Perspective of an AA adoptee

Voices of adoptees, are very important, as they are the children who may or may not benefit from our parenting journey. In another thread, we are discussing giving our children a positive self identity which in turn fosters self esteem. Same race, or TRA, families of adoption are already different, then add the other layers to that, possible attachment issues, cultural identity, and interactions, combination of racial heredity etc;. I like the points about increasing "consistent" recruitment of black families for adoption, and the information dispelling the myth that blacks are not concerned in the adoption of black children. Disclaimer: *I am not against transracial adoption* Raising A Child Like Me, author: Shaunna Jackson Home | Table of Contents | Chapter One Chapter One Chapter 1 WHOEVER SAID, “LOVE SEES NO COLOR”, LIED. I grit my teeth, my fists ball up, and the little hairs on the back of my neck start to prickle when I hear someone say, “When I look at you, I don’t see you as a black person, I just see you and I love you (or care about you) as a person.” So, if you admit that you can see my color, does that make me something other than a person? Why have we become so ultra-sensitive in this society that we cannot even admit to seeing people as they really are? If someone asks what race I am there is no way anyone can say they do not know, unless they aren’t even looking at me. It is my most obvious feature, one I am proud of. If you are a person of color, you have heard this and know what I am talking about. I have never heard a person of color tell a white person, they do not see them as such; that just sounds silly! Color exists to be seen, and that is where the road ahead of me got twisted. My father purposely ignored my race thinking that it would be easier for him to parent me with his other biological, white children. He contends that no matter what, he loves me and I do not doubt that he does. But my question is, to what degree did he love the whole me? We cannot love something we refuse to acknowledge. In all of my life, I felt such shame for wearing the skin that I was given. No one helped me learn to appreciate myself for all that I am. If I was blind and I never saw my skin, would that still matter? Yes! Because no matter what, the world still sees, and the world loves to remind people of their differences. Love is not blind, so whoever said that also lied. Love see all things and is aware of all things, ignorance and infatuation do not. At what point did we decided that it is okay to mentally discard certain aspects of people to make it easier for us to love them, like them, or merely tolerate them? I attempted recently to move a group of White adoptive (trans-racial) parents closer to the awareness that they should admit the color of their children, and not treat them as if they do not recognize the culture they just adopted. Of course this triggered the usual defensive retorts about how Jesus does not see color. To clear things up for anyone wondering, Jesus does see color. His Father created color and Jesus is not, and never was colorblind. This concept became unavoidably real to me as I was trying to figure out why a long distance relationship that seemed right by every measurement was in trouble. I was told that if I could not be seen up close and in person, love was only a positive thought, never to be reality if all of me was not available. A very sincere plea from this person went something like this, “You are doing all the right things and you are the type of person I want to be with, but I don’t want a relationship with a personality, I want the whole person.” My argument for trans-racial Adoption then became this, If you cannot see my color, you cannot see me, therefore, you cannot love me for who I really am. It occurred to me after several weeks of being angry with God for putting a wonderful person in my life, and then holding him at arms length, that the concern is very valid, heartbreaking, but valid. I am the owner and moderator of an online discussion group where the following comments were made: “I am not shocked by what I have seen in my community because of my 3 AA brothers. Most people who I have seen have been extremely excepting. I just think of the age we are in these days it should be accepted. Maybe it is just because I am 16 but I don’t see the big deal of adopting a child of another race. A child is a child. What is the big deal to people? I don’t understand why we can’t or even shouldn’t mix and match races. When I get older I hope to adopt a AA child and I think another important thing to do is teach children about their background and where exactly they came from.” My response is simply this: “No one has said that we “can not” adopt other races, but there are many arguments on the side of why we should not or, ought not. There have been numerous cases against adoption agencies, hospital, and state courts concerning interracial adoptions. “Forty-three states have laws that encourage public adoption agencies to match a child with prospective parents of the same race.” (Holmes, 1995)[1] Again, it is brought up that social workers want to preserve the child’s cultural identities and they often use these laws to keep black children in foster care in order to conduct searches for black families willing and able to adopt. The National Association of Black Social Workers[2] took a position against trans-racial adoption in order to: (1) preserve African-American families and culture, (2) enable African-American children to appreciate their culture of origin through living within a family of the same race and culture, (3) enable African-American children to learn how to cope with racism through living with families who experience racism daily and have learned to function well in spite of that racism, and (4) to break down the systemic barriers that make it difficult for African-American and other families of color to adopt. This position forced childcare agencies to examine their policies and helped to highlight the inequities in the child welfare system that did not give Blacks equal access to Black children. It also made agencies take into consideration the concept of the importance of maintaining the child’s culture and original heritage. Unfortunately, they did not consistently go into the Black community in an effort of recruitment. In the past, Black families were often discouraged, discriminated against, or “screened out” of the adoption process because of cultural misunderstandings, and economic factors (the high fees, low income etc.). Advocates for interracial adoption believed that a Black child could be taught about his or her ethnic background by anyone who parented him or her, regardless of their cultural heritage. The African-American agencies that were formed to help protect the welfare of Black children were not formed in the mid 1960’s when interracial adoptions became more popular. The book Barriers to Same Race Placement[3] revealed that agencies run by African-Americans were successful in placing 94% of their Black child population with African-American families. “Child caring agencies that are having difficulty working with the