Adult Adoptees What signs does a Bmother look for when?

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]Adult Adoptees What signs does a Bmother need to look for when a child doesn't really want to know their biological family? [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]This is my story! I'm a Bmother who has had contact with daughter for almost 2 yrs. We've had NO contact by phone!!! She contacted me when she turned 17. We have sent each other emails & letters & pictures. I basically wanted her to know that I gave her up out of LOVE. If I could have raised her myself I would have but I didn't want her childhood to be a struggle. I was 18 when I gave birth to her. I didn't have much and I was moments away from being kicked out on my own if I didn't do what was best for my baby. It was such a difficult decision to give up a child that you Love. I chose her family through open adoption. When I first met her parents I knew they were the perfect choice. I felt a sense of Peace the day I left the hospital without her. I knew she was going to having an amazing life. Well that was my WISH for her. I wanted nothing but the best for her. She was a magical little angel. I got to hold her in my arms the day I gave birth to her. The nurses didn't realize I was giving her up for adoption. The moment the head nurse realized the mistake she wanted to grab her out of my arms. I told her she better not and I told her to leave me alone. She did! Those moments I shared with her has never left my memory and nobody could ever take that away from me. I whispered into her ears, "Baby Angel mommy will always love you. Every night and every day you will be in my heart." I cried! I let her go! The pain inside my heart and soul was torn. If ONLY love was enough to get us through life but I knew it wasn't. I made a promise to GIVE her a Better life and I let her go.[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]All these years I hoped and prayed that some day we would reunite. I got some photos of her as she was growing up. She was an angel; she was just so beautiful. Her parents were kind enough to send me pictures when I asked for them. As she got older I decided to keep my distance. Five years after giving her up I met the man I would call my husband. We had our first child within a year. It was so magical to be a mother and to take home my baby. It was one of the happiest moments and deep down inside a heart breaking because the memories of giving up my baby only five years earlier was so painful. All those feelings came back. Part of me felt sad because my first born daughter wasn't going to know her brother. I had to be thankful that our lives were both headed in the right direction. I found a loving man and a new family to call my own. Three children later and 15 years of marriage life couldn't be any better. Well I thought it could be A lot better if I could one day reunite with my first born.[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]She contacted me and she said she wanted to meet me some day. I was so delighted and thrilled and over joyed. I told my children and husband and they were so excited. It's been two years now and she says she wants to take things slowly. She wants to get to know me but slowly. But she doesn't give me much feed back when I ask her things about herself. She does express a lot of love for church and her relationship with God. I tell her all the good memories I had while I was pregnant with her and express myself in the best way how LOVED she was by me. In response she tells me she was born the daughter of God. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]She has an amazing life filled with so much love and so many experiences. She's traveled to other countries doing missionary work. She's a women of faith. I couldn't be more happier for her. Her life is better than I ever amagined! It's wonderful. She has thanked me for giving her life.[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]She is really religious and she has strong values. I admire her so much. I send her emails every holiday. I always thought I would handle this situation much better than I am. My feelings go up and down. I love her so much and I would love to meet her and not waste anymore time apart. I know, I know it isn't that simple! If only life worked out the way we all dreamed it would! I have to be completely honest right now, her letter's are nice but I get the feelings she see's me more like a STORK. I know some of you are thinking she's still so young and I need to give her some time. How long? Ten years, 20 years? If a child doesn't want contact is it wrong for me to distance myself from this situation? She has an incredible life. I feel like why change something that isn't broken. I have made the decision to back away from contact! Why? I'm feeling like this is one of those situations that a reunion is not in the cards. Adult Adoptee's am I making the right decision? She's got a perfect family, perfect life why change that for her just because I am the one interested in meeting her and having her part of my life. We both move forward with our own lives and be at Peace with that. I need some advice. Tks for listening to me spill my heart out to strangers. PEACE[/FONT]

My dear,I am a bmom not an adoptee so maybe you don't want to hear from me. My son was 32 when we reunited. He has said to me that he wasn't ready at 18 or even 25. In your case I might want to back away too, but I think I'd want to keep the line of communication open. Does she send you pictures, etc. even if she doesn't answer questions? Do you tell her about your life now? Do you send her pictures? You could simply tell her that you recognise that you want to move faster than she is ready for and that although you are backing off, you will be there when she is ready.

