Help, I need advice....

lilrascals IMO, she needs a break from the intensity of her grief and instead of healthy coping skills~she has learned it is a quick way to feel numb. Then the intensity of the grief seems worse when she is sober and so the cycle starts again. Some drugs and alcohol are depressants too, which mess up the brain chemistry.Once she got on the bicycle~ she must keep peddling.;~((

And her coming to reality is in her time.. I remember when I first went for therapy and we talked about my mom.. My mom would act out something awful on me and I would take it.. my sister would comment on how I was being so nice to her and how half the time I sounded just like her.. Mom would call me up totally drunk and I would sit and listen and listen to her.. I would tell her what she wanted to hear.. etc.. And I would be drained for days after.. and hubby would say.. “Have you been talking with your mother again?” Mom would call whenever she wanted.. and I was trapped.. Therapist and I sorted that I felt her drinking was all my fault.. My fault because I landed back in her life when I was pregnant.. she wanted (and I as well) my pregnancy to go away and we tried to find someone to do an abortion.. I could not go through with it.. I said stop.. This was the early sixties and abortion was against the law. So I contacted the agency and I sorted giving my son up.. and mom and dad hid me.. etc. So I was guilty.. I was guilty because I did not make it go away.. Mom started drinking bad after I gave my son up..(my point ha.. I have one) She was drinking bad before but after the relinquishment it went up many levels... And I was trapped.. The therapist told me when we sorted my resentments towards my mom and my inability to say no to her.. that an alcoholic aka drug addict.. (at AA they say alcohol is a drug).. will turn to drugs when problems happen.. they do not sort the problem.. do not face it dead on.. they bypass and get drunk or stoned.. Or gamble or make others crazy.. Life happens to all of us.. and life happened to me in 1964.. and it happened to my mom as well.. We did the best we could.. heck I did good I made sure he was adopted and safe and chosen and all those good things.. No blame.. I had to learn (Alanon) that I can love the drunk but I do not have to take care of he or she.. I am not responsible.. and if I care take them.. ad nausaum.. they will continue drinking.. they do not suffer the consequences of their actions.. Alanon and Melody Beattie (Codependency) taught me to detach with love.. and get myself better.. Stop the worry and the insane thinking.. etc.. Live in the moment and take care of the day.. all that good stuff.. Jackie

I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug abusers. My parents broke the cycle by not becoming alcoholics or drug addicts so now it is up to me to break the next part of the cycle. It takes 3 generations to break the cycle (so I have been told). After relinquishing my daughter I wanted to crawl into that bottle, but I was fully aware that I already had the potential to be an "abuser" so I didn't go there. Instead I chose the unhealthy path of creating that brick wall that no one could break through (until recently). People cope with loss differently. Some can do it in a healthy manner, others don't. There will come a point in a person's life where they have to deal with the issue at hand, no one can force them to face it and deal with it. You can't make an alcoholic stop drinking, you can make it difficult for them but they will find a way to continue. You can't make a drug addict stop using, you can make it difficult them but they too will find a way to get their next fix. My little one's birth father is a drug addict. We educate her on drug and alcohol addiction and let her know the dangers. In time she will figure out that her birthfather chose drugs over her and she will know that DH and I have done everything we could to make sure she feels loved and cherished. The best thing you can do is make sure you educate your child on the dangers of drug abuse. Even if the addiction is genetic (like it is in my family) your child will stand a chance to be drug free. As far as the Birth Mother goes...you can not make her get clean, but you can protect your child from a drug environment. Not all Birth Mothers turn to chemical dependancy to cope. Just my two cents...

Thank you all so much for the many stories that I can somewhat relate my situation to. I admire all of you for keeping your voices. You deserve the voice! You deserve your SELF! :) I am ahhhhed that there is hope that the bparents in my family will come around at some time or another or maybe the wont. It is in their own time and I just want to be there and help if I can so I can help get over my guilt for being able to provide for the children. I am trying hard to understand and help hold mom and child up at the same time. I know mom is an adult and is suppost know better but the truth is in this case mom really doesnt know how to cope and has not been taught another way of life. I admire all of you who have allowed this to be a part of life and you still can open your hearts to your children. I can only hope all the bparents in my family will come around as well as yall have. I know it is not easy for any of us but it is so worth it in the long run to know we all did what we thought had to be done. In the end we all have a love for each other, our children, and ourselves.

