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We did the AT thing with our oldest, but had to pay $8,000 for a one-week intensive and 3 or 4 follow-up appointments since the therapist wouldn't work with insurance and our insurance wouldn't reimburse for an out-of-network therapist. Thankfully after 15 months now of at-home followup (just Dad and I), K seems to be making great progress and is now seeking to please us more, feels bad about disappointing us, and lies a lot less. (She's a great "story teller," but she only half listens, so it could just be an IQ thing.)
Meanwhile, our now 8-yr-old A, who was diagnosed with RAD (incorrectly?) at age 4 is having a rough time at school. Her kindergarten year here (repeat, age 6) went well...no acting out at school...very quiet/shy/anxious. Then 1st grade arrived and just as K was settling down, A began to act out (the current play therapist warned us this might happen). She began stealing food from kids' packed lunches and eating in the classroom bathroom. She also pilphered items from bookbags (candy that had been given as rewards, pencils, erasers, glue sticks, broken crayons, even one girl's allergy medicine!). She chewed all of these items, leaving nibble marks. Teacher discovered a garbage bag full of these items in her desk in early Spring and immediately removed private bathroom privileges (she had to go with the class to the large, stalled bathroom instead). Teacher also put lunchboxes up and away. And yet she continued to steal other kids' erasers, pencils, etc. She ended the year badly and the teacher called a conference with this year's teacher. Unfortunately that teacher bailed at the last minute, so we had to meet with her 2 days before school began this year and begged her to speak with last year's teacher. (I don't think she has, yet.) She acted surprised and unsure if we were just nuts, but agreed to be on the lookout. When the first week passed with no missing items, she let her guard down. Grr.
So....yesterday a note came home saying that for the past few weeks A hasn't been doing her work in class. She's often looking around the room, fumbling with her pencil, just messing around not doing her assignments. They also had a substitute the past few days and she managed to con the woman into several bathroom breaks. The result (I believe) was quite a few stolen items I found in her desk this morning when dropping her off for school.
But what gets me is that every single item was chewed or "torn" (A claims). The erasers definitely have teeth marks as does a silver metal pencil clip that held an eraser to the pencil. That thing was chewed so hard and for so long that the metal melted and mangled!)
Is this stealing/eating/chewing an attachment thing? She doesn't eat paper, dirt, or other odd things, so I doubt it's PICA. Could stealing and eating be a way for her to exert control over her classmates? Is the chewing just an obsessive anxiety reliever, and unrelated to the act of stealing? (I don't think she chews her own things, but quite a few of her own crayons had paper torn off that she might have eaten.) Her play therapist said she's just "highly anxious" and that she's "eating other kids' food and objects to fill a void." Hmm. Do you AT veterans agree with this? I should note that she has ALWAYS lied to us about these things, telling us she's not stealing (even with evidence on her face!), but her play therapist said that "kids lie to avoid getting in trouble" and "kids lash out with aggression and violence because they haven't developed the skills to deal with anger and frustration" (this after K stabbed A in the forehead with a pencil a few weeks ago...she definitely has impulse issues).
Basically, I need to find out if A has Attachment Disorder, or just other anxiety/depression issues? She doesn't have many friends, and the ones she does choose tend to be "haughty" little girls (who make fun of other kids). A also has a Bratz doll obsession even though we've made it clear that we are not a Bratz-allowing family. (She didn't know what a Bratz doll was before entering school here!) She ties her shirts up to show her belly, pulls her pants down to show her butt, etc. AND she has been boy crazy since kindergarten, chasing boys and saying "so-and-so is my boyfriend." If she were a bit older, I'd think this was normal pre-teen behavior. But at 6 (and now 8), it seems a tad sexualized. Then again, MOST of her peers behave this way, so she may just be imitating. She doesn't act out with Dad or any other adult men, thankfully, so sexual abuse isn't suspected.
Sorry for so much info...just trying to figure this out and not getting much help from therapist. I'll e-mail Radzebra to see if there's an AT therapist nearby who takes insurance. Otherwise, we won't be able to afford AT for A if she needs it. Thoughts?