moongrl22, I am an adoptee. I am 18 years old and I just recently have been connected with my biological family in July. I have a thread called "I don't know what to do", my story is all laid out there. I've known about my adoption for ten years now, at first I was completely devastated that my a-daddy wasn't really mine. This past year I've realized after reading a letter my b-mom wrote, a month and a week after I was born, that she gave me up out of love, that she couldn't keep both me and my b-sister. At first I wanted all the contact I could with them, but now it has dwindled down to emails and an occasional text. Not because of anything my b-family did, but because of my a-mom. She hates that I have anything to do with them. The only reason I've gone to just emails is that I want to get all of my thoughts together, I'm 18, I know where I stand, and I know I will not be compromised by anyone. I want to respect my a-mom and obey her wishes because that's the way I was raised. But I've come to realize that my a-mom or b-mom may not always be right and that's when I have to look out for myself and make my own decisions. I hope this helps you in some way.

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]Thank you for your response. It does help to hear from an adoptee. I think I would be able to handle emotions more clearly if she was as open as you have been with me. I have told her I never want her relationship with her mom and dad to ever change. I'm not trying to take over as her mother. I just want to be part of her life somehow. I know now she might feel different in another 10 yrs but right now it's all to much for her, I guess. This is just a difficult situation because their are so many feelings and emotions involved. I am happy for one thing; she's happy and very much loved![/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]I know her Aparents have always been honest with her about me. I've been wanting to write a letter to them for two years now but I'm not really sure how to express my thoughts. Time will tell! [/FONT]

One other thing I thought you would like to hear is that even though there are so many emotions and I'm so conflicted by my a-mom, I have a very special place reserved in my heart for my b-mom. It won't be the same place my a-mom has but she is still very special to me and she always will be. I love her. I can't really say these with my a-mom around but I still love them both very much.:clap:

[FONT=Century Gothic]Sweetpea, Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I strongly believe adoptive children should be free to express their own feelings about being adopted. Even if you've had a wonderful life and you have amazing parents. Their are feelings "good or bad" that need to be expressed. I think it's wonderful that you have an amazing bond with your Amother. I think that's a blessing. [/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic]I guess I was wrong to believe all these years that as soon as my Bdaughter turned 18 we would meet. That was unrealistic and wishful thinking. I know when I was 18 I had to learn to cope with being pregnant, being scared and at the same time being so excited about this little tiny baby inside me that moved around a lot. I use to sing song to her while listening to the radio. Every night I would read a book to her. Our night time was our TIME. The last month I tried to stay as positive as possible because I just wanted baby to be healthy. Their were moments of tear's. Oh many, many more tear's after leaving the hospital without her.[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic]You have made me realize this is her time. I need to hang in there and just be there for her if she ever needs me even if it's 10 yrs from now. I'm looking outside my box! Thank you Sweetpea for taking the time to respond.[/FONT]

"What signs does a bmother need to look for when a child doesn't really want to know their biological family?"

Dear Moongrl,

I am 31 and not 17. But I don’t think this is about age or whether or not she’s too young.

Your daughter (from what you've said) is telling you that she does want to know you, just not all at once. You have what I think you’re hoping for .. open communication w/ her. The best thing you can do is to give her what she’s asking for. She wants things to go slow. Then let it be that way. I guarantee you, it’s more about her having the experience of you respecting her wishes than it is about anything else.

Let her know that when she’s ready you’d love a phone call. And that you look forward to the day you all have a chance to meet. But that until then you’re perfectly fine with letting things happen at her pace. Even if you're not.

And then do your best to be fine. Feel content and happy with whatever it is she has shared with you up until this point. So many birth families will never even come close to having what you’ve had already with her. And whatever you do, don’t worry or fret about how long it takes her to come around. The more you can let go, the sooner she will reach back out.

It’s a challenge, I know. My own birth mother is practically in your same shoes at the moment and there is only so much that I can do to care for her end of things as well as my own. I wish I could, but I can’t do it for her.

