Tuesday Topic - How involved are you?

Oh Ed-Dad, You shouldn't feel rotten. You do a wonderful job with your daughter I am sure of that. I am sure your daughter loves you very much...I know I watch her the second 1/2 of the week...Love, Your Wife

DH shares and equal responsibility in raising the boys. For the most part we have always had a somewhat opposite schedule and he took care of them in the day and I did at night. We think that Bear is VERY much a Daddy's boy because Dad was home with him after his placement with us, and Bug is more a Mommy's boy because I was home with him after placement.

My dw and I have just started the process to adopt a waiting child, hopefully between toddler and pre-school age. We waited to start a family for school and careers to settle and finally feel that we are in a good place in our lives to start raising children.My question is this, from an AF point of view, what do I need to do to be involved without suffocating my dw who telecommutes from home.Should I plan to take time off from work when our child first comes home? Should I just come home earlier than usual? Or should it be business as usual to help set up a routine?The books on the subject tend to conflict and nearly all of them focus on the adoptive mother. While I'm excited about adopting, the closer we get, the more I worry that I won't have the skills to be the kind of father that I want to be.I'd appreciate any advice on or off topic that you all have.

Sgt-Pt - I would say, talk to your wife about it. In my situation, they were newborns, so having him home fo the first while would be great - to help with the lack of sleep. But with a toddler?? If it were me, then we would probably take some time off - a week or two, to get to know each other. With some fun activities and outings, mixed with quiet down time, like reading stories, etc. Then hubby would go back to work, but be home a little early each night. He gets home late - like 6:30, and the kids go to bed at 7:30. With a new child especially, there should maybe be more together time than that, to help build the relationship. Anyway, everyone is different, so you and your wife need to coordinate that one. Don't know what to tell you for sure. Good luck, by the way! Do you have a child in mind already?

DH stayed home with DD for her first nine weeks. She came to us at 4 days old. They formed a great bond in that time, but so did DD and I. I don't think there's a magic answer. Incidentally, I, too, was adopted as an infant and my Dad did not stay home with me. But he and I had a life-long bond, a very strong one.

We do what we like to call "tag-team parenting", lol. I work day shift and DH works evenings. One of us is always here with the kiddos. We have our days off together so we can mak time for ourselves as well. So, he is a one man Daddy Day Care now that we have 3 little ones 5 and under.

I'm completely hands on with my son, age 4. When he was an infant, my wife would work evenings three nights a week from 7-11pm. It was a great experience for our entire family. To have the time alone with him is something I'll treasure the rest of my life. It gave my wife the independence and confidence to get back into the working world. It also gave her confidence in my parenting abilities. Ever since he arrived in our lives though, we've divided the responsibilities as evenly as possible. When he was in diapers, when I got home from work I did every diaper during our remaining waking hours. Afterall, when I was at work, it wasn't like my wife could ever hand him off, or even negotiate with someone to take turns. During sleeping hours, I still did at least half of those diapers as well. We've always worked things out very evenly in that regard. As the boy's gotten older, I've transitioned jobs to one that allows me to be really flexible with my hours, so I can take time for special events at preschool etc. It's fantastic. My wife is a SAHM, but works part time when our boy's at preschool and that just creates a great balance for all of us. I've also been coaching his preschool age sports teams, two seasons of soccer and one baseball so far. That's been amazingly rewarding!

Thanks for checking in, Paul. It's great to see another dad involved with the day to day care of our children. I continue to learn new and amazing things every day.

Hi all. A-dad here. I'm not a SAHD buy DW is a SAHM and she loves it. When our DD was first placed with us I took a 2 week leave and loved every minute of it. I actually hated going back to work and did the best I could to pitch in. For instance, once I came I home took care of DD while DW could rest or do other things she wanted to do. I handled bed time, last bottle and any wake-ups up through midnight. Then I took any wake-ups after 5:00 AM. This actually worked well because DD was sleeping through the night with only one wake up before midnight and then usually not again until around 6:00 AM. That gave me first and last feedings of the day plus spending time with her when I got home. Not the best but the best we can do for now. Now, at a year old, I'll take DD outside for a walk (yep - she's walking already!) when I get home. We'll play in the family room, toss pots and pans around together and as long as I'm home from the office in time I'll feed her dinner. Most nights I'll give DD her yogurt "snack"...then up to bath time, pajamas, bed time story, bottle and bed. DW and I split the both duties just because we both love seeing her play in the tub. Weekend I try to take on more of the responsibilities for DD to give DW a break...but we basically end up splitting things down the middle because we both just love being with her and playing with her. In essence, I think I'm pretty involved but would love to be more involved if the work day permitted it.

