What do I do?

I have posted once before - last week when my husband's reunion was nearing and our emotions were on overload. I am not sure where I put the post, maybe birthfather's support...but I am the wife. When the reunion date neared we sought the advice of a counselor because the text and IM relationship he and his daughter had developed over the course of 6 weeks had turned intrusive and felt manipulative. Daughter is 26, a newly minted lawyer with anxiety. She seemed so pleased and ready for the contact when my husband reached out - well, maybe not initially. He emailed her mother last summer and daughter was not ready for any contact. She emailed this past October and after tentative and sporadic emails were exchanged she reached out in text to share big news with my husband - she had passed the bar. He felt so exhilarated to be included and they began texting fairly regularly after Thanksgiving. Her birthday was coming up, as were the holidays, and both of us were so excited she wanted to know him, to have a relationship. We bought her gifts and wrote welcoming letters to her. When she received the box she go upset I (as the wife) and not my husband had addressed the box. Her feelings were hurt. He promptly put a birthday card in the mail to her with a personal message he wrote. The texting continued with her sharing many many things with my husband about her past, her emotional disconnection with her adoptive father (her birthmother raised her). He shared with her, too and seemed to have a wonderful connection and so many similarities to share. Things became difficult around the holidays. She was increasingly uncomfortable with lapses in their communication. She would keep him involved in text conversations or instant messaging when she knew his other two kids were here and needed his time (they do not know about her yet), & late into some nights when he would attempt to sign off for the evening (until 2-3am) with her confusion anger and blame. Mornings brought a litany of apologies and reassurance that she was having trouble but wanted to remain involved in growing a relationship. He stayed involved in the difficult conversations(and failed to set boundaries) because he cared about her, knew she was struggling through the 'getting to know you process' with feelings of resentment and anger towards him and the family he had built, and he felt increasingly guilty about his giving her up so many years before. Just after Christmas he was despondent because she went dark after sharing negative feelings about how there text conversation had gone that day. I texted her myself to plead with her to remember there were more people involved and impacted in this than just her and her mother. She responded with shock the next morning that I would inject myself, although she and I texted and instant messaged through what we were both experiencing and apologies were shared. It was and is truly my intention to be supportive and loving through this process. I truly wanted to welcome her into our lives as much as possible. She did not want to meet not only me, as the spouse, but anyone in the family - although she was anxious to set up a first meeting with my husband, which they did. We were flying to meet her in her town, and it was arranged that I would occupy myself while they visited throughout the weekend. It became a source of contention, with her asking both me and my husband to respect her ask that I not escort him on the trip at all. I had assured her we both wanted what was best for her, the child in the relationship, and I offered to stay home (when she and I were texting) to give her what she needed. We had rented a suite, with an adjoining room, and my husband planned an entire weekend of sightseeing with her and offered for her to stay in the adjoining room if she was comfortable with that. As the date approached, she became very focused on whether or not I was flying down with my husband - knowing I would not meet her and we would absolutely respect that - but my making the trip with him at all was causing difficulty because she did not want her boyfriend, her parents, or anyone else to be a present on her end. She felt we were a 'team' and she wanted him to herself. My husband wanted me to fly down, even if just for moral support on the flight in and on the way out. I had a friend in the town, and was planning on staying with her, but as the conversations unfolded surrounding this issue he became upset that daughter felt justified in attempting to manage all the time he was in her town, how he spent his private time - or whether or not he even had private time..(whether or not with me, alone, etc.) He was uncomfortable that she wouldn't be able to regulate her emotions and become very angry or depressed and he would not know what to do. One week prior to the meeting we sought the advice of a psychologist - someone who we had seen before when working through my stepson's (bdad's child with his ex) anxiety. Our counselor advised the connecting room was not the best idea - it was sending mixed messages to daughter about the nature of their relationship right now - which was more like relatives that were still getting to know each other. It implied too much too soon. She also advised, not necessarily to change anything at that point, but had she been consulted sooner she would have suggested a more structured first visit with clearly defined boundaries. Also, a move from the constant nature of texting with immediate ability to shoot a message off however damaging - to more careful communication methods like email or even periodic phone conversations. My husband was eager to reset and find balance for himself, while continuing to grow a relationship with his daughter so he made the decision to make the changes prior to the trip. She did not respond well and was very disappointed that her initial vision of the weekend was not going to come to pass. He asked for them to change their method of communication, from constant texting to emails - to allow for more thought and care as they learned more about each other. She complained, and was honest about how that made her unhappy but she very much wanted the meeting to take place. She wanted to text when she felt something, it made her feel close to him - but he stopped responding to her texts and switched to email to try to achieve better structure. For my part during this time, I did voracious research into this complicated process. Read books recommended on this site, found suggestions for the first meeting posted online by the Irish Adoption Council, became aware of the Stages of Reunion...I should also mention, she had 'friended' my husband and myself on Facebook back in late November and they spent a lot time getting to know each other through that world, as well..although we respected her privacy and did not actively participate in posting on her wall or she ours. Seeing his life outside of her fantasy of him was difficult for her at times..his two young children he is a good father to, our wedding back in 2011, my 2 grown children who are involved in his life... My husband offered to postpone the meeting for each of them to get more help in navigating through the process. He wanted it to be positive for them both and it was beginning to feel like a tug of war for control mixed with manipulation and guilt throwing. She insisted it happen, albeit with the changes surrounding timing & location of meetings. Instead of a solid three days of hotel staying, talking, possible sightseeing, they were doing dinner the first night, with a finite end time. The next day, just this past Saturday, he went to her apartment first, to see it and meet her roommate, and then spent the entire day with her at a restaurant watching football and talking, again with an end time. Sunday was off the table per his request to follow the counselors suggestions for more boundaries, not less. The actual time they spent together was actually very good and pleasant according to my husband. She has since communicated to him, through text and email, that she didn't feel like she got to work through what she needed to, she wanted more time with him and she felt sad/bad that he wouldn't allow for that on Sunday. She used text on Sunday morning to express her displeasure that it was a prettier day than they got together Saturday. He did not respond, which he explained in email was the reason for needing less immediate communication methods for them, given her use of text to vent to him her every bad/sad/anxious/angry feeling. Later in that day, I accidentally posted a picture from our dinner (just me with an old neighbor I had arranged a meal with) -posted it to share with my other old neighbors but not thinking about the potential hurt to her- as we were leaving for the airport... she was, of course, re-injured by the knowledge that he was still in town and not choosing to spend the time with her. She has taken him (both of us really, but I know I am not the relationship she wants or needs so no problem there) off her Facebook. She emailed yesterday that she needs time to reflect if she can get want she wants/needs from him. He responded that he is disheartened the good first meeting and time they spent is now reframed as negative and dissatisfying. I feel awful and want to reach out to her. He wants her in his life. I will not reach out, but everything in me wants to. I know she is feeling rejected, but she is NOT rejected. The boundaries he needed don't mean he doesn't want to grow a relationship with her. This is so new, none of us has done this before. It has been a day and no communication, which after 6 weeks of constant communication is very difficult. It feels better for me just to write all this. My husband is still here for her. We are still ready to welcome her into our lives and family. I wish I could tell her that and just hug her, but I can't. Thanks for reading....