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What I like about AT is that it allows the child to deal with and process emotions in a safe manner and safe environment - traditional talk therapy doesn't do that - i.e. just talking about the emotion will not process it. To try to make a long story short (and you probably know this already), any child who goes through some type of trauma (including removal from the birth home) will "stuff" the feelings that occurred during the trauma deep down in their psyche - 1) to a child, the feelings (negative) are so intense they believe they will die if they experience the feelings, and 2) most of the children from fostercare have not had healthy relationships to learn healthy ways of expressing negative emotions - hence the acting out. Those negative emotions (and the unhealthy means of coping) will continue to influence the child from deep within until they are processed. From my own experience, my childhood traumas didn't get resolved with traditional talk therapy - I had to process the emotions from the past to really get past their hold on my life, which I was finally able to do with my son's AT. Whether your child is AD or not (it's hard to tell from what you wrote, plus I'm not a therapist), she obviously has some huge negative emotions she needs to deal with. I would take any adopted child to an AT, whether they had attachment issues or not. The insurance thing is awful, I know. Our son's AT is not in network, either, so they only cover half. The AT tried to get into the network, and was told that the company's allotment was full for this area on marriage and family therapists. Yet, no one else in this area provides this type of therapy!!! Fran
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The biting thing may just be a form of a sensory disorder. Is she overly sensitive to tags in her clothing? Does she have to touch everything? Does she love the way smooth things or rough things feels? You may not know but as a baby was she overly sensitive to light and noises? Maybe even now, large crowds or excess noise easily distracts or confuses her. I teach first grade and had a kiddo who ate things like erasers, bits of paper, etc.. (The real challenge came when I found her with a staple in her mouth.) We did two things: immediately after the staple incident (same day) I arranged for our class to have a snack but withheld the snack from her. We discussed the logical consequence of bad things in our mouth means no good things later. I also made sure to follow up later after several day with no problems with a snack just for her. I also gave her a stretchy keyring (the kind that fit on your wrist but are plastic and stretchy like a curly cue). That is her chew toy so to speak. If she feels the urge to chew, I want her to chew on something appropriate. She ended up repeating first grade and is doing much better but she still has occasional urges to chew on things. My other question would be about the food. Does she horde food at home or is that just a school issue? With kids adopted from 3rd world countries, food hording can be related to lack of food in their home countries. Kids from foster care can exhibit similar hording behaviors. I've heard people say that having food always available can help as it allows the child to let go of their fears about not having enough food. If it's just a school issue, than it would seem to be more than a hording issue. If you were seeing it at home too, it might be worth a try to have a bowl of healthy snacks available in her room, on the counter, maybe even in a special place at school. (If you knew this was the issue and could show the school why you wanted such accomodations made. As a teacher, I can tell you without evidence about what you think is wrong, you may very well get wierd looks because they won't really understand what you are talking about.)
Hoarding:
No, she doesn't do it at home. However, she does complain of hunger alot more often than her sibs; but it's usually around mealtime now. (It used to be 5 min. after eating a meal..."I'm starving!") We do have snacks on the counter (a fruit/veggie bowl). I also give them a snack after school, before beginning homework.
Sensory?:
We haven't seen the symptoms you mentioned, and we were required to complete a SID evaluation sheet when she was first evaluated for OT/PT a year ago due to constantly falling down and banging into things. She qualified for PT (core muscle building), but not for OT (fine muscle improvement...odd, since she has poor fine motor control). The evaluator said she didn't appear to have SID based on our eval answers.
Schoolroom stealing & chewing:
My greatest concern at this point is WHY is she taking these items? She has plenty of pencils, erasers, crayons, and glue sticks in her desk, so why does she feel the need to take them from other kids' desks and/or cubby boxes that are kept in another part of the room? It does sound like a hoarding instinct, yet she didn't do this at all during kindergarten. Of course they didn't have "desks" that grade, and kept their pencil boxes on a wall shelf, so she would have been visible while stealing...maybe this was a deterent.
Anyway, it's just an odd thing that I can't find an answer for...and her play therapist is no help at all. We are so in need of an affordable, quality, local attachment therapist!
