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folks. Am I being overly sensitive?
My Mom instincts are going off the last couple of days. But I can't hone in on what the problem is.
I feel so insecure about alot of this. So much of the things we are going through with him, I've never dealt with before: never had a teen, much less a teen boy, never dealt with drugs, never dealt with a kid who has attachments to birth parents.
It's subtle stupid things that bother me. I posted about our great weekend. Tuesday we went to his Orchestra concert. I rode home with him that night so that I could put some gas in his car. He didn't have much to say. When we came home, we both fixed something to eat. I sat at the table to eat, he usually does too. But instead he took his plate of food and sat on the couch by Coach. So I get up to go sit between them (usual thing for the three of us to sit there together and watch TV). He gets up to get some dessert, and takes that to the table to eat it. Then he went downstairs without saying goodnight.
Coach went to bed, and I went downstairs to see what he was doing. I tried to talk to him a bit...just chit-chat. But he clearly didn't want to talk. He wasn't sullen and angry...just distant.
Last night he went to his grandparents house for his birthday. He was gone all evening...didn't come in until 10:45pm. We went straight downstairs barely saying anything, and he had his hood on his sweatshirt pulled up around his face.
I hadn't seem him all day.....really hadn't seen nor talked to him much the last two days. He had his laptop out, and music playing on his earphones. I tried to ask him how the visit with his gps went....did they get him a present, etc. He wasn't sullen or hateful, but again very distant giving one word answers. I asked him what was going on. He said he wasn't ignoring me that he just wanted to be by himself and listen to music. So I went back upstairs. Almost as soon as I did, he put the music up and started playing PlayStation.
He's left the last two mornings wayyyyy early for school. Before I am even dressed.
Coach thinks he's smoking pot before school and possibly was last night too. He thinks that's why JB is avoiding us....and in particular me. I think I know him well enough now to know how he acts when he's smoking, and I don't really think he is.
Sometimes....alot of times....I wish I could see inside this kid to see what's really going on. I'm wondering if I need to back off completely for a while....see if he misses my attention and will come looking for me eventually. Or do I need to keep pressing him......keep the gentle pressure on for him to be a part of the family.....let him know that I won't just go away if he ignores me. Should I be calling his counselor and asking her these questions? Do I just need to take a chill pill? I'm a mover and a shaker, it goes against my nature to not tackle things head on.
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I don't really have any answers for you, but it could be several things, he could be smoking again, or he could be just a little depressed from the visit. Visiting with his grandparents may have reminded him that his family is seriously messed up. Maybe there is a girl. My son's high school has something called Zap, where if they have a late assignment they have to go to school early, also if they are not getting good grades they have to go in for tutoring before school. I wonder if he might not want you to know if such a thing is going on. I think it's easier for him to bond with coach, that's a relationship he understands. The fact that he is calling him coach at home (I am guessing since you are using that term too) tells me that he wants to have that relationship with him. However, you are another story. You are trying to be what can only be described as a mom. Mom's are a scary concept to him, you love them and then they leave you. They may abuse you or allow you to be abused. (even abuse they don't know about is moms fault, since it's her job to take care of you when you are a kid) Anyway, he may want to be close to you, but he is terrified of it too. He will fight it. Of course when he is down is the most likely time he will want to go back to drugs, since they offer a temporary escape from the feelings that he does not want to feel.
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I'd bet on the pot smoking before school.
As for the attitude, birthdays are hard for kids who feel abandoned by their mothers. It's a hurtful reminder for them-especially kids whose parents could contact them but choose not to.
I would give him a bit of space, but I think I'd give him some coaching as well. I tend to tell mine-It's polite to say goodbye when leaving-could you try that? Same with hello, how was your day?
While we all get in moods sometimes, manners and respect are required. Ever Read Kathyrn Leslie's "When a Stranger Calls You Mom?" She's big into coaching to create 2 way relationships.
I also would bet on the drugs. Sounds like it to me.Like Lucy, I require manners and respect. Also responsible. That doesn't mean my teenagers have to love being with me, but they do owe me respect. When I speak to them, I expect them to acknowledge. I would be very upset if when I walked into a room, they walked out. Or if I sat down next to them, they moved. I don't expect a long drawn out conversation, but a "how are you" or "hi mom".