Thanks for adding your story, Rob! My DD is getting to the age (almost 3) where she can be really difficult sometimes and really fun and cuddly at other times. I have a difficult time when she tries to assert her independence and is very defiant. Most times she is the greatest little girl in the whole wide world. One thing we have started recently is watching Cubs games together. I was born and raised on the north side of Chicago and that automatically makes me a Cubs fan. I used to watch the games with my Mom when I was little and have started doing that with Katie. She still doesn't understand most of the game but she does know the names of several of the players. It's a hoot to hear her say Kosuke Fukudome. My mom has gotten a big kick out of it and is looking forward to watching a couple of games with her when they come to visit this summer. Someday I'd like to take Katie on a road trip and take her to a game at Wrigley Field.

Rob -- first off congratulations on your adoption. As a "waiting to become" an Adoptive Dad who's family has been waiting going on 16 months now, it's always encouraging for me personally to see those time lines that read Finalized! Gives me hope. As a second note -- sounds like we have very similar parenting roles/perspectives. My BS is 4 and he wants to do everything with his Daddy when I'm home from work, so my wife gets a pretty good break as long as I'm around. Ed -- Big baseball fan, eh? We are in our house too. We're big Durham Bulls fans. We'll catch 15 -20 games a season. Such a great family friendly environment. Right now my son likes to watch an inning, then go explore the park for a while. Come back, catch another inning, then go explore again. It's fun. Have a good week everyone. Paul

I'm very involved as a father to my two adopted daughters. So much so that my wife and I adjusted our work schedules to accomodate the needs of our children. She works days at a doctor's office 4 days a week- and I work overnights at a switchboard of a local hospital. I sleep during the day, so when the kids are home from school, I'm there to help with their homework, cook dinner, get chores done with them, etc. I wouldn't change it for the world. Challenges do come up- as both daughters never had good role models for fathers in their lives and I think I've had to work that much hard to gain respect in the household. They do respect my wife more, but it's a work in progress. I do feel there are times I wish I had the support of other adoptive fathers, as I think there are lots of groups for mothers but fathers often feel the struggle of developing these healthy relationships. Would love to hear more from others... learning day by day. Matt

Personally I love seeing (reading) how involved all of you fathers are! I was adopted around the age of six and have absolutely no memories of my bdad. Lots of my bmom though. Found out years later that the lack of memories was from lack of attention. No hugs, kisses, playing, games, no hellos when he got home from work and no good byes when he left. It saddens me to see the lack of attention some fathers give to there kids today because believe it or not some still believe it's "moms" job to care for the kids. My husband and I are adopting and I KNOW he is going to be amazing! I see him around our friends kids and it melts my heart. Thank you! It makes me happy to see such wonderful dads! :flower:

my husband is not yet addicted to the forums, but he does equally parent. He has the morning shift: packs her lunch, makes her get dressed, feeds her breakfast, plays for a bit, and drops her at school for 9am. I have the evening shift (he works in the afternoon/early evening). He puts her to bed Sunday night; I do breakfast on Saturday morning. On the weekends, we all go to gymnastics class.

I am very involved! I take DD too and from Daycare. If she wakes up in the middle of the night I tend to her. I do bath time most of the time. I read her stories, talk to her, sing to her and always make sure all her supplies and food are ready for daycare. I do her laundry and I make sure that she always has enough diapers and everything. DW actually feels kind of left out a lot. :eek: I am just so happy to be a Dad that I can't help myself so all I want to do is make sure that she is always okay!