Your thread resonates so much with me. Just recently I told my birth mother that I am considering discontinuing all contact with her. Which in retrospect wasn’t fair on my part. Even though it’s true, I shouldn’t have said it. If I’m going to leave then I should leave. And vice versa. But to put that out there the way I did, doesn’t achieve anything. My point was to let her know that her overwhelming need for my attention is unbearable and unlivable. To say to her, “You’re not hearing me. You aren’t responding to the things I’ve asked of you. And this is such a problem that it’s making me want to walk away.”

She was also a teenager when she relinquished her baby. Although unlike you it was completely against her adolescent will. She had fantasies of keeping me, of taking me on the road to Europe as an infant … romantic ideas at best. Her mother was recently widowed with a troubled teenaged son and basically said no. You cannot keep this child. She has never forgiven her mother and they are at this very moment reliving the battle . . .

Like your daughter, I was adopted and loved. I never once felt an ounce of grief or pain as to my origin. It was a complete non-issue in my life. An oddity, a curiosity, something to talk about every now and then.

My mom – my adopted mother – died several years ago, in my arms no less. And because of that I’m in a different space. The space one moves into when they become an adult woman who’s mother has passed on. That makes it doubly difficult to have my birth mother appear with all of her needs and wants and fantasies of ‘being my mother.’ I’m hoping for a friendship at best and she wants her baby back . . . diametrically opposed.

Your mention of the stork - no disrespect – made me laugh a little. But I can relate. I do see ‘M’ as the girl who gave birth to me and not as my mother. And really how could I otherwise. My only memory of her is cellular … 9 months in her womb and seconds after birth I was whisked away.

A couple of months ago my college roommate came to town to visit her family with her brand new baby girl that she and her husband and sons had just brought back form Asia. What an incredible reality check for me. To meet this little baby who’d gone through and traveled so much to reach her new life. And to see how much my friend had done to bring this baby home. Just like when I was born. My parents traveled 1000’s of miles to get me, to bring me home. And spent years and days and hours loving me and supporting me. How anyone – birth mother or not - could think that decades later they could show up and step into the role of mother when clearly, clearly that role no longer belongs to them.

But that's my experience ...

- Apple

It seems to me that sometimes 18 year old adoptees are hit with a double whammee. As teens become adults they often pull away from their parents. (I remember counseling my mother to lighten up on my brothers because she was trying to hold on tightly while they were pulling away. My advice - leave them alone and they'll come home! Give them space!) An 18 year old adoptee often has an amom who becomes a little insecure because their baby is leaving home (like any mom when the child goes off on their own); add to that a bmom who has been dreaming of the moment when she can contact her "baby" for 18 years and you have a recipe for potential disaster. An 18 year old is not usually looking for another mother! That doesn't mean they don't want a relationship; they just don't want to me mothered! I actually enjoyed my daughter's college years... she began to talk to me again and consider me to be a person worth having in her life! (the years from 14-18 were very rough with her!) I'm virtually certain that had she been an adoptee, she would NOT have welcomed her bmom into her life with open arms at 18! We had to move at her pace to create the adult relationship we have now that she's 29. It has been a rewarding journey. I agree with Pomme... take it slowly and develop your own place in her life. D and I share a special connection that I will never satisfactorally explain, I am not the mom who was there for him as he grew up (and even today when he needs something). We do share a bond that is deeper than mere aquaintances though. He calls our relationship healthy! I give thanks for that!

Take it slow. If she likes emails, then email. Check in with her on major times. Even if it's hard for you emotionally, stay in the relationship. She's young and needs time to finish her growing process. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Sometimes a pleasant "something" can be good...this is easier typed than done, though!

I, as an adult adoptee (42), almost three years into reunion, say what everyone else is saying here. Slow and steady wins the race. I think age can play into it. When I was 18, my feelings of searching were totally different than mine as an adult. I also had much to deal with as a young adult, I married fairly young, (21) had two small children, a husband I loved and adored but who was very sick with diabetes. Losing my husband and father three weeks apart and having to raise three small children took up my early thirties. After remarrying and the birth of my sixth, yes sixth, child really put something in me to search. But with all the ups and downs and rollercoaster rides that come with reunion, I don't think I personally could have done it at a younger age. I had a very strong sense of self when I went searching. When you are 18, you have much different things on your mind, other things pre-occuppy you. You feel like you have all the time in the world. Be patient and be happy that she is willing to have contact. I have heard many bmom's here who have been in contact with late teens, early adults, and this is very similar. Good luck. I know it isn't easy. We are thinking of you are and hear for you to sound off against, vent, question, whatever. Carolyn

