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I need to vent and I need advice/insight into my situation. My birthmom found me 11 years ago when I was only 23 years old and had just graduated from college and was still living at home. It was not the ideal time in my life, but unfortunately I don't think anytime would have been. When she first made contact she talked to my amom first. My amom told me about the phone call right away and left it up to me to make further contact with her. But I could tell she was DEVESTATED by the fact that she had found me. Her and my dad felt it was a violation of THEIR privacy and wanted to contact catholic charities to see how anything like this could happen. I waited a while and finally decided to make contact. My birthmom sent me a photo album of family pictures and I was amazed at my family resemblence. I shared the pictures with my amom and I could see her jealousy at my joy. I went on to have further contact with amom and also met my adad. We weren't close, but we did see each other periodically. Everytime I would go out or was on the phone my amom got all suspicious ALL the time and said were you with THEM. She was insanely jealous ALL the time. My adad said to me can you see what YOU are doing to your mom. First of all I didn't ask to be found. Second of all don't I have a right to feel joy at the fact of finding out where I came from????? Don't I have a right to a relationship with my birth parents if I choose???? I was not trying to replace my aparents but they just didn't seem to understand. It was a very tough time for me, the most difficult in my life. I felt abandoned by my aparents because of how they acted towards me. I felt like my aparents lack of support was a rejection of me. It was a rejection of where I came from and who I am. I just wish my amom could be more secure in herself and stop needing me to constantly validate her motherhood to me. I would tell her ALL the time that I love her and that she was my MOM, but never seemed enough. through the years I actually have diminished contact with my birth mom and my birthdad has since deceased. and my amom told me that if I had ended up having a close relationship with my bmom it would have killed her. what a selfish thing to say to me in my opinion. Why wouldn't you want your child to get a long with their birth mom. She was happy that my relationship with bmom wasn't that great and to me that is selfish and mean. I have felt very objectified by amom's possessiveness of me. I am not something to own. I am a human being with feelings. a human being who was abandoned and left with no link to who she is. I never asked to be found but I am happy I was because now I finally feel normal. I know where I came from like everyone else and I feel normal. I feel like aparents have taken for granted that they have always lived their lives knowing where they came from. I just feel upset with the my my aparents have handled my reunion and feel very resentful towards them for this reason. We continue to have a strong relationship, but deep down and unspoken I resent them for not respecting my heritage in my opinon and treating me like a possession.
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We are all human.. And we all of us make mistakes. Its easy to stand back and say.. "this is the reason and that is the reason".. when the facts are very clear that adoption and relinquishment and being relinquished.. causes a great deal of pain.. Adoptive parents from the closed era were told to act as if.. and birthparents were told to just forget about it.. It does not work.. that is obvious.. Jackie
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reiscmi
I know this might not be the right place to post my thread but I was hoping for some aparent support and advice. All I keep thinking when I read the threads on here is why couldn't my aparents be more like that. It is so frustrating. My amom has always NEEDED my validation of her motherhood. she is sooo insecure even though I feel I have tried to help her with it. She now says she know she is my mom, but I can tell she is not quite telling the truth. by the fact of saying it would kill her if I had a good relationship with bmom I know she is still jealous of that birth bond. but what really hurts is that she is happy for my pain of not having a closer relationship with bmom. she is happy about that. even though if I did have a closer relationship with bmom I would NEVER run away with her or ever abandon my parents. My aparents I think have always been somewhat ashamed of my adoptive status. My amom has said she barely has talked to her friends about it and some of her good friends she has had for years don't even know I am adopted....
Thank you everyone for your responses. They have offered me "food" for thought and a different perspective that I need. I don't want to villify my amom. She has many wonderful qualities and she was a loving, caring mom while I was growing up (and still continues to be in many ways), but her lack of support regarding my reunion has been hurtful and has felt rejecting to me. I like the idea of using "I" messages with regard to my feelings. I think my amom deserves and needs to know how I am feeling regarding this issue. I think I have been afraid to really be honest with her because of how she reacted so badly with a lot of jealousy at the beginning of my reunion and that pattern has stayed. But I am older, she is older and we have both had time to soak in the realities of reunion and now I need to start being more open with my feelings. like kakuehl said give her a chance to change. It is so hard at times. I have so many mixed emotions regarding my adoption and reunion. I guess all the members of the triad are going through similar struggles so it helps to know I am not alone. I just hope and pray the next generation of adoptees will have an easier go at it, and have the acknowledgement they need and deserve to forge a solid identity in the world.
keuhkel- i do see this "jealous" pattern with my mom in other areas. My husband and I are thinking of moving closer to my mother in law (it would be two hours away from amom instead of 10 minutes right now). and she makes not so joking comments about how she will be loosing me to my mil and how mil will get to see the grandkids more than her. I think my amom tends to be insecure in general.
