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Moongirl
I think the adoptees sometimes perceive the birthmoms as being "stuck" in a time warp and not able to get past the relinquishment time. (True sometimes!!) It's often told to adoptees by counsellors and adoption related books too. When I was initially found by bson, my first letter told my story...... once it was read and questions asked and answered, I put it to rest mainly because it was my experience and although the details were his, the love and pain and loss was mine and I never wanted him to feel responsible for me. I've put all my energy into trying to weave a friendship that can grow and prosper. Trying to establish a mother/child relationship is, I think, very hard on adoptees. Try working on friendship instead. And loosen up.......let her see your fun side....write notes between telephone calls or e-mails so each time you are sort of painting a picture of yourself and your life and hopefully she will do the same.
I too wanted to meet bsons aparents and it took 4 years until he was ready to let his aparents share in his reunion. Beforehand he kept them on one side of the line, and his bfamily on the other. We have met and it was very strange, very polite and in a strange way, very enlightening. I can see the nurture side, and they could see the nature. I think we both went away with a smile.
Another thing to keep in mind is noone has a plan....we are all working away at reunion trying to read the signs (like reading braille.) Trying to feel if it makes sense and going over and over the image we create in our heads. Keep doing what you are doing, but try to be a little more creative and see where it leads. And.....finally....if you really want to do something (like meet) ASK HER OUTRIGHT. That's the only way you are going to really know how she feels.
Good luck
Ann