Pomme, Thank you so much for your advice. I'm going to respect my Bdaughters feelings and I'm not going to push. It really does help to get adult adoptee's opinion and feedback. I'm more able to think OUTSIDE my own BOX. I have been taking a lot more time to enjoy my life, my children and NOT worry so much about things that I can't control. The greatest joy in my life is being a mother. I've come to the conclusion that as long as my Bdaughter is Happy and healthy then life is the way that it should be. She just turned 19yrs old has week. I sent her a Birthday card and a picture of our first moments together right after she was born. I kept the letter short and wished her a Happy Birthday. Thanks again everyone for your imput. I will be taking everyone advice. Time will TELL.

wow, I'm not even there yet, but I pray someday, i will talk the the little girl i have up out of love. But i know beyond a shadow of a doubt i can never be her mom. I can only hope and pray that first i will be able to meet her, either by phone or in person, I can also pray that maybe we could be friends, I would love to welcome her into my family, but she has a family, I gave her up into, so she would have a life i could'nt give her.I want to be here for her, but only if she wants me to be. thats a hard place to be, but we cannot just bounce into their lives like nothing ever happened. It is just as hard a place for them as it is for us and we have to respect their feelings (scary thought) but we have to, I hope what i had to say helps! My prayers and thoughts are with you, if you would like to talk to me you can e-mail me bornfree4659@yahoo.com , i would be glad to help if i cansunny

Moongirl, I am where you are as well. I think you will find there are a lot of us bmothers out there who only have minimum contact with teenaged bchildren. I have accepted this. It has been a struggle to come to acceptance and letting go of my dreams and hopes and expectations but it is what it is. She too has wonderful aparents and a great life with lots of friends etc. Imagine if this wasn't the case - then how would we feel? I have given up on my dreams that more may come of this in 10 to 20 years. I can't sit around hoping that things will change so I am getting on with enjoying my life which is great also.

Moongirl I think the adoptees sometimes perceive the birthmoms as being "stuck" in a time warp and not able to get past the relinquishment time. (True sometimes!!) It's often told to adoptees by counsellors and adoption related books too. When I was initially found by bson, my first letter told my story...... once it was read and questions asked and answered, I put it to rest mainly because it was my experience and although the details were his, the love and pain and loss was mine and I never wanted him to feel responsible for me. I've put all my energy into trying to weave a friendship that can grow and prosper. Trying to establish a mother/child relationship is, I think, very hard on adoptees. Try working on friendship instead. And loosen up.......let her see your fun side....write notes between telephone calls or e-mails so each time you are sort of painting a picture of yourself and your life and hopefully she will do the same. I too wanted to meet bsons aparents and it took 4 years until he was ready to let his aparents share in his reunion. Beforehand he kept them on one side of the line, and his bfamily on the other. We have met and it was very strange, very polite and in a strange way, very enlightening. I can see the nurture side, and they could see the nature. I think we both went away with a smile. Another thing to keep in mind is noone has a plan....we are all working away at reunion trying to read the signs (like reading braille.) Trying to feel if it makes sense and going over and over the image we create in our heads. Keep doing what you are doing, but try to be a little more creative and see where it leads. And.....finally....if you really want to do something (like meet) ASK HER OUTRIGHT. That's the only way you are going to really know how she feels. Good luck Ann

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]Thank you for your post. I think you are so correct. I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling like this. I thought I was loosing it for awhile there. Each day that goes by it gets better. I have three amazing children of my own and they bring a lot of joy to my life. What more can I ask for huh?:grouphug: I guess I had unrealistic expectations. I thought things would turn out so different. The Decision (Adoption) that I made long ago had a high price along with it; the possibility that we may never know each other as mother daughter. In my heart:loveyou: she has been my daughter but the reality is she doesn't know me and I don't know her. Our lives are so opposite like night and day! The future has many other possibilities and I'm looking forward to all of them good or bad! Peace![/FONT]