Well he came back home this morning.

same rules if not tighter but I don't know how you tighten up on an eighteen year old, especially one that flaunts the rules....however, you cannot allow him to walk all over you. He's 18....you will have to decide how much of his coming and going (he'll probably do it again) you can put up with. I know for us the drug usage would be a big problem.For instance, I know R will not be ready to move out of the house at 18 (or 19 or 20.....). We already talk to him about how if he wants to stay beyond 18 it has to be Mom and Dad's rules (i.e. no drug usage, no parties at the house, he contributes to the running of the household through chores at least), and he has to be in school of some sort - college, trade school whatever. The hardest part about love is 1) taking care of yourself, and 2) being able to push a child out of the nest when and if needed. When I was in my early thirties my youngest sister came to live with me for awhile. I had to make her get a job, and it came to the point where I had to tell her that she needed to move on - that was extremely difficult. We got along fine and I loved her very much then and still do. She told me later that at the point in her life all she wanted was someone to take care of her - totally - and me kicking her out was one of those "best things that ever happened to me" sort of things....it helped her grow up.Fran

But I think it took courage to come back. He apologized and said he would abide by the rules. I spoke with his counselor on the phone. The last time we'd met with her she'd told us not to threaten him with making him leave. She was out sick on Thursday and doesn't work on Friday. So I couldn't ask her for her help through all of this. I spoke with her this morning, and I am going to attend J's individual counseling session today. She wanted to talk to another therapist, and then get back with me. But unless she changes her mind, we are going to lay down the law that if he breaks curfew again or comes in high again that he has to leave. He's been in his rehab program for three weeks now. And he's only been to one counseling session. He has no coping skills to deal with hard times other than using. A part of me would like to give him time to learn some of these things. If he leaves our house, he's going to be pretty much done. He'll quit counseling...and maybe even quit school. It feels like walking a high-line wire.

You are walking a high wire, LOL. The thing is it's his choice, he's 18 and you can make him make good choices. He knows you love him and want whats best for him, but he also knows he needs those limits. If you back down on the rules, he won't trust you. He might drop everything, but he also might come back in a few years after he has hit rock bottom and turn his life around. It does happen sometimes. My sister who is living with me made a lot of dumb choices but she learned from them. For her having a baby turned her around. She quit partying when she found out she was pregnant, she has since been working and taking care of her kids. Now, she is still paying for her mistakes. She did not get the education she could have and has no savings. Her credit is ruined because she trusted men who were jerks. She has a lot of debt to pay off from those times. However, she realizes all this. She turned back to the one person in her life who made her follow rules - me. Then she came to me and apologized and begged me to take them in. They are here now and she is a totally differnet person. She cares more about her kids than herself. She is contributing to the house, she is working and she cleans and helps out. It turns out that I need her right now as much as she needs us. So even if he leaves, don't give up hope. I spent a few years praying and praying for her to turn around. Now she has, so don't give up! As long as the kid is breathing there is hope.