[FONT=Georgia]"God grant me the serenity [/FONT][FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif] to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. [/FONT] [FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace......"[/FONT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT] [FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]--Reinhold Niebuhr[/FONT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][FONT=Verdana]Recently, with some of R's behavior, we had to learn to back off completely, and were told by the AT to treat R like a boarder in our home. My version (since I have a hard time backing off) is being more distant yet maintaining a positive, loving atmosphere the best I can - saying "hello", "have a good day at school, I love you", "have a good night, I love you" etc. You have to keep the love light going in your eyes - just from a little emotional distance. Again, with all this, there still has to be respect and responsibility.[/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][FONT=Verdana]Mom is generally the hardest parent to deal with - certainly true in our family. After all, mom is never ever supposed to abandon you, and at this point, in his mind you are probably going to be just like all the other moms that abandoned him....[/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][FONT=Verdana]I think teenagers just need more space anyway....that's the tough part with a RAD teenager, because they are probably emotionally much younger and really need the hugs, but hugs from parents are the last thing most teenagers want.[/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][FONT=Verdana]If he is able to get closer to you, he'll be back. [/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]Fran[/FONT]
I got info via the grapevine that he was definitely smoking pot this morning before school. I am waiting for him to get home tonight so that we can talk about it.
Now the question in my mind becomes why? Was it something to do with his birthday? Because his Mom didn't call him that day? Or his scuffle with my husband yesterday morning? Or were the last four days just too good....and he couldn't take it. Or something else?
And what do I do about it? His counselor was out of the office today sick, and she doesn't work on Fridays. So I can't talk to her until Monday. Do we create consequences? Do we ignore it?
And regarding the responses on respect. He wasn't exactly disrespectful. It was much more subtle than that.
How my heart aches for this boy. How I wish I could make decisions for him. But he's way too old for that. I have tried to tell him that now that he's 18, if he gets caught with pot it will be a felony. And he'll have to declare it on every job application for the rest of his life. He just doesn't "get it". Or he doesn't love himself enough to fix it.
I'm okay though. We'll charge on. Just disappointed.
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I would guess all of the above. I also would not ignore the drug use, I think that sets a dangerous precident, but I don't know what the proper consequence is. Hmm. As for the not saying hello, sometimes with my teen (not RAD or anything like that, but aspergers) I will answer for him. LIke Me: How was your dayMe: (deeper voice) Oh great mom, in science we built a rocket and went to the moon, our spanish class did exciting verb conjugating and in English the teacher actually spoke Enlish to us for the entire period. Lunch was mystery meat and only 15 kids died from eating it today. In PE we wanted to go mountain climbing but had to settle for running five million laps instead. Oh and I won a nobel prize for cureing the common cold. How wasy your day? Do any interesting laundry mom?
momraine
As for the not saying hello, sometimes with my teen (not RAD or anything like that, but aspergers) I will answer for him. LIke Me: How was your dayMe: (deeper voice) Oh great mom, in science we built a rocket and went to the moon, our spanish class did exciting verb conjugating and in English the teacher actually spoke Enlish to us for the entire period. Lunch was mystery meat and only 15 kids died from eating it today. In PE we wanted to go mountain climbing but had to settle for running five million laps instead. Oh and I won a nobel prize for cureing the common cold. How wasy your day? Do any interesting laundry mom?
i have 4 kids that were exposed and they are all teens now. We have been thru the drug usage thing with one of them (so far) and alcohol with another.
Have you considered drug testing him with a home kit? Refusing the test is not an option, as this is your home and you need to know if he is bringing illegal substances into it.
If you drug test & find that he is smoking, you can consider hospitalization and/or a Substance abuse program, though I don't know the abilities you have now that he is 18 (for under-18's, drug use is always grounds for hospitalization, as is any type of self-endangering behavior such as running away, sneaking out, etc)
If you go on that path, make sure to emphasize that you love & care for him, and that this is why in THIS family you do not allow members to endanger the family. Not only could his usage harm him, it could cost your entire family (because if he has the drugs at home, in your car, etc, depending on the amount in his possession, the car, home, etc may be open to seizure - this info is even provided by the hospital program for SA my kids were in, so they know WE are not inventing this).