it is almost torture

I would be interested to see more experienced people reply but I can't help but think that maybe after all day with you he is a brat for his aunt. (that is just my miss negative side speaking) IMO it can't hurt to give him extra attention and love and if you end up with him in your home it should be an easier transition.

i guess i forgot to say his aunt does not give him any attention he was just a check to her put it this way she never bought him shoes all summer he walked around bare foot or in socks which in this city is not safe(alot of needles) also when he goes to bed he is put in his room and the door is shut and he cannot open it but her bio son has a special blanket and toy but the one thing that makes me the most mad is that her bio son gets more than one serving a meal time and snacks inbetween where as this little guy gets one serving and then has to wait for the next meal and he has always had a good appetite here i guess what i am trying to tell you is that she gives him no affection i have never seen her hug or kiss him he tries to give her a kiss or hug when she drops him off but pushes him out of the way and gives her bio son a kiss and then leaves and he is left standing there so he comes to me because he knows i will give him hus/kisses and even though i try to give him a little extra attention he must obey the rules he does not free run of my house

It really sounds to me like you are doing all the right things to encourage a bond with him. It is really sad that his aunt has no interest in being affectionate with a child. I would expect issues to arise but continue doing what you are doing. He may actually feel relief the first time that he doesn't have to go home with his aunt if he is not getting any attention from her. Some kids bond easily and others don't. I adopted my daughter at 21 months. We spent three days together and I would return her to the orphanage at night. At the beginning of day 3 she threw an incredible fit and it was really clear to me and everyone around me that she was angry with me. She had bonded and saw me as the parental figure (lots of holding --sling, feeding, sleeping together, cuddling, tickling, etc) and she was telling me that I was not to leave her again. Our bonding was quick to start and continues to grow. Other children have a hard time bonding. But if this little boy is not getting affection anywhere but from you I would bet that he is going to bond with you rather quickly. Samantha

I have to agree, I think it will help your bond later to form one now.

Well today was bitter sweet his Aunt left town for the holidays to visit family so I did not get any contact for a couple of weeks. Yesterday he came over and stayed the night with his cousin. During the night he cried twice the first time he never woke completely and went back to sleep after I came in the room. The second time he would not sleep so I brought him into bed with me and my dh. He laid awake for an hour and then started caressing the skin on my arm. After that I tried to hold his hand (he flattens it and lets you hold it but does not like the touch) he let me hold his hand and then turned on his side facing away from me and backed up and snuggled just under my chin and slept for 6 hours like that. It was like he finally felt safe. It was a change I felt in the room almost one you could touch. It is hard to explain. But then today he had to go with his aunt again and refused to put on his coat. He did not want to leave me. It breaks my heart. I cannot wait until wednesday when we find out how long until he can come home.

I also have a question about the "no holding" policy (except by parents of course). First will that help curb the behaviour of veiwing all strangers alike and as someone to pick me up? Also can anyone give me the addresses to good sites that explain this policy and why it is needed. I have found many before but now that I am looking for them what do you know-I cant find them. And lastly (for now) how do you deal with people like grandparents wanting to hold your child even though you have told them of this policy. I know the inlaws will do it when my back is turned. For the most part I do not think M has any major issues right now with attachment except he goes to anyone without a second thought, and can have very bad temper tantrums. He is 2.5 and will scream and cry and hit while in timeout but when I say "that is enough" (his screaming is getting louder for attention) he stops but sometimes he has a melt down and will scream, hit, claw(actually try to scratch your face or other skin he can reach), kick, and sometimes even spit. Not spit at you but spit down his chin a huge amount of spit over and over again. He will soak his shirt in a couple of seconds doing this. Now I am wondering if this is regular two year old behaviour or if it has something to do with drug abuse inutero or if it is an attachment thing. I dont want to over analyze and I have noticed a difference in his tantrums since our bond has become stronger. When he first came he would bang his head on anything throw himself backwards, and once gave himself a bloody nose by banging it on the floor during a tantrum. But since we have done the bottle of milk at night and lots of hugs kisses and sitting on my knee cuddling we have not seen much of this. Today he started to spit and I said "no spitting" and he looked at me and stopped and proceeded to calm down. I hope this is a good thing. Also I tried the time ins with eye contact and he loved it he never screamed or anything it was a joy to him but I have noticed at vunerable times he will make certain body parts go stiff. Like in bed he will stiffen his body if I try to cuddle him or if I am feeding his and try to hold his fand he flattens it as much as he can. What should I do whe this happens. I just touch gently and reasure alot and after awhile he relaxes. Sorry it is so long, it seems like everyone I try to talk to here doesn't want to here about this stuff or doesnt believe in attachment issues. (I will be his 4th mom).

My husband and I adopted a child with R.A.D. and frankly no one understood but other adoptive and foster parents who had lived with it. It is sooo frustrating trying to explain to people why you do what you do or don't do. You are right on about the way you need to deal with your child. But to have everyone understand it no way. I would encourage you to get some support systems in place,like a support group for parents of children with R.A.D. maybe a counselor that knows how to deal with R.A.D. or find out about other foster parents or adoptive parents who also live with R.A.D. hope this helps you.

Hello, I sure hope that my vote of support for you isn't too late! Please please please don't ever think that you are overreacting or not being realistic about potential issues. Attachment is so very important; once established, it will pave the way to development, social and emotional health, and well-adjusted adulthood. Even though I have not experienced parenting a child with RAD, I believe deeply that it is real and the children are hurting. I researched this at length prior to our son coming home. One site that is a good resource for me is [url=http://www.attach-china.org]Attach-China[/url]. I also subscribe to many of Dr. Sears' attachment parenting techniques, although he has limited literature about adoption. His family of doctors has a website, too. Lastly, American Academy of Pediatrics ([url=http://www.aap.org]AMERICAN ACADEMY OF PEDIATRICS WEB SITE[/url]) has launch sites for mental health and interesting articles. Keep your chin up and your heart in the right place. You have my every vote of confidence that things will work out in the long run!