African-American community need to consult with Black-run agencies to learn their successful strategies. Among others, the success of the Association of Black Social Workers’ Child Adoption, Counseling and Referral Service (New York Chapter), Homes for Black Children (Detroit), the Institute for Black Parents (Los Angeles), Roots, Inc. (Georgia), and the One Church One Child Program (nationwide), have dispelled the myth that Black families do not adopt.” Trans-racial adoptions have increased due to the shortage of White infants and toddlers available for adoption. Contrary to the popular myth, trans-racial adoptions will have little effect in decreasing the large numbers of children in foster care because most of the children are school-aged or are children with special needs. Only four percent of children available for adoption nationwide are infants and toddlers under the age of two (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 1990)[4]. However, the majority of White families who would consider a trans-racial adoption want infants and toddlers. There is no shortage of Black families for such children. It should also be noted, that 44% of the children available for adoption nationwide are White (mostly school-age and/or have special needs). However, there is little discussion concerning these children and their right to a permanent home. There is no suggestion from proponents of trans-racial adoptions that White children who are “languishing in the system,” be adopted by Blacks, or other people of color. Is the increase in trans-racial adoptions a genuine concern about the best interests of Black children, or the “right” of white people to parent whomever they wish? Adoption is supposed to be a service to children and all that comes with being a child of color. I say all of this to say, if you consciously choose to parent a child who is not of your race, you have an obligation to help that child understand the differences, and to be proud of himself for what he sees in the mirror. I remember avoiding mirrors so I did not have to admit that I looked different. I never wanted to be White; I just did not want to be different. I’ve seen and heard enough people claim on national television to be a race that I cannot see; Black people claiming to be White, White people claiming to be Black. We should all be proud of what we see, and in the case of bi-racial children, they still ought to be taught to be equally proud of both races. The option of denying their color and trying to pass as white is also sometimes open, while children with two black parents do not have to deal with this. It seems apparent that in the long run, mixed race children will be helped most if their parents teach them to acknowledge and take pride in their own culture, and help them create relationships with children of the same race. A more serious problem is that the parents themselves do not feel comfortable about the child’s origin. I have found this to be very true in my life. Adult adoptees of all races insisted in discussion groups that they have a human right to know their heritages; I agree. We are demanding more openness in adoptions and are searching for biological relatives and emotional connections. Children placed with families of the same culture and race suffers great loss issues, due to the separation from their biological families. Children placed in trans-racial homes suffer a double loss because they have lost their cultural and racial connections as well; that is if the adage “love sees no color” holds true in that home. If parents continue to maintain that they do not see their child’s race, they are setting that unique being up for disappointment and failure. Many adult trans-racial adoptees report that, once they leave home, they feel that they do not belong anywhere. On the one hand, they are not fully accepted in the White community and—even though they are more accepted in the Black community—they often do not understand various cultural nuances. Race and culture cannot be ignored. The key to successful living in a discriminating, denigrating society is to have positive affirmation with others who are like us. From these people, we can gain support and affirmation. Adopted children desperately need this to learn to cope in this cruel world that turns its head on things it does not understand or want to deal with. The National Association of Black Social Workers (NABSW) has, first and foremost, been concerned with the preservation of Black families. Very little effort has been put forth by the child welfare system to keep families together or to return children in foster care to their relatives. It is much more economical to keep children in their families than it is to fund their foster care. Unfortunately, preventive service programs are in danger of being cut by federal, state, and local governments. Children come into foster care for many reason. To deny help is to deny the importance of strengthening African-American communities to support the positive functioning of Black children. In 1994 the NABSW issued a paper on preserving African-American families. This paper states the organization’s current policy regarding trans-racial adoptions. (1) All efforts should be made to keep children with their biological relatives via preventive services or return those children who are already in foster care. (2) For those children who cannot return to relatives, adoption by a family of the same race and culture is the next best option to preserve cultural continuity. (3) Trans-racial adoptions should be a last resort only after a documented failure to find an African-American home. Trans-racial placements should be reviewed and supported by representatives of the African-American community (NABSW, 1994). For those children who must be placed trans-racially, it must be remembered that White adoptive families become trans-racial families after they adopt “other race children.” Parents must be given pre- and post-adoption services to enable them to help their children cope with racism and culture of origin disconnection. Many trans-racial adoptees maintain their adoptive parents were ill-equipped to help them with these issues, and that their self-esteem suffered. My opinion is the same. My parents chose to do everything their way, never considering that it might not really be in my best interest. Slowly the child welfare system is becoming more culturally competent and recognizes that children will grieve, to some degree, over their biological family and cultural losses. The NABSW launched its “Fist Full of Families Nationwide Adoption Initiative” during the October 1995 Million Man March in Washington, D.C. and has received over 9,000 adoption inquiries in the subsequent six months. The expression of such interest in adoption demonstrates that, for the majority of black children, trans-racial adoptions are unnecessary. The opposition of most black social work organizations to trans-racial adoption may be seen in a statement by the president of the National Association of Black Social Workers (NABSW), “We are trying to maintain our racial identity. The United States is not a melting pot. It never has been and it’s not going to be.”