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Coach called me at lunch. J told his friends some things. The friend told the wrestling coach, who told my husband (Coach).
J said that Coach was fine, but that Coach's WIFE (me) was a problem. She was in his business too much and helping too much.
So I've already backed off alot. What he doesn't understand is that he would have been gone weeks ago if not for me. My DH was already "done".
I believe he thinks that Coach would not care what he does if I wasn't there. And that's somewhat true, but not entirely. Coach is a guy, and does not worry like I do. And does not have a Mother's love. But he still believes in rules and enforcing them.
He's never had a Dad. But it was his Mother who hurt and betrayed him so much. I'll talk to his therapist about this before I go to the appointment this afternoon.
But I would like your thoughts as well? When a child (an 18 year old ) has trouble trusting, do you keep pressing them? Or should I back off for a while?
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Well, from your sons complaints I'd say you are doing your job perfectly. You're not his buddy. If he wants buddy's he needs a job and an apartment. You are his primary caregiver and belong in his business. Would I hound him? No. Would I back off? Yes-on doing his laundry, providing transportation-you know, stuff he'll need to be doing on his own when he gets on his own. And I'd expect more chores and helping out in return for my helpfulness.
That being said, I wouldn't lecture(don't know if you are a lecturer by nature, my dh is). I simply make statements-"Having girls in your room could cause you to have to give up your nice downstairs room and share with your younger brother where I can pay more attention." Things like that. And I accept "yes mom or okay" as a response. I never ask questions I already know the answer to as I don't like to listen to lies.
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borrow? That's what she recommended, that the three of us sit down and write up a contract that states the rules we think are important and the consequences for breaking them, and have him sign it.
She also said "tough" that he thinks I'm in his business too much. That is what Mom's do. And to not take it personally.
He actually refused to go to the appointment today. He got into it with a teacher at school today, and refused to go. Sigh. He said he's reschedule for later this week.
lucyjoy
Well, from your sons complaints I'd say you are doing your job perfectly. You're not his buddy. If he wants buddy's he needs a job and an apartment. You are his primary caregiver and belong in his business. Would I hound him? No. Would I back off? Yes-on doing his laundry, providing transportation-you know, stuff he'll need to be doing on his own when he gets on his own. And I'd expect more chores and helping out in return for my helpfulness.
This is one of the issues my little one is having. He has had many mom type figures in his life and they all dumped him. (at least that's how he sees it) but he never had a dad. He has told me fllat out he wishes he had been adopted just by dad. He does not want a mom. He did well in the last orphanage he was in where there was a female caregiver, but she was not very motherly, she was too busy as she had several severely disabled adults and teens to care for, as one of the only potty trained and able to feed and dress himself person in the group, he was just left to fend for himself mostly, which suited him just fine. He loves the attention and stuff from dad, but not me. Now, my guy is 7 and not 18, so we are working on it and he is stuck with a mom like it or not. But boy it hiurts that he does not like or want me. Attaching to a man is easier as they don't expect as much, attaching to a mom is hard, you have to give your heart and then it can get broken.
He's sick. So is my little zebra son. Miserably so...probably a virus or the flu.
He came upstairs and asked if he could stay home today. He didn't look that ill, but he was coughing really badly and said he'd thrown up twice.
I said he could stay home, but he had to go see the doctor, and he had to stay home tonight. Since he agreed I decided he must be feeling pretty badly.
He just stood in the middle of the kitchen and was looking at me. So I raise my eyebrows in question and he says "I need some medicine" accompanied by a pitiful look.
So I fixed him up (mind you he knows where all the medicine is, but I think he needed some TLC).
Then he sends me several text messages today about how sick he is. I sent back empathic messages.
I think (hope) this was significant to him. Because he told me that when he first became sick with the cancer, that he'd been telling his Mom for a long time that he was sick. But she couldn't be bothered to take him to the doctor. She did not take him until his lymphnodes were so swollen that his throat was three times its normal size....and even then he said he had to make her take him....by then he was almost dead. He had to spend a month on a respirator.
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