I definitely don't know the answers to your questions but I can give you a few Band-Aid type suggestions that her teacher might try. They don't get to the root of the psychological issues but they might help in the short term at school. Get rid of her desk! She's using it inappropriately (to hid stolen items). I had someone in my room who I swear was a pick pocket in another life so I took away his desk. I turned it around so the cubby part was facing away from him and then found another place for his supplies, out in the open where hiding is obviously harder. Where is her bookbag? Is it being stored by the other children's book bags? Move it into a total different spot so that she has no reason to go back by the other children's stuff without permission. I would also then intentionally set up situations for her to go back with the other children's stuff and be successful at being around their things without stealing. Highly monitored of course with conversation about being by others things but leaving them alone. Also if her backpack was moved to a more visible location then after a period of positive behavior with that, put two or three other backpacks around hers and give her a chance to show that she can have other student's things around without stealing. If she is having trouble staring into space/not getting work done, get a timer and use it to encourage her to get her work done. Get the whole paper done before the timer goes off. (Like set it for 2-3 minutes.) This is going to sound like an obvious but see if the teacher has moved her to a place that the teacher is close to when she does the majority of her teaching and subsequent work time. I know teachers can't always be right beside her but if she's got her stuck as far away as possible then that may not be helpful. Or it may be if she is easily distracted and that's keeping her from getting her work done. If it seems like distractions from the classroom are creating problems, a special space away from the class with a cardboard study carrel may help her. Being away from windows and doors where other distractions are is also helpful. Often my students like that have two spaces, one where they sit with the rest of the kids' desks and one away from it all for distraction free work. It's one of those trial and error things. Sometime it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I know those don't really solve the problem but as a teacher those are things I would do just to make my life easier. I also know that there are teachers who really only teach to the "best/brightest/nicest" students in the room and really do little to accomodate those who need some help to be successful. Also, know that she is not the only first grader in the world to do the things you are saying. It doesn't mean she wouldn't benefit from help; that's not what I am saying. But your little girl is not alone in the things she is doing. I've had students do all of the things you've described. You are not alone.
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Great ideas, kayder! Unfortunately, this teacher doesn't seem to willing to accomodate. She suggested a conference with us (after I was "cleaning" my child's desk and finding all of the items). She actually asked (somewhat timidly), "Do you give her positive praise, too?" :hissy: Duh... And then as we were leaving, "She's such a sweet little girl. Please remember that." Ugh. :(
The therapist suggested later that the problem is that in comparison with many other kids, ours just slips under the radar. She's quiet, and "sweet," and "pretty." (Something we hadn't even considered.) Therapist suggested that some teachers might take her under their wing and try to nurture/fix her and "protect" her from "overbearing, controlling" parents. I think that's what happened last year, too, until the teacher found A's stash in her desk (food wrappers from kids' lunch boxes, other kids' erasers, glue sticks, etc.). Last year's teacher then seemed very hurt (she apparently took it personally, or maybe she just felt guilty for thinking we were too controlling, only to find out that we knew what we were talking about and had adequately warned her. She became much more communicative with us after that!)
Anyway, I'll certainly suggest these ideas at parent-teacher conferences next week, but I'm not holding my breath. I just wish teachers could receive CE credit or in-service training to understand mental health issues in children with trauma histories.
I'm sorry you aren't getting support from school. Your therapist is probably right that if your daughter isn't being overly disruptive, than it's easy for the teacher to ignore the behavior. And having been there, I know sometimes as teachers, we're doing all we can to keep our heads above water so that may be where that teacher is at too. Wanting to do better but just not having enough time in the day to do it all. Being a teacher is a lot like being a parent; you do the best you can and it's not perfect. I have to say my experience with a foster child and now my own preparation for our baby from Haiti have made me a better teacher. I defintely have much more empathy for kids who are bounced around their whole lives; having a 6 year old cry herself to sleep every night because she wants her real mom and doesn't know why she has to sleep at a stranger's house somehow changed my heart. It doesn't mean they get to act out; it just means I feel like I've gotten a glimpse of that "my life is out of control, I'm scared most of the time, I don't know how to say what I feel" side.