting to see my 11 year old reading the books, and asking me questions. The 5 year old is not as verbal. Another example is of another little 5 year old telling her parents out of the blue, that she could not marry my youngest because he was black, the mom said she almost fell off the chair when she told her that. Mom and I are friends, so we had a long great, discussion wondering where she got that idea from, and about our enviornment in general. I was thankful that she did not tell little ds this, since he had a crush/friendship with her.

I'm not trying to discount your experience but do they know he's a foster child? I discovered to my dismay that everyone at our old daycare knew our business. It is unnerving to have people you don't know from Adam's housecat approach you and discuss your child's foster status. :mad: I had an 18 month old and a baby enrolled there first and people who had 4 year olds knew our business. If we have no contact how do they know? Big mouth daycare workers. The people who approached me were always supportive but I did get the impression from a couple who didn't say anything that they were bothered that foster kids were in their high priced daycare. So keep an eye on those folks... there's always the assumption that foster kids are not worthy of being around their precious children.

Great thread Nick!! DH and I do much of the things that have already been mentioned with our dd. In addition to that, I plan to follow in the footsteps of my grandmother who was the major force in my positive self esteem. Here's just a few of the things she did.1. She always told me that I was smart and would become whatever I wanted. She even went so far as to tell me I could become president of the United States if I wanted.2. Her sons were involved in the early civil rights movement. We had a autographed photo of MLK in our home and she told us stories of the movement and how important it was to our people. In our house it was never just here's the movement and here's what happened. We heard in depth stories of how it "used to be" and the struggle that many were involved in to help our race. She told us early on that our history is so much more than what was in my textbooks at school3. We regularly attended church. Want to talk about surrounding yourself with positive minded AA's. Go to a black church. Nuff said......LOL4. The hair issue....oh the hair issue. When I was younger, unfortunately many AA didn't hold to the idea that all hair is good. If you had a kinky curl or coarse hair, it was bad. If you had a straighter curl pattern or straight hair, it was good. My grandmother did not play that game. She always told us our hair was good and pretty. I can't ever recall hearing in MY house that my hair was bad or too kinky to comb. Now I do have some frightening memories of the hot comb!! But that had nothing to do with any idea that my hair was bad. I think this is so very important to AA girls. The hair thing is a biggie and you know as the old saying goes, a woman's hair is her crown of glory. Reinforcing a girl child's positive attitude towards her hair, IMO is the first step in building positive self esteem and understanding of who she is. Heck really the same holds for boys as well.5. We talked a lot about racism and prejudices in my house. As I mentioned earlier, my family members played a large role in the early civil rights movement, particularly in our hometown. So the subject was always discussed and she made sure that we understood that there are people out there who will not like us merely because our skin was darker than theirs. However she also made sure we understood that although these people may think they are better than us, they were not. And she went on to tell us exactly why. So when faced with racism or prejudices, I had good information and solid history to fall back on. Again thanks for starting this thread. I think this issue is of importance to both AA parents raising AA children and transracial families.

Sleep - Not sure if she knows he's a foster child as most do not know this and he's been there a year. I could have given birth to him - from appearance sake. I agree with your reference to high priced daycare and some thinking "what r u doing here". My daycare is $265/week so that could apply. Funny thing is I have been there for 3 years (other foster children have gone there) and her family is brand new. Again, her daughter can't get enuf of my FS. She's always greeting both of us excitedly. There was one time when I saw them out at a local bakery before I picked up my son. The daughter said, mommy, mommy, there's X's mommy". Mom was standing 5 feet from me and never looked my direction. I simply said "hi baby" and kept it moving. I'm hoping to adopt my FS. Our children will likely go to school together. Watch, her child will probably fall in love and marry my son.. :)

So cool!! with MLK, and the movement. You got a piece of history there L. You brought back some memories. I was raised by my Grannie for a portion if my childhood, and I must say, she never said, nor did I subtly feel a negative thing about my hair, or its texture. She was what folks call today "multiracial", with hair down her back, light skinned, I was a little ginger brown baby, but I was her baby. I remember sitting between her knees as she combed my hair gently. I just knew I was cute, and smart as my grandfather figure told me back then lol. Funny thing was later on I found out how she felt when compared to her sisters who could pass for white, this beautiful, strong woman thought she was unattractive. Our elders were truly the pillars, and passed on the needed strength in us.

Any insight for the older years, preteen and on? dating, driving the family car? peer pressure issues?