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Christmas Eve Harley (who we have had legal custody of since 2002) got a visit from her biological grandma. We usually hear from her once a year - either birthday (November) or Christmas. Last year Harley went "shopping" with her for the day in November & Grandma was invited to Harley's Christmas show for dance. Harley acted "scared" of her after the show last year & didn't want to spend time with her. We haven't talked to or seen her since. Last night when she came (it was a surprise visit!) Harley started to cry & said she didn't want to see her. I sent her to the basement & told her if she didn't want to she didn't have to - especially since we hadn't had any time to mentally prepare, etc. I lied to the grandma (which I should not have done) and told her Harley wasn't here. It was just such a surprise & so unexpected I didn't have time to think things thru. I admit that was wrong of me! She dropped off a Visa gift card for her & wanted to know when she could come to take her to spend it. I tenatively set up a date of Jan 4 but when I mentioned it to Harley she became very upset. I DO NOT want her to go if she is not comfortable! I could call the grandma & tell her Harley isn't comfortable going - I know this would upset her but I can't help it! I guess my other option would be to just go with them so she is not alone with Grandma. What does everyone think?? HELP!!!! Thanks!
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I am assuming that "legally" you do not have to honor visits when saying this. I have an ex and the kids have not always felt comfortable going with him. We have never pushed the issue because it was not always as safe as I would have liked for them to go with him. If she is uncomfortable I say don't make her. I would talk to her about you going with them. That you would be there and limit the amount of time that she spends with her. I personally would flat out tell Grandma what has happened all of it just so she knows that you have Harley's best interest in mind. Tell her that you would be glad to spend time with her with Harley but right now for whatever reason she is not comfortable and you do not want to push the issue and ruin the relationship. Best of luck to you. :)
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hi,have you asked harley why she is uncomfortable with bgranma?i dont understand what the dynamics are here,is harley a relative that you have guardianship of?maybe you should go along.i would have a big problem with bios showing up unannounced!sounds like contact and visits arent consistent,and the child is not comfortable being alone with bio grandma.do not force her,but do try to get at the root of her feelings.
You need to go with Harley, something is upsetting her. We have to do supervised visits with DD BioGma, DD doesn't want to be alone with her. Gma was saying horrible things to her about our family, her new life, just about everything you can think of. Once we found this out, there is no unsupervised visits.
Could be Harley doesn't know how to explain the problem, because Gma has always done it and she thinks its "normal" such was the problem in our DD life.
We would have a problem also with her just showing up with calling ahead, that is something that Harley may need to prepare herself for. We have to start about 2 weeks before a visit with our DD, and remind her daily.
Grandma "misunderstood" the date that this shopping trip was supposed to take place & showed up at my house today at 4:00. Harley opened the door to her & I took her upstairs to "get ready" but I told her what her Grandma was here for & she acted fine with it so I let her go. They were going to WalMart to spend her gift card, to dinner & then to see the Chipmunks Movie. She isn't home yet & it's almost 9:00. I didn't expect her to be home yet but I'm sort of on pins & needles waiting. Hope it goes ok and Harley has a good time. During the next year (which is about how often we hear from Grandma) I am going to discuss this at great length with Harley & get to the bottom of it so that we don't run into this problem again next year. THANKS FOR ALL THE GREAT ADVICE!!!
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