Are you the only "giver" in the open relationship?

January 12, 2008

I was just curious how many other people are totally the giver in their open adoption? I don't hear from b-mom until right before a visit. At that I usually initate that correspondence with my letter I send every other month. I ask when she would like to have the visit and give a couple options. Other than that we hear NOTHING. I did get a couple notes when she was in rehab, but not even so much as an e-mail at Christmas time. Honestly I don't even know if I will be able to get ahold of her for this next visit since it has been almost 6 months since we have had any contact. I have sent letters and they have not been returned. Will it be like this forever?

JessicaBaker

January 12, 2008

Yep, I hear you. It's frustrating to me, but I worry more about how it will look down the road to our daughter, who at two doesn't really understand or care, but later may feel hurt and rejected.

Advertisements

RavenSong

January 12, 2008

Hi, Bug-N-Bears-Mommy....

Is it possible to have an honest conversation with your children's bmom? Can you tell her how it makes you feel when she doesn't initiate any of the communication between the two of you? Maybe she just isn't aware of how important it is to stay in touch. If this is the case, she needs to be reminded why this is an open adoption, and how important it is for her to fulfill her end of the agreement.

I wonder if she's trying to avoid dealing with the pain and loss that comes with relinquishment. Do you feel that she is deliberately avoiding you and the kids? Or do you think she's just acting like so many young people today who don't seem to realize how their actions or lack of actions cause emotional distress to family and friends?

I just want to let you know that I think it is so wonderful of you to keep trying, even though the bmom is acting so flakey. I know you're doing it out of love for your children, and that is what "mother love" is all about. :love:

MamaTo6

January 13, 2008

Our son is 4 and his mother is a family member who lives in the neighbourhood.. Even that doesn't change anything in our case.

I am the giver. I do all the calling. I do everything.

For example.

Today while talking to her about something non Mikey related, she mentioned that her grandma and Aunt are coming to see her and her kids. Not once did she think to invite Mikey over.

I called later, said we were going to the store and might drop by if that was okay. We went by, D hugged him, (big show of affection that Mikey doesn't normaly get from her) and we stayed 10 minutes. The Aunt nor the Grandma spoke to me although they did ask D "so this is your other son?" D said yes but Barb has had him since birth and she is his mommy now." Not ideal answers or situation but atleast he MET his Great Grandma and Aunt.

Tudu

January 13, 2008

We have gone through that and I have to say that the only thing that helped was a very direct conversation. We now hear from her almost every day and are always trying to work out times to see each other. I do all of the financial things like bring the food, do the driving or get her gas, and pay for her cell phone so we can talk but it is only b/c she can not afford to do any of those things.

athikers

January 17, 2008

We've not adopted yet, but even as we foster, I find that it is not a "two-way" street whatsoever. I bust my tale to keep them informed, provide pictures, anything I can think of... and they pick pick pick at my parenting (tonight I did not have my foster son "bundled" correctly (he had on a hat, mittens, a blanket, his car seat cover and another blanket over that... ) but it was not JUST SO, so his mom had a fit)