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It is soooo easy to know the right things to do when you are not in the situation. Adoptive parents are human beings with issues. So is everyone else. WE are not superhuman and we do not have all the right ways of doing things. We get hurt just like everyone else. My daughter was hurt by her feelings of abandonment. Should I hold her to such a high standard as she holds me? Could she not be a little forgiving as I work through my feelings? I certainly have stepped aside so her and her b/mom could heal. My daughter did not handle everything right in her reunion. She tells us of her regrets now. I cut her some slack. Could she and her b/mom do the same for me? No one knows how they will respond to a situation until they are in it. Some are strong and some are weak. We do the best we can. It was very scary for me to have my daughter meet her birthmom and then to have her move in with her and abandon us. How would you feel? How would you handle that situation? Could you really be that supportive? Could you let all your feelings of hurt go? Would you want your child to be frustrated and angry because you hurt?
It hurts to have sooooo much expected of me. My daughter expected me not to be angry or hurt. I had to be supportive, patient, and always showing unconditional love as she lashed out at me and happily spent time with her birthmom. I bet if I didn't show any emotions she would have said I didn't care. I was expected to step aside and let her do what she needed to do with no concern for me. All her "I love you and you are my mom and don't worry" words meant very little because her actions proved different.
Love4,Sometimes I believe just being a mother is a no-win situation! I read the same cry from many birth moms as well. As I read the threads I see the cries of pain from many birth moms whose birth children have raked them over the coals in anger and seem to believe that if birth mom really loves him/place her, they'll meekly "take it." For that matter the bioson I raised seems to believe that it's appropriate to rake me over the coals because of my "mistakes" in raising him. And I think you're right, if you had expressed any emotion over your daughter's actions she would have been upset. As I said, it's a no win situation. I have to admit that all I know to do is love them unconditionally, prayer for them, and wait in hope for them to mature and learn wisdom. It is sad, as well as painful for you, that your daughter doesn't realize how much she is losing by pulling away from you. As a birthmom, it was my hope that a relationship with D would enrich all our lives. I seem to say this a lot recently, but maybe because it was my own decision and not something I was forced into, I have not had any thought or desire to separate D from his afamily. In fact it would upset me. (The good thing is that D has not wanted that either.) I think his mom was afraid of it for a while; I think (hope) she's more comfortable now after 2 years. I ache for your pain. I hope you have found this a place where you can find some support. Wishing you peace.
Thanks Kathy, I just want others to see an adoptive mom's side because there aren't many here who will speak up. I want others to see that I am human and I make mistakes. I struggled to be everything that my daughter wanted me to be and I don't deserve to be criticized for it. Adoptive parents do the best they can with what they know. We should be sensitive to all sides. This is a very sensitive time for all not just for one. My daugther has come around and we have done some healing so things are not all that bad now. I don't have the pain I did in the past. I want those who have not heard an adoptive mom's side to hear it and understand it. I agree Kathy with all you said. You are a kind women and I thank you for your understanding and I appreciate your posts. I learn from birthparents and adoptees and they can learn from me.
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love 4 - boy do i wish my amom and you could hook up... I think it would do her a world of good to talk to other moms in a similar situation to know she is not alone in her feelings. As a mom myself, ( my children are still quite young) I know that parenting is no easy task and when you add on the dynamic of adoption and reunion it becomes something Very complex.. and unfortunatley their aren't a lot of mothers who can relate to the situation... I often think my mom probably feels so alone in her situation. I DO feel empathy for her.... even more so after reading your post and thinking to myself... maybe I have expected too much of her. Maybe I need to change the way I express my feelings to her.. I am glad love 4 that things are finally improving with you and your daughter and i hope they continue to... now i need to start working on my mom and I's relationship....
Reiscmi, Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I hope everything works out well for you. I did feel sooooo alone and helpless. My family didn't understand. I am thankful for the adoption forum which helped me tremendously to see all sides of the adoption triangle. I was able to better understand my daughter and her birthfamily. I was able to let go where I never thought possible. I met other adoptive moms in similar situations and we have supported each other. I am thankful to all the birthmoms who responded and showed such respect and even they supported me. I am thankful to all the adoptive adults who responded and had empathy. It helped me to change and become stronger. I thank you all. I wish the best for all of us. I hope that in telling my story that it may help others too see another side. I want to be a support also. Take Care reiscmi! I sent you a pm!