Inblindfaith says ~ Isn't it a wonderful feeling to know that we broke the cycle. I too come from a alcoholic family. I have never seen my father with out a beer in his hand no matter the time of day. As a young teen I feel to drinking in the 7th grade. I woke up and realized that I did not want this for my future children and so I stopped and realized how it affected my child hood. Now that I am an adult and I have control I do not want this for my children. I feel like I have given hope to a new generation. :) I am proud. It was not easy but I am glad that I woke up and was able to fight the urge. It is us making a difference one by one. :)

Jackie says, I know this is the sad part. I just really want to make it better. I know that I did not cause this since the state took the children. But I want what is best for her. I want her to have the voice all of you have. I want her to have the strenght to carry on and to thrill in the pictures I send her. I want to be able to talk to her. I want that friendship. I know she might not this could be reality but..... Just hard when we share this beautiful baby girl! :)

Melody Beattie wrote in her book.. The Language of Letting Go.. page 41 Letting Go of those Not in Recovery

We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.

Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, double over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.

Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.

We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. There other side was a better place.

But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced to cross the bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come, some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.

We can love them. We can wave at them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we can not make them come over with us.

If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.

The best we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on. Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I’m meant to be. I will always be grateful that my first born son was not in the insanity of my life in the late sixties.. I was not ready to parent.. I had some lessons to learn.. and learn I did.. This from Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps..Melody Beattie.. page 187 on the twelfth. “Oh, I’ve been a victim all my life,” he said.

“No Joe,” she said “Your whole life is ahead of you.”

Joe and the Volcano I was always the caretaker.. I always took care of others.. Now I can detach with love.. and just share what I know.. and not stand on that cliff and worry about the drop.. Jackie

Jackie~ Wow! Thank you so much for sharing that with me. This is exactly what I needed. I will stand on the other side of the bridge and cheer her on. And just not take it personal that she decides to stay there on her own. I am going to look for this book!! Looks like a must read for me. I am in ahhh. Seems as though there are many that travel the same road when they can place your feelings and what is going on in life. Maybe this is a book I can send mom too to see if she can relate. I love this site and the support. I have felt somewhat alone through these emotions in my life. Although my family accepts the children all as their own they don't really understand the other side. Thank you so much Jackie! {{hugs}}

These words of wisdom are absolutely beautiful, and so true. Thank you, Jackie....

Melody Beattie helped me.. beyond words.. The Language of Letting Go is her daily reader.. She has two of them and this is the first and the best.. I do not use it as a daily reader.. I used the index at the back and look for what I am trying to sort.. What I posted above.. I had read years ago.. and then lost the book.. till I realized I gave it to my sister.. I have just re-purchased the book and found that quote. The bridge theory is just so nice.. I can love the acting out person.. I can cheer them on.. its allowed.. Her books Codependent No More.. and Beyond Codependency.. are marvelous.. I love quoting the wisdome from my books.. I thought of that quote yesterday when I was worried about my husband and my son and their interaction.. I knew my son was pushing the husband.. But I remembered what I typed up and backed off.. I hate fights.. They scare me.. They panic me.. I want to stop them.. and make myself sick trying to stop myself from trying to stop them.. I realized that I can only stand back and cheer them on.. hoping they will not fight.. And they did not fight.. they were having a good time together and I was the one that was a mess.. Hmmm Jackie

Jackie,I like Beattie's books as well. Two other books I have found helpful are The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.

kakuehl... I like those books as well.. Maybe we should have a list of self help recovery books.. Jackie

I'll see if Crick will add that category to the list she is creating.

I am finally unpacking some boxes from a move that happened two years ago.. I now have a bookshelf next to my chair.. I am in heaven.. When I did the Artist Way.. Julia Cameron asks what the favourite toy was..in childhood.. I had to answer books.. I found the book I learned to read with.. Mr Auto.. My mom would sit with me and help me find the words.. and it was such a nice time.. Mr Auto and Dick and Jane.. I would love to find Dick and Jane.. and spot.. I have a large collection of books.. and at one point I was thinking of leaving my husband.. and running away to SanFrancisco.. and I realized I could not leave my books behind.. My daughter is into set decorating in the film business so she will keep my books when I no longer need them.. Jackie

One of my dreads about having to move again is packing my books. I think we must have several thousand books in this house. Needless to say, both my DH and I read a great deal! It drives me nuts to walk into a home and see NO books.