I haven't read all of the posts so I hope I'm not repeating.I do know that education was done differently for adoptive parents 20+ years ago than it is today. I believe people were taught that if you just ignore it, forget it, etc then it will go away. Just ignore that the child has another family and the family will disappear.I know not all people were taught this and not all believed it. I do know some who were, tho. I go to church with an elderly lady who just can not fathom why I support my children (ages 6 yrs and 3 yrs) knowing their First Families and having pictures, etc. She can't understand why I send letters, pics and try to set up visits.I am not trying to turn this into an open vs closed adoption. I kind of have one of each. I am just saying, maybe your parents were taught that if they forget it it will go away? You know, like the big elephant in the room that no one talks about? Maybe your Bmom contacting your Amom has brought out some old insecurities.I am sorry you are experiencing this. Do what you need to do regarding reunion and hopefully your Mom will come around. She will probably need time to absorb it and to realize that your First Mom, while being a vital part of your life, is not a threat and can not replace her in your life.I hope things go a bit smoother for you soon. I will keep you in my prayers.
reiscmi, first of all, I am sorry that your amom has not supported you in your reunion. i can tell you that my DH is adopted as are his two siblings. when my SIL had a reunion with her birth mom, my MIL was so wonderful about it...really, truly supportive. she says that for her it was really cathartic because it helped her to "know" her daughter in a way that she couldn't have otherwise. recently, my DH told MIL that he has located his birth mom and may contact her...again, she was totally supportive. that said, I can understand how HARD it may be, especially for a parents from the closed generation. as an a parent from this generation, i have TONS of support (online and elsewhere) and I still have some insecurities, etc. (and we have an open adoption with DD's birth family). and for alot of parents from that generation, i think there was this sense that reunion = rejection. they really weren't "equipped" to understand how important learning about birth families, medical histories, "heritage," etc. may be for their children. btw, these are not your issues AT ALL, and it makes me sad that adoptees sometimes feel like they can't be honest, etc. because they are worried about hurting their a parents. is there any way you could talk to your mom about how you are feeling that she is objectifying you? i have had a really strained relationship with my (bio) mom, but I find that even though it's not easy, confronting her usually helps to make things better.... Good luck to you!
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maybe the closed adoption era wasn't equipped to handle reunions but it is what it is. It was the best for the times. It is wonderful that some adoptive parents can be sooooo supportive which I know I was but everyone deals with things in their own way and no one is to be made to feel guilty because they struggle. My oldest daughter struggled with adoption issues and my second and third do not. Should I make my oldest feel something is wrong with her because she had a hard time with adoption? My oldest was able to be very honest with me. I listened and understood her needs. I allowed her the freedom in her reunion. It was not easy but I didn't let her know all my insecurities because I loved her and didn't want to add more to her plate than she already had. Maybe my hurt was not her problem at all but I taught her to have empathy for others. To me it was selfish of her to make herself happy without considering the sorrows of another. It was not the reunion that hurt so much but the sneakiness, the lies, the not responding to any of my calls and more which caused feelings of rejection. I have forgiven her time and time again because I love her. I understand that we do things sometimes without concern for others. Did I think this would ever happen?? Not on your life. I was the very involved mom who did everything for my girls and still do. Family is very important to me. Also it was important to me if they wanted to search that I would support them and I have. That doesn't mean it won't hurt. Does anyone really know how they will respond when reunion comes? Could you handle your child now wanting to spend their holidays with their birthfamily and not you? Could you handle them living with their birthparents and not wanting anything to do with you? Do you think it won't happen because you have loved so much? Do you feel that confident? I was when my kids were young. Could kids in open adoption get angry at their adoptive parents when they can't get a car or do what they want and walk off to live with their birthmom? The teenage years are very hard for parent and child for many. It sounds so easy until it happens.
my amom told me that if I had ended up having a close relationship with my bmom it would have killed her. what a selfish thing to say to me in my opinion. Why wouldn't you want your child to get a long with their birth mom. She was happy that my relationship with bmom wasn't that great and to me that is selfish and mean.
Your mom's feelings and insecurities are sad, and they are not your problem. However, they ARE normal and valid.